Exhaustion With a Side of Hormones

This last week plus has been a whirlwind. I'm exhausted, hormonal, weepy, punchy, happy, gassy, and in love with my two new littles. I was slightly terrified to have boys because I had no idea what to expect, but man, are they cute and so sweet! As tired as I am, I don't want to stay away from the hospital.

In the last 12 days, the boys have made big strides towards heading home. We had about 9 days where we had minor progress, but we didn't have any regression either. In the last 2 days, we have turned a corner. Jax has been taking his bottles like a champ. He doesn't take every single feeding, but he has a few good ones during each day. Progress! Jett nursed for the first time yesterday & stayed on for about 10 minutes. Today, we tried again & he stayed with it for about 15 minutes. He is slow & steady. He doesn't slam bottles like Jax can, but he slowly ups the amount of milk that he takes from his bottles every few days.

I had no idea how sad I would be to leave my boys each day. The first 2 or 3 days were the hardest. I sobbed & sobbed even thinking about leaving them behind. It's not fun or easy, but I have managed to feel less like a crappy mom each night when I take off for the night. That first night away from them, I let myself heave ugly sobs in the kitchen and let every guilt-ridden thought wash over me. I shouldn't have wished for them to come out so early. I should have listened to my doctor. I shouldn't have been so flippant about being out & about trying to get them to come out. I should be at the hospital more. I should be at more feedings. I should have more milk by now. I should be with my sick daughter. I should be home taking care of my family. I should be at the hospital. I should be awake for more of their feedings. I should be home. The list goes on. Once I had my good, hard, ugly sob, I felt better.

I sat in my bathroom on Monday, pretending to be getting ready, but really having another good cry. I sat on the pot and sent my friend Laura a Facebook message. So classy. I knew I could tell Laura how I was feeling because she had been in the same boat I am now sitting in. Laura had a daughter at home, delivered her son early, and spent weeks at the hospital with her newborn baby boy in the NICU. I typed through streams of tears, begging her to tell me I was semi-normal. She was only too happy to tell me that I was, in fact, normal, and that she felt every hormonal emotion that I was feeling. She, then, offered to come sit with me yesterday. And so, we sat. We rocked babies and chatted, and I felt so much better knowing that I wasn't nuts - I was just a tired mom, sitting in a small room with tiny babies. It's a club, not a club I ever wanted to be a part of, but it's a club that I am now in, and have made other friends along the way who are in the same club. We can all appreciate the tiny milestones that our littles hit because we know how important those milestones are to each of us (I'm looking at you, Christi & Liz).

So, we take the little victories and cheer because, for these tiny ones, they are huge leaps. Each day gets a little better, and, as crappy as it is to think that we have around 3 more weeks of this hospital/home routine we're doing, each day is another day closer to our boys' homecoming.

And yes, I am healing just fine. I have a gnarly scar, but it's pretty cool. I had a lot of pain the first few days, but stopped taking the heavy duty meds pretty quickly. I still have some pain, but it's really minor. I do, unfortunately, have a swing-low-sweet-chariot belly situation going on at this point that I'm not too fond of. I'll have to work on that in my spare time when I'm not taking care of two infants and a toddler.

Keep praying for my little dudes. They are so awesome, and I can't wait for you all to get to know them.

The first time the boys have snuggled each other since they were born!

Dear Twins

Hi, it's me, Mom. You have now been inside of my body for 35 weeks. Today, I am 35 weeks large. You two don't seem to care.

When I first found out I was pregnant with two babies, I was totally panicked. Panicked. We bought a brand new car just 4 short weeks before finding out our bundle of joy was 2 bundles. You two wouldn't fit in the new car. That we just bought. Not the most motherly of thoughts when it comes down to it, but that's what went through my mind. I'll make it up to you at some point.

Just a couple of months later, we were given the warning that this wasn't going to be an easy pregnancy. Now, many of Mom's friends thought that mandatory bed rest seemed like a dream. No, no. Let me tell you. I have too much energy/OCD/ADD/anxiety to bother laying around all day. I mean, you can only rewatch The Office so many times.

Oh, and pelvic rest. Thanks a lot.

By the time we were just shy of the third trimester, I landed in the hospital for 6 weeks with contractions & nearly no cervix. You guys will hear about Mom's short cervix for the rest of your lives. You're welcome.

Here we sit. The three of us. Jax, your head is slamming up against my cervix & bladder. You have totally made me pee myself. I hope you enjoyed that. Jett, if you could find it in your heart to move your head out of my rib cage, I wouldn't find it necessary to lean over chairs & couches to try & use gravity against you. And while we're at it...after 8 months of stretching, sweating, aching, crying, hormoning, hemorrhoiding, and peeing, I have just one simple request: getoutgetoutgetout!

I'm very excited to meet you both. I know you're both going to be super cool and super fun (I mean, look at your sister. We clearly make rad kids.), so just do me a solid. Waking up with contractions at 2am, that cause me to squeeze your Dad's leg, that inevitably lead to nothing, is really not my cup of tea. It's a lot better out here, so let's get this show on the road, little dudes.

Love,
Mom

25 weeks | 2nd Trimester

Uneventful week. Starting to move towards getting the nursery set up in time for the shower. Their new, DARLING dresser gets moved in this week, computer desk will get moved out at some point, and then the cribs will go up. I even started washing baby boy clothes today, which felt really bizarre. I'm clearly in nesting mode. 

I had a moment of panic today after talking with my girlfriends about all of the things that I failed to add to my registry. I had totally forgotten about things that you need for babies. I'm out of practice. A quick trip to Target with their scanner gun fixed that in no time, and I'm feeling better. Although, NOW, I'm feeling anxious about getting everything we need. It's a lot. I'm having twins. Holy. Have I mentioned it's twins?!

***

How many of you were cheering Andi on last night as she ripped JUAN PABLO a new one?! It was awesome! How is it humanly possible that she is the only person who can see through this guy? We all knew it immediately, and we're not even "dating" the guy! I guess if Nikki and Clare can't see it, then they are well-suited for Pabs. Ridiculous. 

Can this man do nothing other than find a different body of water to make out with these chicks? Nikki was the ocean, Clare was the hot tub, and Andi was the waterfall. The interesting part was when he and Andi actually had a meaningful conversation about something she had said...and let's stop there! He was upset by the fact that she wanted to fall in love...ummm, ok. What normal human being doesn't, Pabs? Relax, muchacho. So, he starts getting uncomfortable because she is fronting off his stupidity, and his saying that she was there "by default." That's what turned him off? Ick. What happens when your precious Clare argues with you? You walk out because it irritates you that she doesn't swoon over you and gets sick of your dirty socks ON TOP of the hamper and not in it? Oh my. ABC, you really missed the boat this season. I mean, not many of these contestants are stellar, but good grief. Worst.Ever.

Eeets ok.

How far along? 25 weeks
Babies are the size of a? Head of Cauliflower
Total weight gain? 23 lbs.
Maternity clothes? Obviously.

Stretch marks? Not yet, but I have been slathering on the Cocoa Butter a ton.

Sleep? Hit & miss, I suppose. Sometimes I sleep like the dead, other nights I'm wide awake. My hips are throbbing from sleeping on my sides.

Miss Anything? Too many to list.

Movement? Oh yes. Usually when I'm winding down for the night or in the wee hours of the morning when I'm still sleeping.
Food cravings? Sweets!

Belly Button In or Out? In. Slowly losing it though...

Rings on or off? On.

Symptoms? A new one this week. Spider angiomas. Little red spots on my skin. I hate it. Luckily, they go away after pregnancy and are caused by an increase in estrogen in your body. I'd say I have a lot of that pumping through my veins at this point.

Anything making you queasy or sick? Laying on my back for longer than 5 minutes. I almost passed out at my ultrasound last week. I went from, "Oh, I need to throw up!" to "Oh, I'm going to pass out!" in about 10 seconds. No more ultrasounds on my back!

Labor Signs? Nothin'.
Happy or Moody most of the time? It's moment to moment at this point. 
Looking forward to? My shower!

From 1 to 3

I have a few friends who have twins. I'd like to say that their advice and counsel has calmed me. At times, I suppose, it has. However, I look at these women and think, "But I'm no _______. She's way better at this than I could ever hope to be." Therein, lies my problem, I suppose: comparison. Some comparison isn't necessarily bad, but the self-loathing, I'm-going-to-eat-my-weight-in-Oreos kind of comparison is probably best left untouched.

During an overly dramatic, hormonal sob fest yesterday afternoon, I really let myself get as stupid as humanly possible. I thought about all of the kick-a** women in my life who make me look like Darth Vader. I mean, come on. A lot of us know Ellie Mae, and that chick is a killer mom and she looks like a supermodel doing it. That woman hasn't perfected the top knot look like I have because she is always perfectly quaffed. I need whatever she's on.

I will be the first to tell you that I am 100% totally freaking terrified to have twins. I never planned on being a twin mom. Obviously. I think I'm making it just fine as a mom to the one I have. The inevitably that I will have multiple children that I have to bring home from the hospital and keep alive is terrifying. On top of the outrageous amount of hormones rushing through my body at any given second, I know that that part will end, but when it ends, it means that I have TWO infants to care for and feed from my body. (Typing that sentence just made me need to take a deep breath.)

I wish I could tell you that I am blissfully headed out for a #dailyTargetrun, smiling as I grab baby boy clothes and fill my cart, but in the cold, dark reality, I am skerred. Like, more scared than I have ever been in my life. I was scared when I had Maddie, but I was also blissfully unaware of all that goes into keeping those wee ones alive (Josh tells me this isn't true - he says we were both totally scared. I guess time has a way of making those feelings fuzzy). Most days, I really think God picked the wrong girl to have these boys. I could list 10 other women in my life that would be killer at this, no problem, hands down. I have a thing about shaving my legs everyday. I'm guessing smooth, shaved legs will be much farther down on the list of priorities once the twinks are here.

Maybe I will look back on this post in 5 years and laugh at the naive girl who sat in her dark bedroom in sweats while pouring out her scared little heart. I hope so. I hope I can look back and think, "Well, gosh, it just wasn't as bad as I thought it would be." Inevitably, I'm betting on that. Beneath the THICK layer of fear and uncertainty is the voice that says, "This is your job. You're going to do it, you're going to do it well, and you're going to look really hot doing it." My mom and mother-in-law both inspire me because this was them. My mom had to raise two girls in the midst of grieving the death of her brother. She got up everyday and had to decide to be a really good mom. My mother-in-law raised two boys on her own. No help at all, but she got up every morning and was a really good mom. I can't even claim either of these two scenarios. I'm just a mom, having twins, in a fairly normal family. I'm just scared. I'm outnumbered. And what if they're all smarter than I am? Then, I'm super screwed.

Is this a pity party? Nah. I'm sure many will judge me for not being so self-assured and farting rainbows, but that's just not my reality. My world is about to change in every sense of the word. It'll be a good change, and at some point, I won't be able to imagine my life without these two boys (just like it is with Maddie).

23 weeks | 2nd Trimester

I turned 30 this week! No, I don't feel different. I feel rounder, but that's not surprising since this belly is growing at an astronomical rate.

Maddie and I have been sick all week, so this hasn't been my favorite week of pregnancy. Day 8 of sickness for her, and day 5 of sickness for me. I'm over it. It's miserable for both of us, but she's had it way worse. I'm ready to be well and for some warm weather to gush in through our windows. Something about spring makes me think of being healthy - maybe it's all the Vitamin D we are soaking in. 

Spring is around the corner! I can taste it! Shower invites go out Tuesday, so be sure to RSVP! So looking forward to seeing all of you in a couple of weeks!

Forgive the blur. Some photographer, eh?

How far along? 23+ weeks
Babies are the size of a? Grapefruit
Total weight gain? 21 lbs.
Maternity clothes? Of course. I had to go buy some new stuff last week just to cover the belly. It's actually a little difficult to find the right size right now. 

Stretch marks? Not yet.

Sleep? Sleeping better this week. We've been sick all week, but in spite of that, I've been able to sleep pretty well. My body is just tired from being sick, so I knock out fast every night.

Miss Anything? Breathing normally.

Movement? All the time. They are pushing their way out as much as they can. They are clearly running out of room and are trying to stretch me out beyond what I thought humanly possible. 
Food cravings? I mean, do I need to keep saying it?

Belly Button In or Out? In.

Rings on or off? On.

Symptoms? Pain from the stretching and growing boys!

Anything making you queasy or sick? nah.

Labor Signs? More Braxton Hicks contractions the other night, but they were short lived, thankfully.
Happy or Moody most of the time? Happier, but not feeling great, so that doesn't make me terribly happy.
Looking forward to? My shower in FOUR weeks!!!