The Best Damn Bachelor Recap | Week 5

I'm not an idiot!

You know it's going to be good when this is the opening line.

Rose Ceremony

Emotional intelligence vs. maturity. I feel like both of these took a hit as I proceeded to watch these two idiots try to figure out the difference.

Corinne: You don't even know what emotional intelligence is.

Taylor: I just had to explain what it is to you, idiot.

Corinne: I just wanted to see if you knew what it was, you stupid bitch.

Emotional intelligence embodied.

Corinne: You don't say "hi" to people in the morning, therefore, you are a bitch.

Taylor: I'm not going to be fake AF like you, idiot.

Corinne: You're stupid, you're alone inside, and the entire house hates you and your stupid, alone face.

Cut to Corinne running off to tell Nick how emotionally stunted Taylor is and that she's a mean girl. Girl is a straight sociopath.

Omggggg. I'm so scared for you, Niiiiick. I just don't want you to get hurt because Taylor is the living worst. And I wouldn't say it, but I just care sooo much. And so emotionally intelligent that I needed to tell you behind Taylor's back that she's awful so YOU don't get hurt. HASHTAG:WINNING.

 

Bye, Assy!!

Nick: It just gets harder and harder.

That's what she said.

N'awlins

Nick heads out to Bourbon Street with Rachel for the first one-on-one date. 

I like her, but I just stare at that gap. I can't.

Why is he eating this beignet like a monkey?

As with all initial one-on-one dates, Rachel takes the opportunity to tell Nick about the last time she was in New Orleans for a funeral.

Nick: That's kind of crazy.

Group Date

All you need to know is that all were asked out on the group date except Corinne & Taylor. It's gon' be epic.

Group date is in a haunted house. 

Raven: I will rebuke those ghosts in the name of Jesus.

Ghost May's dolly is the creepiest shit I've ever seen. Burn that thing.

Then, we move onto the Ouija board. 

This is, literally, the worst group date ever. 

Omg, I'm like barely even touching it and it's moving.

That's what she said.

Nick: Ghost or not, these dates are invaluable. Quote of the year.

Danielle L.: I know we're hunting for a ghost and all, but I like love you and I thought you should know now before this creepy AF doll murders us all.

Two-On-One Date

#makeamericacorinneagain Someone please make this narcissist go away.

So much of this date is talking heads bashing the other girl. 

Taylor: I'm so emotionally intelligent, and she's a manipulative bitch.

Corinne: She's all wrong for Nick. I don't like her.

Omg. Haunted houses and now voodoo teacher? I can't.

Teacher: Voodoo dolls are for healing. Riiiiight.

This woman is legit. Her business is a table in the middle of a fecking swamp. Where do I sign up?

Reader: There's someone around you who has a tendency to be very very nasty.

No shit, Sherlock. You just asked her to leave.

Corinne wants to let Nick know once again that Taylor called her stupid and she's mean and annoying. 

Nick to Taylor: You're bullying Corinne by calling her stupid. 

Corinne: How do you make a voodoo doll specific to a person? I think I saw this book on Amazon...

Taylor: Their relationship will be built off of whipped cream and lies. 

Corinne: There's no way you're a mental health counselor.

Taylor: Bitch, please. Let's talk about you "running" a multi-million dollar company.

Please shut up. You're both stupid and emotionally unintelligent. Your arguments are invalid.

Nick: Taylor and Corinne clearly aren't friends and have some conflict, but it's about them. This is about me. It's not an easy decision, but I feel like I know what I need to do now: leave Taylor in the woods alone while Corinne & I go make out.

Corinne: Dear Diary,

Today I learned that Corinne is far from a  f***ing idiot, and I feel like a pathetic loser for judging her PERIOD

Taylor has an exorcism of sorts. I am the water sign. I'm the one that is emotionally intuitive and aware. I'm not going to go home without making a scene.

Corinne: Gasp! WTF is she doing here?!

The Best Damn Bachelor Recap | Week 3

Cocktail Party

The night starts with Nick doing damage control after dropping the Liz/sex bomb.

All the girls: OMG. I just can't even and I just need to see if I'll feel better if we have sex too.

Some blonde girl: I think the meaning behind his actions shows his intention now. 

In comes Ho-rinne with a conveniently placed Whipped Cream can. I took a shower after this scene.

I mean, this is the girl you want to bring home to Mama. #wifematerial

Nick: I want to bone this girl while respecting the other girls in the house. That's possible, right?

The tears begin flowing as Nick rejects her sexual advances because he needs to make out with the rest of the women in the house.

Rose Ceremony

The rose ceremony begins and all I can think of when he chooses Astrid is this scene from The Office: 

Astrid, Taylor, Whitney, Christina, Danielle, Rachel, Vanessa, Raven, Jamie, Dominique, Sarah, Alexis, Brittany, Josephine, and Jasmine draw the short straws and are chosen to stay for another week of whoredom.

Backstreet Grandpas

Chris Harrison comes in the house to announce the next date. This is, literally, the only time in his life an entire roomful of women will hoot & holler when he walks in a room.

"Everybody" starts playing as the Backstreet Grandpas stroll in the door. Suddenly, I feel nostalgic and geriatric.

It's also shocking how the choreography comes screaming back to you even 12 years later.

Literally, none of the women give a shit about Nick Viall on this date. 

Corinne: I'm not a cry baby whenever the attention's not on me, but I'm not getting any attention right now, so I'm crying.

I'd like to stop here and say that I both hate and am totally jealous that Corinne has a nanny. 

Date with Vanessa

I really want to go on a Zero-G plane. Maybe at RCD. They bounce around weightless and try to make out simultaneously. It seems bumpy.

Then, she yacks. In a bag. With him staring at her. Dafuq!

And he still kisses her post-yack. I'm out.

Group Date

Is it possible for anyone on this show to not scream as they head to a date? I thought we were out of high school.

Nick runs the gamut of Carl Lewis' accomplishments, clearly reading from a cue card because you know none of these bimbos know wtf he is.

All you need to know is that Astrid needs a more supportive bra.

Pool Party

Nick decides he doesn't want to have a formal cocktail party, but would rather see all the women in bikinis. I can't think of a better way to find your wife than by sizing up the women in bikinis.

Corinne "orders" a bouncy castle for she and Nick to jiggle their parts near each other. For all the world to see, Corinne mounts Nick and we all feel so uncomfortable.

Vanessa is the only one with the balls to call him on the carpet in regards to Corinne: Are you looking for a wife or looking for someone to f*** around with? Because at that point, I'd rather you just not give me a rose.

The Best Damn Bach Recap | Finale

The burning question floating around our Bach finale party was what the hell is shoved up Lauren's ass?

We made it. We made it through 10 episodes of tears, back-stabbing, eating disorders, tears, extensions, tears, group dates, tears, and lust. Ben finally puts us out of our misery, after blurting out two "I love you's" to two different women. I'm sure they both feel so special.

His poor mother. You know she wants to slap her kid upside the head and tell him to pull his head out of his ass. If any of my adult children ever tell me they want to be on this show, I will be pulling a Tanya Harding so they are incapable of walking.

We join the fam bam at Sandals Jamaica and this is all I can think: 

Lauren Meets the Parents

Nothing cerebral happens during this segment. "Ben is like one of the best guys in like the world."

WTF are Ben's mom & Lauren holding hands?!

JoJo Meets the Parents

JoJo decides this is the best time to wear a romper with no bra. #wifematerial

Mama Higgins doesn't hold JoJo's hands, so she's obviously out.

JoJo: Do you want to propose?
Ben: You know how I feel about you.

JoJo: I don't have a question for that answer.

Parental Pow Wow

Ben's Dad: I don't know. Pick one. Lauren is polished, and JoJo has a killer rack.

Ben's Mom: Pick one to plant your stake in and move on.

Lauren's Last Date

The date where no one speaks. They clearly have a lot in common.

Lauren: You ready?

Ben: Yeah

Lauren: Feel good?

Ben: Yeah

Lauren: Stressed?

Ben: Yeah

Lauren: What are you thinking right now?

Ben: You're beautiful.

Lauren: I can tell he's thinking something, but I don't know what he could possibly be stressed out about. It's like he has to choose between two women this week or something.

JoJo's Last Date

I don't know what happened on this date because I was just staring at JoJo's rack for the entire segment. #boobenvy

JoJo: I can't believe you don't know who you're picking tomorrow. Thanks.

Moving from the couch to the bathroom floor would have worked if YOU HAD TURNED YOUR MICS OFF, MORONS!

Ben: You're my best friend.

Lauren: Thanks for friend-zoning me, asshole.

Ben: I love you.

JoJo: But you love her too.

Ben: I mean, yes, but you're cool too.

Ring Shopping

Neil: We have 6 cuts of diamonds. Choose the one that suits her best.

Ben: Oh, shit. I need to choose a wife now?

So, for the first time in Bachelor history, the Bach chooses a ring resembling something that Kanye would propose to Kanye with. 

The Break-Up/Proposal

JoJo steps out of the helicopter first, looking like she's dressed for her island wedding, but sadly, she's about to get dumped...only after she pours out her heart while Ben looks at her like he's about to hurl.

Ben: I love you, BUT...

JoJo: SONOFABITCH

Ben: Can I walk you out?

Just once, I want to them to be like, NO! Up yours!

Ben is given a quick bathroom break between his breakup and his proposal. 

The best part about this whole show was ruined by one of my girlfriends' husbands: 

Yeah, I'm sure he called Lauren's dad all on his own. The producers had nooooothing to do with that. -HotRay

If he says, "You're my person, one more time, I will cut a bitch.

Stay tuned for the After the Final Rose recap...

The Best Damn Bach Recap | Week 9

Ben rehashes his concerns over his bottom three hoes.

Caila is cold and doesn't know how to love.
Lauren is the closest thing he's ever felt to love at first sight, like a little school boy, chasing after his crush. #swoon
JoJo instant connection to my pants.

Cue the Phantom of the Opera music as Ben climbs some random rocks in a pink shirt.

Caila

The most awko taco date ever. No one is talking until they both start talking about how awkward this date is. 

Ben: She's not herself. She's quiet. She's PMSing, Ben.

She rambles and rambles and suddenly vomits out ILOVEYOU. The least sincere, non-romantic confession of "love." 

Caila: I can feel in his breath that he feels the same.

Ben: I'm going to send you home later, so you wanna have sex before I get married to someone else?

Caila: I see fireworks in the sky, in his eyes, in his pants.

No question: they boned.

The morning after...

Caila: Ben can't say that he loves me, but I think he loves me. I felt it - in my vagina.

Lauren

Why is Lauren walking like she has something lodged in her ass?

Lauren: This is one of my dreams: to hold baby sea turtles. Girl's gonna go far.

Ben: I cried talking to your sister about you.

Lauren: I want to have your babies. So do we all.

As gross and stupid as this show is, Ben's genuine belief that Lauren is too good for him gives me all the feelings in my pants.

Lauren is ready to let Ben know she loves him as the Jamaican porn music plays.

Aahhhhhhhh shiiiiiiiiitttttt!! Bennnnnnnnnnnnn!!!! You can't say you're in love with her!!!

Lauren: I love you.

Ben: I love you too.

Lauren: I'm completely in love with you.

Ben: I love you.

Lauren: I love you so much.

Guys, STFU.

JoJo

Ben: Telling Lauren that I'm in love with her, complicates things. Like my contract, so I'll be telling JoJo that I love her today to even the playing field. #sorrycaila

My heart right now is with Lauren, but my pants are with JoJo.

Token waterfall/makeout scene required of each Bachelor season.

JoJo: I do love you.

Ben: JoJo, I love you too.

JoJo: Dafuq?

If I were a psychologist, I would psychologize that Ben has insecurity issues. He needs to tell two women he loves them in case one of them backs out. Thank you, Jason Mesnick.

Let's now awkwardly talk about JoJo's awk-ass family.

Oh yeah, they screwed.

Eww. Morning breath. Gag.

JoJo: Getting the words of affirmation means so much to me. We get it: you read The Five Love Languages. Staaaahhhhppp.

Bye, Felicia

Ben: I'm glad you came to see me because I think we should see other people. More other people.

Caila: I will cut you.

Ben: I can't imagine saying goodbye to you, but goodbye.

Caila: Thank you for the opportunity.

Before she leaves, Caila leaps out of the SUV to confront Ben about why he hit it and quit it. And we all cringe.

Rose Ceremony

Two roses for his two hoes. One stays, no one goes.

Is it me or does JoJo look like she's plotting Lauren's disappearance?

Now we wait two fecking weeks for the finale. Women Bitch About Ben Tell All next week. Though, I'm not gonna lie, I'm really excited to see PsychOlivia again!

The Best Damn Bach Recap | Week 8

Hometown week is my absolute favorite because it is awkward AF. You are basically being rejected because of your weird ass family. Or in this case, your screaming, psychotic toddlers.

Like we didn't see that coming.

Amanda

On tonight's special episode of Teen Mom, Ben learns what it's like to be a parent to someone else's children. One car ride with toddlers and Ben makes an appointment for a vasectomy.

Amanda takes Ben to meet her family & bursts into tears as if she didn't just see them all day to prep them for today's interview. Relaxicab.

Ben looks like he just had a colonoscopy the entire time he is at Amanda's house. He face does not change.

Amanda's Dad: How do you feel about all your money going to diapers and formula?
Ben: I love coloring and running on the beach.

Lauren

Omg. I totally 'ship them.

For the first time ever in Bachelor history, contestants are seen eating food.

Like she didn't run to a port-a-potty to throw up that butter.

Lauren's sister: What makes Lauren stand out to you?
Ben:

And we all went weak in the knees.

We are all waiting for Lauren to drop the L bomb, but instead, we watch as Ben drives away and LoLo is standing in the middle of the street, looking like a girl trying to remember if she unplugged her curling iron.

Caila

Caila: My dad owns a toy factory and we need laborers.

Things get awkward immediately when Caila's mom throws down the race card.

Caila's Mom: HAVE YOU EVER MET FILIPINOS BEFORE? 

Ben: Umm...

Caila's Dad: I love Filipinos and you will too.

Ben: ...

Caila has a heart to heart with Daddy and says,  I love him. Daddy is not impressed. That's nice. You're about to get crushed.

JoJo

This episode was boring AF, but JoJo's Godfather family redeemed it.

In a last ditch effort by Bach to think of something new, JoJo's "ex" writes her a letter professing his love. Looks like Chris Harrison's handiwork. 

Guido is having none of Ben's bullshit.

Guido: You brainwashed my sister. She belongs to us, not you. You are being coached.

Ben: I really do care about your sister. I promise! I'm pretty sure he just shit his pants.

Capone: We love her indefinitely. We will kill you indefinitely.

Ben: I swear I'm not lying.

JoJo's mom is my spirit animal.

Rose Ceremony

Amanda: You like made me drive like all the way from the OC to LA to like dump me. That was like 30 minutes. I can't like believe you would like do that to me.

Watch for Amanda's new reality show coming soon: The Real Teen Moms of Orange County.

With the exception of watching Olivia's psychotic breakdown, the best part of this season is the previews.

Two women, two I love you's. Who will he choose? Duh. We already know.