Giving Back | Operation Christmas Child

As a kid, each year, we were participated in this great program called Operation Christmas Child. While my Mom probably thought it was just floating in one ear & out the other, I have to say that this really stuck with me. I'll be the first to admit that, living where I do and how I do, I haven't an inkling of how bad it is in other countries. No clean water, no clean food, no medical advancements. I cannot imagine.

One of the main pillars I stand on in my parenting is making sure that my kids are grateful, thankful and giving. I want them to know that they are privileged, blessed, and spoiled as all get out. I don't even mean spoiled in the sense that they have cute clothes or the best toys - I mean, they have good, healthy food (minus the cookies for dinner the other night), clean, running water that comes out of the fridge at the perfect temperature, a 3000 sq ft house that is clean, dry and safe, they are healthy and when they aren't, we have a doctor's office right down the street. These things are so taken for granted, but I want them to know that this is not how the rest of the world lives. And hell, it's a great reminder for me, when I'm having them participate in things like this, that I am privileged and blessed and spoiled too.

This year, as Maddie is old enough to get it, we are putting together a shoe box full of things for a 5-year-old girl.

If you'd like to participate, please visit Operation Christmas Child's website for details on how to pack your shoe box and where to send it. I promise you that it will be such a great growing opportunity for YOU & YOUR KIDS.

How to be a Hot Mom on a Budget

I'll admit that I shopped the Wal-Mart racks before it was socially acceptable, when it was just a redneck thing to do. And I know of two people right now (at least) who are horrified and disgusted that I could even sit here telling you that I am a Faded Glory wearer, but screw them. I am, and I am damn proud of it.

Since having a litter of children, our budget has changed. These little minions are far better dressed than I am because that's what's more important to me. I mean, it's worth it - look how cute they all are. This is not to say that I haven't bought clothes for myself or even bought something for myself when I should have been spending the money on the children (and then hiding the bags in my closet...amiright, girls?!) because I have. And I will proudly tell you that some of these outfits came straight from the racks of Wal-Mart. They have stepped up their game. It's no longer even about price - they are just frickin' cute.

Without further ado, I will show how you can look like a boutique girl while being a WalMartian.

Here is my #ootd. Head-to-toe WalMart. I know. I was just as shocked as you are. The hat is on point, those pants are amazing and comfy, and apparently, my husband thinks I bought them for camping. No, dear. Fashion. I bought them for fashion. The outfit was $49 including those cute little ankle boots. If you were to buy this at one of my favorite online boutiques, which shall remain nameless, you are looking at a total of $141. I saved $100. Honey, you're welcome. 

I want buffalo check e'rything. I have an addiction. I love this tunic, I love these jeans and these black ankle boots are my most complimented shoe. People nearly pee themselves when I curtsy and tell them they came from the WalMart. Outfit total? $44. The place I love? $119.

I was falling over as I took this, so sorry about that photography.

I love this top! I have a floral one too! Baseball tees are super in, and WalMart jumped in on the craze. The camo part is chiffon and the sleeves are soft cotton. If you have big hooters like me, go up a size because there is no give in the breasticle area. Jeans are comfy again, and I love the grey suede boots. Outfit total: $39 vs. $132.

And this. You won't find this in a boutique. No, this special little beaut can only be purchased in a place like WalMart. It's comfy, it's perfect for a Netflix & chill night, it shuts down any sexual advances your husband might make on a night when you're not feelin' it, and it's only $19.97. 

If you're still not sold, that's cool. I get it. It's WalMart. It's like a step up from the DMV. If you can keep your head down and not make eye contact, you can actually find some cute items without having to meet any mutants. If you find something cute, send it my way! 

Happy bargain shopping, kittens!
a.

Can I Use These Strawberries to Make Wine?

Once upon a time, in a far away land called Colorado, lived a girl who dreamed of whimsy, fantasy, dancing in long skirts in fields full of daisies with her little ones.

Then, she spawned, her children got older, got louder, got whinier, and they got sassy.

We went strawberry picking yesterday. It was...I started to type fun, but I don't know that it actually was. It was hot AF, the mozzies were out in full force, and there were 3 kids in tow. The older of the 3, was dressed as cute as can be. I mean, this kid has great style (side note: when strangers tell me my child has great style, I, literally, want to punch them in their stupid face. Who the hell do you think dresses her?!) and she was rocking boho chic. I made sure to ask this child if she had to go potty before we left the house, and then before we left her Auntie KyKy's house. "Nope. I promise. I don't have to go at all." What happens the second we step out of the car? Hands to the crotchal area, followed by a whiney, "Mommy? I have to go potty right now and I can't wait." #punchingmyselfintheface

Spawn 2 has lost a shoe and is picking and S H O V E L I N G only the least ripe strawberries into his mouth as quickly as is humanly possible - leaves and all. Whatever. He's happy.

Spawn 3 is playing with my keys. Let me be more specific. He is playing with the automatic key that locks & unlocks the family circus bus. He is, specifically, only hitting the lock button, so much so that the strawberry picking anthem is just my stupid fecking car horn beeping repeatedly.

I am covered in mozzies, trying to take pictures of the littles, and sweating like a 300-pound hog in short shorts, which means I can't bend over without flashing the other patrons, a grey shirt (hello, pit stains), and Birks. Birks in dirt. My hair was on fleek on top, but sopping wet underneath.

My best friend is dressed in long pants and a long sleeve button-up. She was hoping for a new head shot. Never ask for an attractive picture of yourself when you are with my children. It is nearly impossible. At one point, she had one of the twins tucked up under her arm, her aviators askew, covering only one eye with her hair completely tangled in the other side of the glasses. She looked like, well, a mom.

Just before the sweaty hot mess emerged.Should have snapped a pic. Damn.

Also, who in the feck wears this outfit to pick strawberries? Only Kylie.

The cherry on top? $23.67 for this "fun." $5/person (over the age of 2) to get in, and then $5/lb extra that Maddie "had to have."

May my children look back on these pictures in our family yearbooks with fond memories of Mama taking them to do fun things, and not watching her chug a bottle of wine in the pantry as soon as we walked in the door.

a.

Am I A Jealous Mom?

ETA: This post in no way is meant to sound self-righteous. I, in no way, believe that I have my shit together and that everyone wants to be me. Let's get that REAL clear REAL fast. I am just as guilty of being jealous of other moms. Having said that, if you think I'm that full of myself, you are sorely mistaken.

Carry on.

Does it bug the shit out of you when you see a mom who is dressed nicely, bathed, hair done with a latte in hand? Does it bug the shit out of you when said mom has her minions in tow & they are all dressed, bathed, quaffed and are behaving in public? Shame.On.You.

Why is it that moms who are somewhat organized and put together are the bad guys? Why does it offend you when I have shaved legs & curled hair? 

Here are 5 questions to ask yourself to see if you're a jealous mom:

1. Am I jealous when I see a mom put together?

If the answer is yes, then slap yourself upside your greasy hair and GTFOI. Perhaps one of her spawn was up before the rooster and was back down for nap before the sun even shone and had plenty of time to step into a shower to actually get clean.

If the answer is no, good for you.

2. Am I annoyed when I see other moms who care about their looks?

If the answer is yes, then you are a jerk and you need to get a grip. Perhaps you should take stock of your stash of yoga pants and maybe throw on a tight pair of skinnies every once in a while.

If the answer is no, I applaud you. You are comfortable in your own skin around hot betches.

3. Am I jealous when I see another mom's clean house?

If the answer is yes, then get off your damn iPhone & pick some shit up.

If the answer is no, enjoy your filth. Your kids are clearly comfortable and happy playing in dust bunnies.

4. Am I jealous when I see a mom out with her girlfriends?

If the answer is yes, then maybe this is why you have no girlfriends to go out with. Bitchy resting face & crossed arms doesn't make anyone feel warm & fuzzy about you.

If the answer is no, you found a bad group of betches who love you & like to hang with you. This is also means you are happy for other people. Let's be friends.

5. Am I jealous when I see moms who have a career/hobby/life outside of their children?

If the answer is yes, then maybe you should try to find something you enjoy instead of judging others for being talented and entrepreneurial. Maybe you have no talents. Sucks for you.

If the answer is no, then you are one of those awesome moms who have something outside of the home that drives you, inspires you, and ignites your soul. Drink it up. Those things make you one of the great moms.

So, are you a jealous mom? If the answer is yes, then stop being an all-around douche tart and be awesome at being you. If the answer is no,congratulations on your confidence. You are a bad mama jama.

Peace.
a.

Where Do Babies Come From?

My 4-year-old was fascinated by nursing. It was like the coolest thing to her. I, however, don't know how fascinating I would say lactating out of a fat bag hanging off your body truly is. It's fine. I mean, yeah, all the feelings when you're nursing ONE, but try two vultures sucking the life out of your tired, flappy fat bags. It was all the annoyed feelings. No hate mail, please. No twins, no opinions.

Anyway, nursing. Yes, she was fascinated. We were having a lovely afternoon, just she & I, laying out by the pool. She pokes my fat bags and ponders life:

M: "So, there's no more milk in there, huh?" 
A: "Nope, it's all gone."
M: "Hmm, how does that happen?"
A: "When you stop nursing, the milk goes away."
M: "Hmm, so, men make babies then. Well, God too."
A: "Well, yes, I mean, God creates babies, and he uses men to make them."
M: "But where do they come from?"
A inside: Shiiiiiiiiit.
A: "God puts them in mommy bellies."
M: "Yeah, that doesn't make any sense. Can I go swim now?"
A: "Yes, God, please, yes, go swim."

Once my heart stopped racing, I mentally slapped myself in the face. That was the least cool way to tell her where babies come from, but I'm thinking that the ripe old age of 4 is not the time to delve into the sperm, egg and uterus talk. "Well, honey, one night, mommy & daddy drank a lot of wine, and then 9 months later, I was screaming at my crotch for you to get the hell out." Boom. Parenting: nailed it.

What do you tell your little ones? I'm still too embarrassed to say penis, so I'm thinking a nice pop-up book might be in this kid's future.

Until the next weird-ass conversation,