The Best Damn Bachelor Recap | Week 3

Cocktail Party

The night starts with Nick doing damage control after dropping the Liz/sex bomb.

All the girls: OMG. I just can't even and I just need to see if I'll feel better if we have sex too.

Some blonde girl: I think the meaning behind his actions shows his intention now. 

In comes Ho-rinne with a conveniently placed Whipped Cream can. I took a shower after this scene.

I mean, this is the girl you want to bring home to Mama. #wifematerial

Nick: I want to bone this girl while respecting the other girls in the house. That's possible, right?

The tears begin flowing as Nick rejects her sexual advances because he needs to make out with the rest of the women in the house.

Rose Ceremony

The rose ceremony begins and all I can think of when he chooses Astrid is this scene from The Office: 

Astrid, Taylor, Whitney, Christina, Danielle, Rachel, Vanessa, Raven, Jamie, Dominique, Sarah, Alexis, Brittany, Josephine, and Jasmine draw the short straws and are chosen to stay for another week of whoredom.

Backstreet Grandpas

Chris Harrison comes in the house to announce the next date. This is, literally, the only time in his life an entire roomful of women will hoot & holler when he walks in a room.

"Everybody" starts playing as the Backstreet Grandpas stroll in the door. Suddenly, I feel nostalgic and geriatric.

It's also shocking how the choreography comes screaming back to you even 12 years later.

Literally, none of the women give a shit about Nick Viall on this date. 

Corinne: I'm not a cry baby whenever the attention's not on me, but I'm not getting any attention right now, so I'm crying.

I'd like to stop here and say that I both hate and am totally jealous that Corinne has a nanny. 

Date with Vanessa

I really want to go on a Zero-G plane. Maybe at RCD. They bounce around weightless and try to make out simultaneously. It seems bumpy.

Then, she yacks. In a bag. With him staring at her. Dafuq!

And he still kisses her post-yack. I'm out.

Group Date

Is it possible for anyone on this show to not scream as they head to a date? I thought we were out of high school.

Nick runs the gamut of Carl Lewis' accomplishments, clearly reading from a cue card because you know none of these bimbos know wtf he is.

All you need to know is that Astrid needs a more supportive bra.

Pool Party

Nick decides he doesn't want to have a formal cocktail party, but would rather see all the women in bikinis. I can't think of a better way to find your wife than by sizing up the women in bikinis.

Corinne "orders" a bouncy castle for she and Nick to jiggle their parts near each other. For all the world to see, Corinne mounts Nick and we all feel so uncomfortable.

Vanessa is the only one with the balls to call him on the carpet in regards to Corinne: Are you looking for a wife or looking for someone to f*** around with? Because at that point, I'd rather you just not give me a rose.

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The only time I can find quiet these days is when they are all asleep or they are piled on my bed reading books. They come in during the day and middle of the night now because our "bed is the softest." And they aren't wrong.

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My new favorite spot is this bed...when the kids haven't taken it over that is.

The Best Damn Bachelor Recap | Week 1

It's the season we've all been waiting for. The skeeze ball of all skeeze balls has officially been declared The Bachelor.

I implore you, ladies. Do not be fooled by those washboard abs. Yes, they are stunning. Yes, the beard makes him look like a delicious human, but beware. He is the same Nick Viall. This is the same man who has been rejected more than anyone in Bachelor history.
So many trainwrecks, so little time.

Let's get down to it with the top fools of the night:

Sharkphin. Is she drunk or stupid is the question. Alexis not only walks up the path in sparkly heels, but a shark costume and wears it all.night.long. No cocktail attire hidden underneath. And oh, Alexis, Joel McHale would like to set something straight for you: “It’s a f—ing shark costume,” McHale declared. “Those are gills. Sharks breathe water. To stay alive, they must move the water through them. Dolphins breathe air. Thank you. You’re welcome, America.”

One-night stand girl. He has no idea who I am, so I am going to miss with him. Oh, wait. Just kidding. You wanted to pump him and dump him, and then didn't even leave a tip on the dresser. Nick: 1, Liz: 0.

Corinne. While many of the women made no bones about the fact that they would jump Nick's bones on the spot, Corinne appears to be leading the slut pack. She may "run" a multi-millionaire dollar conglomerate, but she didn't say which one. Perhaps an escort service?

Danielle M. Go home now, girl. You're too good for him and we all know it.

Balls. Oh, Jaimi. Announcing to your crush that you have balls when he is not only clearly heterosexual, but a man whore, may not have been the smartest move.

Josephine. Our taken bat-shit crazy housemate.

Raven. Oh, Raven. What to say. The accent is to die. But. I wish there was a makeover phase like in Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team. Let's strip that tar out of her hair and find her natural hair color. Raven. Is that on purpose?

Vanessa. I like her. I do. She's smart, poised, sophisticated, and way too good for Nick. If he's smart, he'll marry up. He's not, so he'll probably walk away with Corinne.

At the end of the evening, Rachel was given the first impression rose, mostly, I think, because he was afraid she's punch him with her chiseled arms if he didn't hand it to her. A bunch of other women made the not ugly cut, and we will be forced to learn about their boring lives (i.e. Pilates instructor) in the coming weeks.

Who would you have given the first impression rose to?