The BEST After The Final Rose Recap EVER

The scarf is back.

"I felt that she gave me purpose."  I could finally use the new handcuffs in the basement.

Nick waltzes into the Men Tell All studio. Chris Harrison should be a therapist.

"You don't just not stop loving someone." My brain hurts.

Andi refuses to see him, so Nick gives Chris a letter to give to Andi. I'm sure that, even though she doesn't want to see you, she'll want to read your desperate letter.

Chris: "Thanks for having the courage to walk out here." Because all of America is revoking your man card tonight.

"Prior to the Men Tell All, you tried to contact her before that. Andi was on vacation in Mexico & you wanted to go see her." Stalking is illegal in Mexico too.

"Do you think she made a mistake?"

"I don't think that's fair for me to answer that question." Then what are we doing here, Nick? Why are you stalking her all over the globe if not to get her to change her mind?!

Grumpy Cat comes out & gives Nick the most awkward, sourpuss-faced hug. Chris Harrison opens the floor to Nick.

"Ummm, I mean, I don't know, like, I..." I cannot roll my eyes hard enough.

"I thought I'd have more to say." Stalkers 101: come prepared. You have followed her to international waters, written her a letter professing your love for her, forced your way onto the Bach set, you finally get your moment in the spotlight & you have nothing to say. Quality television right here, folks.

"...as heartbroking as it is..." I'm getting dumber by the second at this point.

"I think, you know, the hardest part of hearing you say that is, you know, like, thinking back to those moments. And I guess, you know, like, knowing how in love with you I was, if you weren't in love with me, I'm just not sure why, like, why you made love with me." Insert: GASP. I hope she told Josh. If not, that was a super awkward conversation.

"Well, first of all, I think that's kind of below the belt." That's what she said.

Chris: "I'm glad we could have this moment...it needed to happen." For ratings.

Bachelor in Paradise advertisement. Should I recap this crap?

Out comes Mr. Baseball.

"You live 5 minutes away from each other. That's fate." No, that was a requirement for Miss-I-Won't-Leave-Atlanta.

They are planning on planning to start planning a wedding for Spring 2015. Who wants to place bets now?

What did you think of this season? Who was your favorite? Did you like Andi? Did she make the right choice?

A.

The BEST Bachelorette Finale Recap EVER

We did it, people. We made it through the MOST PAINFUL season in Bachelorette history. We watched Andi make out with about 20 different men, saw more scarves than are in a Gap store, and we watched her stalker make a complete a$$ of himself on live television. I mean, 3 ingredients for some great entertainment.

Chris Harrison opens the show by letting us know that Andi has a stalker. Her scorned lover has followed her around, trying to get in contact with her and she has refused. Stalking is illegal, Nick. #restrainingorder

The crowd goes wild.

Nick finally meets Andi's parents. Her mom comments that he isn't very affectionate. Her dad looks less than amused. We have the awkward, obligatory "I'd like to marry your daughter" talk. Hy consents. Congratulations, you just agreed to let a serial killer marry your daughter.

Josh's turn. Let me stop & say I sweat like a 300lb man. Like, I am a sweat-er. And Josh. Wow. He came in like he'd just been caught in a downpour. So, they sit down & immediately entwine their bodies with each other. "Baaabe!" I mean, if there was any doubt that she was going to choose Josh, that was squashed in this episode. He asks to marry her. Hy says yes again. He's clearly ready to get rid of this girl.

Later that night, Josh talks about his two great loves: baseball & Andi. Let me just say that during this finale, I sat with a room full of girlfriends & the main topic was "WHAT THE HELL DOES JOSH ACTUALLY DO FOR A LIVING??" A former pro-baseball player does not a career make. He's going to marry her. He gives her a baseball card with his stats. I mean, ok, it was kind of cute, but for the love of all that is holy! We get it. You love baseball. You live in your glory days. MOVE.ON.

"I spend more time thinking about what could go wrong than what could go right." That's because you're on The Bachelorette. Eggs have a longer shelf life than these "relationships."

Final date with Nick. "Hopefully, today will be a day I never forget." Famous last words.

"It feels good to just let my hair down & have fun {with Nick}." Your hair is in a braid.

"I love her in ways I never thought I'd love somebody." I would love to tie her up in my basement.

"When I spend time with Nick, it makes me think things I've never thought before." Like, that I should carry pepper spray.

That night, Nick talks & hems & haws about being nervous & confident. He's ready. He's going to propose. Grumpy Cat sits & listens to him yammer on.

"I don't really know if Josh is still in the picture." He's in the next bungalow, dude.

"I woke up the morning I got engaged & something wasn't right."  I didn't have my scarf!

Andi knows what she's going to do. She's going to tell one of them he's not right for her.

"My gut tells me I'm going to do what is in my heart." ...mmmkay...?

Andi knocks on Nick's door. And it was the gasp heard 'round the world.

"When I told you I loved you, and you looked at me the way you do sometimes, and the way you respond to me took it that you meant it." It's called acting.

"Sometimes I feel like you took it too far." See above notes.

"When we were in the water & I told you I loved you, and you said 'I wish I could say things back.'" Like, you terrify me.

And he slams the roses into the trash like a temper tantrum.

How did they make it rain right after that??! Aaaand scene.

Proposal time.

Whoever measured Josh must have been drinking. That suit was about to explode. I was pretty sure we'd hear a giant riiiiip when he finally hugged her.

The first words out of Josh's mouth: "Andi, when I decided to give up my first love: baseball. I didn't know if I'd be able to find that kind of love." True love is loving someone as much as you love baseball.

Worst response ever. We're all pretty sure she is going to dump him on the ugliest proposal site Bach has ever built.

Looking at her ring: "ah, are you serious?" And we all shouted: "HE DIDN'T BUY IT!!"

Sitting against the backdrop of a sunset, we watch JODI (Josh + Andi) share disgusto barfo PDA.

Stay tuned for the After The Rose Recap...I should shower, at least, before I start in on that mess.

A.

Harriet Potter

I always wanted to go to Hogwarts. It really annoyed me that it was fictional. J.K. Rowling has the most creative, wild, amazing imagination to dream up such an incredible place. She described it in such detail that you could imagine exactly what she was seeing as she penned each book. Alas, it is fictional. Although, I think Florida has something similar.

So, I'm not going to Hogwarts, wingardum leviOsa doesn't work for me, and I don't have a pet owl who flies letters back & forth to me. I do, however, make potions. Oil potions.

I am the least granola person you will ever meet. I like A/C, not fresh air. I like candy bars, not snap peas. I like my cushioned mattress, not a tent. I like to shave my legs. When the essential oil craze started catching fire (<< see what I did there?), I thought you all were a bunch of hippie looney tunes. Yeah, I said it. Looney.Tunes. I believe in Ibuprofen. I'm not going to go rub a plant on my head & expect my headache to go away.

My very wise friend, Madison, got on my case about not using essential oils. I told her I thought it was hocus pocus. She started to disprove my theory. Testimonial after testimonial, I was riveted by what the oils were doing for people. (There is a large secret essential oil world on Facebook. They are all secretly rubbing VALOR on their husbands while they sleep to stop them from snoring. And it's working.) The clincher for me was a photo of a young girl whose face was burned when a radiator blew up in her face. She began using a Young Living potion on her face & within a week, her burns were more than 80% gone. I couldn't get my credit card out fast enough.

Premium Starter Kit comes with this rainbow of awesome

We started using scar concoctions on scars & burns. We use a sleepytime oil for the kid to help her sleep. She typically calls us into her room 3x a night before finally conking out. The nights I have used her sleepy oil she goes right to sleep. I graciously let my girlfriend use our potion. Now, my kid is yelling & her kid is sleeping. Rude. I also have this hideous little red spot on my cheek that is the bane of my existence. I have been using lemon & lavender on it, & in just a few days, it's already shrinking. I may not be a hideous beast by weeks' end!

Is this a sales pitch? Sure. I want you to buy this voodoo magic because it's awesome. Help your kids sleep so you can watch more Orange is the New Black. Rub some Valor on your husband to shut him up at night. And for the love! Diffuse some Peace & Calming + Lavender & take a hot bath while everyone is knocked out.

I lock the bathroom door, turn out the lights, soak in the hot water & let the glow of the diffuser light the room while the kids scream like banshees just on the other side.

So, just try it. All the cool kids are doing it. Join Team #hocuspocusoils. We're posting on Instagram! Find us! Tell us how they're working for you. Because they totes will. Easy squeezy to get started:

1. Click here for the sign-up page.

2. Select “Sign Up As: Young Living Wholesale Member”

3. The “Enroller ID” and “Sponsor ID” boxes should already be filled in for you.  If they aren’t, my ID is 1935445, and you can fill both the boxes with this number.

4. Fill out your name, billing address, shipping address, and contact info. (The reason you are asked for your SSN is for tax purposes; if you make over $600/year selling Young Living products, you will receive a 1099 form in the mail, as is required by law.  Young Living never shares this info with anyone.)

5. Create your password and pin which you will use to log in to your account and order your oils.

6. Select your enrollment order.  This is where you can specify which starter kit you would like.  You must sign up with one of these kits to become a Wholesale Member.  I recommend the Premium Kit with the Aroma Diffuser.

7. Set up your optional Essential Rewards Program.  Buying one of the ER kits is not a requirement to sign up as a Wholesale Member!  This is a rewards program you can opt into to start earning money back to help pay for your oils.  At this point, you can skip this step by selecting “No. thank you. I plan on enrolling in the Essential Rewards Program later.” If one of the ER kits looks valuable to you, then go for it in addition to your starter kit.

8. Agree to Terms & Conditions

9. CONFIRM YOUR ORDER. Some folks miss this step and end up not fully checking out.  To confirm, the tool will log you in and it will show you your order again and it will make you enter in your payment information again.

And like magic...best decision of your life!

a.