Get Over It

If I see one more post about not believing everything you see on social media, I am going to stab my eyeballs out.

If you are offended by pretty pictures of 1. pretty people, 2. pretty food, 3. pretty vacations, 4. pretty hats, 5. pretty children, 6. anything pretty that you don't have, then get off the internet.

 If you're offended by cake, just don't even try to be my friend. We're over.

Yes, we all do it. Perfect setting, perfect lighting, just the right angle, hip pop, snap, filter, sappy caption, post. Pretty pictures a villain does not make. So, get over it.

Let's back up. I have received messages about how my house is always clean, my children are so beautiful, my hair is amazing. Let me be the first to dispel this outright lie. If there is a picture of my house, it's usually my in-law's house when we're at the pool. My children can look beautiful; they can also look like creatures from the black lagoon. If there is a picture on social media of my hair, it is because I have actually taken the time to dislodge it from the permanent grease bun on top of my head, wash it, and curl it. Get over it.

Now, when I see posts like that or a recent influx of posts about not believing "everything you see on social media," I, literally, want to vom. Do you know how bitchy that makes you sound? Get over it. Some people see life through rose-colored glasses. I'm sorry you don't. Get over it. Some people wake up "sunny-side up," like my dumb sister would say every dumb morning when she dumb woke up. I'm sorry you are a cranky bitch. Get over it. Some people are photographers who are insane about perfect lighting, angles, edit, and emotion. I'm sorry you are aren't. Get over it. Some people are supes fashionable and like to show it off. I'm sorry you rock mom jeans. Get over it.

Get the freaking freak over it, people. If you're that bothered by it, ask Jesus to help you stop being such a butthole. Take your own pretty pictures of your pretty hair, and your pretty kids, and get over it.

/endrant

a.

The Best Damn Naked Cake

I used to be fat. Real fat. Being that I once was fat, the fat girl inside of me has never gone away. She loves cake. She may have eaten a second piece of this cake yesterday when no one was watching. 

I like pretty things. Shiny things. I'm a girl. Girl + fat girl = cake. The math is so obvious.

This cake is easy. It looks impressive and you barely lifted a finger. Try it. Impress that bitchy mother-in-law. 

Yes, I used store-bought cake. Get over yourself. 

Be sure that your children are climbing into all of your cabinets and pulling out as much shit as is humanly possible. This is key to making this delicious cake.

Make the cakes as directed. I used 8" round pans, and filled only halfway. Take each layer out, let cool, wrap tightly in Saran wrap and freeze overnight. 

Pull your cakes out about an hour before you want to frost. Unwrap & let defrost. 

Place layer one on your cake plate. Be sure to put the part of the cake that looks the least disheveled in the front. Hide the mess in the back. Drop a big ass blob of frosting on layer one. Spread. Duh.

Drop on layer 2. Big ass blob. Spread.

Layer 3. If I have to tell you what to do next, you're too stupid to bake a cake. Read a dictionary instead.

This is optional, but you'll want to do this step. Slap some powdered sugar on the sides of your cake. This will mask your shit storm. It will cover up all of the places where little bits of cake flaked off.

Oh, and clean up your cake plate. We're not animals.

Top with whatevs. I saw a naked cake the other day with just the top of a pineapple on it. I chose strawberries and blueberries because #murica.

Be sure and take an artsy picture of your cake and send it to people. If you don't Instagram it, it didn't happen.

Tag me on Insta if you make this pretty thing. I love seeing people try my stupid, easy recipes, and pretending like it was really difficult. Ain't nobody gots to know. 

Happy Independence weekend, y'all!