Paradise Recap | Episode 1

Ugh. Intros. 

I, literally, have never seen a more stupid human being than Ashley I. Why, God, why do we have to endure another season of her stupid face?

Jared: "I'm coming to Paradise because the best way to get over Kaitlyn is to bang a bunch of girls."

Ashley S: "I went on the Bachelor to find love and all I found was a pomegranate. My dad always told me to try boys on like shoes...So, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree."

Tanner: "You might remember me from Kaitlyn's season of the Bachelorette...she might not." No. We don't remember you either.

Jade: "Once I was honest with Chris about being in Playboy, there was an outpouring of support..." 

"Maybe in 3 weeks I'll be engaged..."WHAT?!

Jillian: "Before I go to Paradise, I need to get boobs so I don't look like a man in drag. You may remember my black box ass though..."

Dan: "You may remember me from Desiree's season." Nope.

Juelia: "I'm letting my daughter pick a man for me because I can't see through these eyelashes."

Tenley: "I was in love with Kipton, but he dumped me and knocked someone else up, and that was supposed to be my baby."

Day One

Chris Harrison: "These losers are all here for a second chance at love after our Bachelors & Bachelorettes rejected them."

Virgin & Skanky walk up and everyone loses their shit. Well, not the guys. 

Jonathan: "I've done sisters before. She's a virgin? Oh, I've done virgins before too."

Carly: "Were we supposed to bring our siblings?!"

Mikey: "When I first saw you walking down, I felt a little something in my pants. Let me take my shirt off so we don't have to so much space between us."

We have the token ginger this summer. Hi, Kirk.

The porn music is on point this season.

"Hopefully, there are no douche bags this season." Cue: JJ. No one says hi.

Ashley S falls in love at first sight...with birds. 

Lacey & Marcus

Apparently, Lacey & Marcus can't afford a wedding, so they are riding on Bach coattails...with strangers. And what happened to the wedding budget? Trista's cost $1 million. This cost less than a Starbucks.

Tenley: "Oh, ok. I know what this is. This is a wedding." Thank you, Captain Obvious.

You guys, this can't be their actual wedding, right?

She's pregnant, right? Those are pregnancy tittays.

Chris Harrison is now a pastor. Dear Lord, help us all.

Marcus: These vows were tough for me to write because this is a fake wedding.

Lauren is crying. Crying.

They walk off into the sunset...

Bikini Pool Party #1

Lauren is crying. Are you effing joking?! Nothing even happened and she's crying.

"Nothing happened, and I just can't stop crying. I don't want to be alone right now." Well, that's convenient. Look behind you, dumbass. There's a pool full of people.

"I didn't know there was a crying gene."

"This is a crisis." Yes, I'm sure the starving children in Africa would agree that a free vacation in paradise is totally a fecking crisis. #pullyourheadout

Ashley I: "I like Jared, but I'm going to be silent because I like him." Cue more tears.

Kirk & Carly. Yeah, we'll see.

Ashley I: "I like Jasmine. Cinderella is a bitch."

Jared: "Jade, do you want to go somewhere else with me away from crazytown?"

Ashley I is crying again.

The Next Morning

Mikey: "It's hard being such a sexy beast. I just want to pounce on what I want."

Date card: "Ashley I, choose a guy you want to get dirty with."

Jared would rather go on a date with JJ than with Ashley Insane.

Man, I was really hoping that he would say no.

Jared & Ashley I.

Dune buggying. She's laughing maniacally. He's just having fun driving.

"What's your sign?"

That was painful to watch. Bless Jared's heart for being such a good sport.

Date #2

Everyone wants Jade. They obviously Googled her Playboy days.

Jade chooses Tanner. Cue: porn music.

"Thank you for giving me my first 1-on-1. No one ever takes me on a date. Also, I applaud you for your Playboy spread. I would never condemn you for that. Do you happen to have those pictures on you?"

Meanwhile, Ashley S. called an ambulancia because one of her damn birds bit her.

Tanner gets his first kiss. Ever.

"Let's get wet." How did he hide his bones?

Claire

This chick needs a real frickin' job. For the love.

***

Four hours a week of this shit may kill me,

Nicholas Sparks is an SOB

First of all, you should know that I am typing this with my middle fingers, through a keyboard soaked in tears. Why women do this to themselves, evades me.

Some stupid Target clerk suggested I watch this sob fest. She, clearly, hated me.

What I just sat through in the last 2 hours will haunt me forever. Nicholas Sparks is just like Stephen King, but in a very different way. Stephen King is one scary SOB. The things that his twisted brain come up with are just mental. Mr. Sparks is the same way when it comes to love. He, apparently, had his heart physically ripped out of his chest by the great love of his life, and then was made to watch as she rode off into the sunset with an uglier, richer man.

I know the score with Mr. Sparks. I'm not stupid. I have read the books. I finally stopped reading the books a few years back when it became apparent that I was a masochist. I would lay in bed, sobbing uncontrollably for hours at a time after being forced into falling in love with whatever couple it happened to be this month, only to watch as one of them dies a horrific, effing death while the other becomes a shell of a person.

His newest "hit" has only further depressed me, and for that, I would like him to reimburse me for the therapy that I will be needing. "The Best of Me." Nice, happy title, right? NO. The following text messages show you the roller coaster of emotions Mr. Sparks has subjected me to:

As in all great love stories, we encounter child abuse, childhood cancer, oh, and DEATH, the death of another loved one, the separation of true love, parents trying to break kids up, alcoholism, more child abuse, followed by vengeance, followed by best friends being shot to death on accident, a prison stint, car accidents, fathers murdering their sons, children needing heart transplants, more death and divorce. I mean, if this is what Mr. Sparks believes love is, he is one effed up SOB.

My heart now lays on the floor, being ripped out of my chest, spat on and stomped on. With that, I have one question for Mr. Sparks: who hurt you?

Permanently emotionally scarred,

Don't Grab the Dog's Penis!

I have mom turrets. It's a thing I've decided because the shit that flies out of my mouth in this house can only be described as such.

Since our house has gone from a quiet 3-person abode to a 5-member circus, all sanity has ceased. Boys are unlike any other creature I have ever encountered. You know that dumb ass saying, "boy: a noise with dirt on it?" Yeah, it's dumb, but true. For example, to alert to his awakedness, Jax beats on the wall with his fists. If that doesn't work, he shakes his crib violently.

Our house is a constant stream of, "NO! Don't pull that cord! NO! Don't take the eggs out! NO! Don't eat that sticker! NO! Don't pull your sister's hair! NO! Don't climb the pantry shelves! NO! Don't grab the dog's penis!" All.day.long.

I am not a fan of the dog. Again, no hate mail. I don't have time to read it and I really don't care. Not a fan of the dog. He whines, he pisses, he's annoying. That's not to say that it isn't partly our fault as shitty dog owners, however, still. Not a fan. That being said, while I am not a fan, I don't believe the poor designer purse pup should have to be subjected to sexual assault by 15-month-old unruly boys.

Feef, we're sorry for what your lot in life has become. One day, I promise, these boys will be your best buds. Until then, keep your penis out of reach.