Twinkies | 3 months

Our cousin asked us when we were announcing that I was pregnant with twins if we were "trying to have twins." As much as I love you, Adam, that might be the dumbest question I've heard. To date.

If I knew what it would be like, the pregnancy, the bed rest, the kangaroo pouch, I would have graciously declined. Then, I met these two baldy boys, and I fell in love. They are the coolest little dudes I've ever met. The sweatiness, leaky boobs, and black circles are totally worth it.

The novelty of twins is so funny to me. They are just my boys. Twins don't really mean a whole lot to me, but strangers sure think they are a freak of nature. Cute freaks of nature, but freaks nonetheless. "Oh, are they twins?" Nope, stole one. "Are they identical?" Nope. "Are you sure? They look exactly alike?" I'm sure. "Gosh, I could have sworn they were identical." I am about to karate chop your neck.

Their personalities are really starting to develop, and thankfully, so are their hair follicles. Jax is a pretty contented little boy. He fusses when he's hungry or wet, but beyond that, he's pretty chill. Jett is my worried, little, old man. The poor boy already has wrinkles on his forehead. But when he locks eyes with you & smiles his big gummy smile, omg. I felt immediate mom guilt when they were born over my tears that I wasn't having another girl. However, I have come to realize that you have mom guilt for every single thing you do with your children, so whatever. Just pile it on the other things I suck at. I digress.

The boys. They're growing, they're changing & they are already 3+ months at this point. And yes, Maddie loves them, but she's not terribly thrilled with the split attention & their crying. The idea that she might not be the center of the universe is lost on her.

The BEST Bach in Paradise Recap EVER | Week 2

Oh, Michelle K. You are always good for a little dose of crazy.

There's a psychiatrist on set?? I love this show.

Love the crew member, Lauren, cracking up during the reenactment of the dude jumping off the balcony. Ryan Putz. Putz. lol

We get rid of Michelle K, so we need some more crazy. Enter: Chris B.

Chris B gets the first date card & asks Clare to go out. "Even if he is a womanizer, douchebag...I'll decide that." That sounds super promising, Clare.

Chris B: "Maybe I don't have the best reputation...I've had my days where maybe I wasn't the best guy, but I've learned from it. And when I find the right person, I will be the most loyal & perfect husband, boyfriend..." Didn't you say you fell in love with someone on Bachelorette...? Maybe we should look at the definition of loyal.

Dylan (while Elise rattles on incessantly): "Everyday that I spend time with Elise, I'm missing out on opportunities to get to know other people. I feel, like, smothered." Back down, Chatty Cathy.
Elise: "There might be another date card, so who do you think's gonna get that?" Dylan: "I hope me. I want to go on a date." So I can get away from you.
Elise: "I know we have a good connection. He's just scared." Of you. Smothering him. "He wants to let me go, so I come back, and I come back to him." This is what we call a stalker, people.

Marcus gets the 2nd date card. He chooses Miss Cantaloupes.
Cue Marcus talking about forever, future, falling in love. This guy. Ugh.

YOPO. Please tell me this is not actually a thing. YOLO annoys me enough as it is, and now we're adding YOPO. #idontgetthisgeneration

So, again, Chris was telling Clare about how loyal he'll be, but he's already moving on from Clare to Elise.

Elise: "He put it out there. He, literally, put it out there." #thatswhatshesaid "If I was the other way around, then I would, like, not so upset, and then, his, you know, test, we would know know that...yeah." 

Elise to Dylan: "Yes, I kissed him, but I was thinking about you the whole time." #classic

Dylan: "I told you to go meet other people, but I didn't tell you to go hook up with someone else." Well played, Dylan, well played. 

Zack joins the cast with a date card.

Dylan gets a date card, and Crazy McCrazy is sure that he'll ask her out. He asks Sarah. "Thank you for asking me, but let me think about it." #ouch The most boring date in Bach history begins.

Confrontation with Ben over his little love note. Michelle: "Why did you come?" Free vacation.

Rose Ceremony. 

Love how the guys are cozying up to all the girls & suddenly declaring, "Oh yeah, I've been talking all week long about taking you on a date!" Really? Funny how no one seemed to catch that.

Dylan: "You're a great friend."

Elise: "So, you're saying...?"

Dylan: "Don't hold back your feelings for someone else."

Elise: "So, you're saying that..."

Dylan: "Don't hold back your feelings like for Chris."

Elise: "So, if I gave you a rose, would you accept it?"

Dylan: "No, I wouldn't."

Elise: "I don't get Dylan. He's sending me mixed signals about what he wants."

OMG! I wanted to throw something, anything at this girl!!! HE'S SAYING HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU, PSYCHOPATH!! No! He is not confused or trying to push you away so that you'll come back to him. He.Doesn't.Like.You. You.Are.INSANE.

Lacy > Marcus

AshLee > Graham

Clare > Zack

Michelle > Marquel (Caught that by the skin of your teeth, bub!)

Elise > Dylan...won't accept it. *carnival music* She is so crazy. "Oh, so, Chris, will you accept this rose?" What.the.hell.

Sarah > Robert

Dylan goes home. Shouldn't have hooked up with Crazytown, dude. That can only end badly. "I feel good about my decision. I think Elise is out of her mind." Bahahahaha!

Until next week!

The BEST Bach in Paradise Recap | Week 1

I know what you're thinking. You're judging me. Hell, I'm judging myself. We have reached a new low as a country when this qualifies as entertainment. Let me say, I do not watch these shows to increase my IQ. I do, however, believe, that by watching people act a fool, only solidifies who I want to be & who I do not want to be. I do not want to be these loons. With that said, let's dive into this smut.

Apparently, Lacy didn't get the dress code memo.

"You're all here to find love." As the girls sit in bikinis & some guy already has his shirt off. Chris, I think the word you're looking for is lust.

Lacy: "I will make myself known & the guys will notice me." I mean, when you have 2 cantaloupes attached to your upper torso...

Marcus: "Everyone is out having fun & partying." And I am sitting here being whiny about Andi months later.

Elise & Dylan are already making out. What is it with this girl & walking down stairs?? It's like watching my 2-year-old nephew!

AshLee & Graham or Clare & Graham. Is it just me or could this guy be Steve Nash's doppleganger? Battle lines are drawn. Clare is the first girl to throw down the gauntlet & move in on someone's crush. Cue: AshLee crying in the bathroom. "I want to be cute & flirty, but I don't want to be overbearing." #clingy #stalker

Clare: "I don't want drama." I love that they cut this scene to make it look like Clare is a crazy mofo talking to a raccoon. 

So, Clare offers to dump Graham so that the drama queen can have her way. Sweet, but dumb. Graham graciously understands Clare's motives. Two seconds later, Clare is running up the beach to ask Graham's friend out. #seemslegit

Graham tries to get AshLee's attention & she walks away. "Let's just talk tomorrow or another time." I'm sorry...what about your behavior is NOT overbearing?

Clare & Robert (aka the poor man's Chace Crawford). We never see the "fire ants" that Clare sees all over Rob's backpack, but I'm sure they were there. #wink Cue: tan, muscular guy taking his shirt off. And let's definitely take our shoes off before climbing up jagged rocks.

I'm guessing she was a cheerleader in high school.

Sarah gets the 2nd date card. She chooses Marcus. Solo traje de bano. "Doesn't bano mean like, toilet or something?" The only logical thing to do is to take our clothes off & head down these dark stairs.

Lacy is crying again. "I need some fresh air." ...as they sit outside...with the wind blowing in her face... how fresh do you need your air, Lacy?

In walks Michelle Money. You can't have drama without Michelle Money.

MARQUEL FTW!! Let's get this poor guy out of the friend zone!

"I feel like the guys are way more relaxed than the girls." Honey, this is called life. 

Lacy gets the 4th date card. "I'm not sure. I'm 80/40." My brain hurts. Josh didn't even believe me when I told him about that math. 

Dylan: "I think Lacy is throwing all of her eggs into Robert's basket right now." So that he can fertilize them.

Marcus: "It's a huge shocker for me, feeling this way, and meeting someone that I could see myself building a relationship with." I'm sorry. Was he being facetious? You declared your love for Andi in week 2. 

Rose Ceremony.

Where has Ben S. been this entire episode? And I so don't want Michelle K. to leave yet. I mean, she is hardcore cray, so let's let her get warmed up before we kick her out of Meheeco.

DANGIT. Michelle, no. We need some of your crazy this season!

Michelle Money: "I can't figure Michelle out. She has this look like she's going to kill you & your whole family, and like she's about to lose it." #spoton

Marquel: "Let's be honest. The coconut doesn't fall far from the crazy tree."

Marquel > Michelle

Graham > AshLee (You shoulda dodged that crazy train, buddy)

Elise: "I literally would have said I love you to Dylan, but...it's so soon." I.can't.even.

Dylan > Elise

Marcus > Lacy

Robert > Clare

Ben > Sarah (I literally yelled NO, SHE'S CRAZY!)

Daniella goes home.