The Best Bach Recap You'll Read | Week 4

Group date #1

Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S., Ashley I., Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie & Kelsey

"Let's do what feels natural." I mean, it's a room full of Kim K's.

Ashley I., you are not in a Janet Jackson music video. BUTTON.YOUR.PANTS. It's not easier access for Chris.

Bikini weekend. A bunch of screaming girls in skimpy bikinis, eventually skinny dipping. "This is a date made for bimbos" - Kelsey

False. This is a date made for bimbos.

Losers "Ladies" back home 

Chris' sisters come to interview the girls to pick one for a one-on-one. We find Jillian's ass blacked out. Again. Perhaps she doesn't know that you are supposed to cover your ass when you are out in public?

Minnie Mouse. "I wouldn't have come if it had been anyone else." Riiiiight.

Britt. Is there a front-runner? Yeah, it's me. 

Jade. "You have lots of special talents." Umm, yeah, miss sugary sweet forgot to mention the porn films...WOOPS! Honest mistake.

Carly. "I want an old man to love me."

Jade wins. By omission.

Back to the group date

Kelsey needs a slap across her fake smile.

When did Chris get a beer belly?

Camping trip. I'm sorry...this sounds like the "plot" to a porn film.

Hey, wait! Did you guys know that Ashley I. is a virgin? Why didn't she mention that?

"Do you believe in aliens? This is like the area where they probed me." Mackenzie! Shut up with the aliens.

Whatever Ashley S. is smoking...I want it. I mean, that girl doesn't worry about a dang thing.

"What are you? Look at the moon. You're funny. We're sitting here. Like, that's weird to me. At this point, Chris, I like really love you and I love everything about you. I actually really do feel that way and I hope that resonates in your mind tonight." Someone get this girl an Academy Award for her role as a freaking psychopath.

If I have to watch Ashley I. try to suck Chris' mouth off of his face one more time, I am going to throw something at my TV. You're a virgin?? You don't say!

"Most guys say I can't figure you out." It is hard to understand crazy. 

"His face, seemed to me, like he got it." 

"I have no idea what she's saying right now."

Jaderella

"OMG. I can't even describe it. I AM A PRINCESS. I'm supposed to be on a date. I can't even look in there. Like, I should be the one in there. I am like a Disney princess. It, honestly, physically pains me." ASHLEY! Your crazy is showing! Definitely put on your ballgown & pretend that you should be on the date. That's totally normal. And have some corn while you're at it.

I hate to say it, but I was totally waiting for Jade to eat it coming down those stairs. Prince Farming & Jaderella have dinner, but don't touch their damn food. "I have a surprise for you:" we are going to watch your porno waltz. 

Muckfest

I mean, the other 4 shouldn't have even started. Hulk dominates them, and wins the date.

"When Jillian's talking, I become confused because the words come out faster than my brain can process. Occasionally, as Hulk's words begin to flow over my head, I begin to think of unicorns & dancing fairies. Quite beautiful." Hulk talks about herself ad nauseam and then asks if Chris would rather have sex with a homeless girl or abstain from sex for 5 years. And weirdly, he doesn't give her the rose. What?! That's totally what I would have asked Chris if I were trying to win his affection. 

Cocktail party

"What did you gather from our conversation?"

"Well, I actually wanted to talk more about it...it was intriguing...whatever you were trying to say..."

"I'm a virgin."

"I wouldn't have guessed that. People guess that? I...totally respect that, yeah. No, yeah, that's impressive." Translation = shit. I have to give her a rose tonight.

"I was actually shocked that Ashley was a virgin because I've seen her makeout with Chris like 13,000 times. Her mouth is not a virgin." I die.

Did you guys know that Ashley is a virgin? I had no clue! And quiet, sweet Becca pipes in with, "I'm a virgin too."

I was a virgin when I got married, but you know what? I didn't feel the need to tell people 498734987329 times a day. Odd, right?!

I think Britt is on her period. "Kaitlyn stripped and you gave her a rose. Why are you doing this to me?" 

"I mean, I see both sides. Kaitlyn has a lot of different fASSets." 

"I am here to find my wife. Get out if you question that. I also need to make sure she has a nice backside, so that's why Kaitlyn got the rose."

Rose ceremony

Minnie Mouse, Carly, Megan, Samantha, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Becca, Ashley I. (virgin-sympathy rose), Britt.

Peace out, Crazytown! I was slightly afraid she was going to stab him before walking out.

What do you think? Who do you think he chooses? Will he propose, and will she say yes?

Until next Monday...

xoxo,

A.

The BEST Bach in Paradise Recap EVER | Week 4

I literally rolled Stress Away on my wrists before I pressed play on this episode.

Chace Crawford's twin gets a date card & picks whiney Sarah. This will be no fun at all, Chace.

Cody, the meat head, enters with a date card & asks Clare out.

Zach hits her with the "I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket" spiel. And suddenly, it's icy cold in Tulum, Meheeco.

As much as Zach hemmed & hawed, Clare still decides to turn Cody down...? Maybe because his arms are wider than his head. That's always a bad sign.

Marcus drops the L word. I mean, it's been a long time coming...what? Three weeks?

Enter Kalon. Michelle: "He's an [bleep]." Perfectly summed up.

Kalon: "Today's date is, obviously, more about me." And no one wants anything to do with him. How many people are you going to ask out, dude?

I suppose he's lucky enough that he likes himself so much. "This is the perfect place to re-fall in love with myself." Get used to it, bro.

Jesse comes strolling up & takes Jackie out. Poor Marquel can't catch a break.

Cody can't get with Clare, so he decides to make a move on Michelle. That's gotta feel good to be the runner up...

AshLee has the audacity to think that there are only a couple of cameras in the house, & that she can run her mouth wherever, & she won't get caught. I'm sorry, honey, have you ever watched a reality show?

So, AshLee is running her mouth about Clare & Pabs doin' it in the ocean. I mean...Pabs was the one who told Clare he liked [bleeping] her. Sorry, Clare.

Michelle: "You don't mess with Clare Crawley. Ever."  #catfight

AshLee (let me pause & say that I couldn't help but picture Regina George as she was talking): "Honestly...I have no idea what I did wrong. I would never say something to hurt you." Funny. Pretty sure you let everyone know what you said. This is what we call backtracking. I had really hoped to see Clare karate chop her throat. Oh well, there's always next week!

Cody: "I wanna be honest with you, I need a rose like you."

Poor Graham is in the dark about Cruela DeVil so Michelle enlightens him. I'm suddenly questioning Graham's ditz level.

Lacy > Marcus
Clare > Zack (which is dumb because he's clearly being open about keeping things light & not being tied down.)
AshLee > Graham...walks off camera.

TO.BE.CONTINUED.

Ugh. You, tease.

Dear Twins

Hi, it's me, Mom. You have now been inside of my body for 35 weeks. Today, I am 35 weeks large. You two don't seem to care.

When I first found out I was pregnant with two babies, I was totally panicked. Panicked. We bought a brand new car just 4 short weeks before finding out our bundle of joy was 2 bundles. You two wouldn't fit in the new car. That we just bought. Not the most motherly of thoughts when it comes down to it, but that's what went through my mind. I'll make it up to you at some point.

Just a couple of months later, we were given the warning that this wasn't going to be an easy pregnancy. Now, many of Mom's friends thought that mandatory bed rest seemed like a dream. No, no. Let me tell you. I have too much energy/OCD/ADD/anxiety to bother laying around all day. I mean, you can only rewatch The Office so many times.

Oh, and pelvic rest. Thanks a lot.

By the time we were just shy of the third trimester, I landed in the hospital for 6 weeks with contractions & nearly no cervix. You guys will hear about Mom's short cervix for the rest of your lives. You're welcome.

Here we sit. The three of us. Jax, your head is slamming up against my cervix & bladder. You have totally made me pee myself. I hope you enjoyed that. Jett, if you could find it in your heart to move your head out of my rib cage, I wouldn't find it necessary to lean over chairs & couches to try & use gravity against you. And while we're at it...after 8 months of stretching, sweating, aching, crying, hormoning, hemorrhoiding, and peeing, I have just one simple request: getoutgetoutgetout!

I'm very excited to meet you both. I know you're both going to be super cool and super fun (I mean, look at your sister. We clearly make rad kids.), so just do me a solid. Waking up with contractions at 2am, that cause me to squeeze your Dad's leg, that inevitably lead to nothing, is really not my cup of tea. It's a lot better out here, so let's get this show on the road, little dudes.

Love,
Mom