The Bachelorette Recap | Week 2

You should know that I have a tradition of checking with Reality Steve after week 1. I don't like surprises and that includes the winner of each Bach/ette season. So, yeah, I know.

Group Date

Clay, Nick, Chris R., David, Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor, & Lincoln join Beccs for the first group date. It's been a minute since there's been a roomful of ripped dudes on camera, so what's labeled as "pampering" is really just ABC trying to get their ratings up.

Jordan: Since I am the hottest person here, I want to give you some pointers: before you put your panties on, put your confidence on. Apparently, my confidence is under my panties.

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The first challenge for the grooms is drag their balls around. Yep. Balls are followed by submersion in freezing cold water, running up Crisco-covered stairs, crawling under some rope, and plowing through cake face first for a ring.

Lincoln: I hear a voice saying, win win win win win win. Good thing the voices in your head told you to win a...competition.

Connor: He cheated. He'll cheat on her. 

Lincoln works hard at the compliments, and lands the fake wedding photo. Sucker thought he was getting the rose. #psych He goes in for the kill and gets the first make-out session kiss 

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Kissing Becca is like flying to the moon on the wings of a Pegasus while dancing with unicorns on a pot of gold. My husband and I are now in a fight. He's never said this about me.

Without actually peeing on Becca, the guys begin marking their territory. Lincoln parades around his photo, and Connor acts like a teenage girl by rage-throwing it in the backyard. I.LOVE.THIS.SHOW.

Becca to Connor: I'm looking for a man, and you are a teenage girl.

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LINCOLN. For the love of all that is holy. You're crying over a photo. It's not a trophy. You cheated at an obstacle course, and someone snapped a cell phone photo. Please shut up, and stop showing ingenenuity.

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First One-on-One

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Blake & Beccs are taken to the other side of LA, dressed in onesies, and they demolish a room of Arie. Lil Jon pops out and narrates the demolition. I love this date so hard. 

Blake: The best part of this date was watching her rage. I love angry girls.

Blake snags the rose after commiserating over loser exes. It's nice to have things in common.

Second Group Date

Super mean but honest kid: Becca dodged a major bullet with Arie. Don't suck!

This is far and away the most fantastic date. Little kids pelting these dudes with balls who are trying to act cool in front of this hot girl. Please, ABC, always throw balls at your contestants.

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Colton drops the bomb that he hooked up with Tia from last season. They had a weekend alone together. I guess virginity is all relative, eh Colton?

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Cocktail Party 

It's really cute how Beccs is so surprised that these men aren't all chaste and upstanding characters. Beccs, come on, girl. You're looking for a paycheck love on national television.

Jordan is starting to just get too bored with all of these other story lines, so he starts stripping. I think, if we're really honest with ourselves, Jordan is not there for Beccs, but there for the other guys. First gay Bachelor?

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David: Do you think what you're doing is disrespectful?
Jordan: I'm hotter than everyone here. Your opinion is invalid.
Also Jordan: If we were to take an IQ test I’m certain I’d pass higher than you’d think a male model would.

Beccs: This has been the most dramatic cocktail party ever.

Beccs pulls Colty aside and gives him the business. The real problem here is that she needs to get rid of the hottest guy in the house because he banged her friend. In the most virginal way, obvi.

ABC may have canceled some of my favorite shows, but they make up for it in Jordan attending the rose ceremony in underwear and a pink towel. Apology accepted.

Beccs: I didn't know it would be so hard this early on.

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Ricky, Trent, and Alex all get rejected. I, literally, have no idea who those 3 were, so I feel nothing about this ceremony. Alex, get it together. You're in a construction. You'll be fine.

Until next week, Bach fans...

The Bachelorette Recap | Week 1

Welcome back to reality (recaps)!

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We open on Becca dripping snot from her nose, looking at old photos of Arie. Am I the only one thinking she dodged a bullet? If you didn't see Arie dump his fiancee on live television last season, put the baby in the crib, turn the sound machine on, and go hide for 2 hours. You'll need a snack, and possibly a paper bag to breathe into. #yourewelcome

Former Bachelorettes meet Becca to share some sage advice.
Jojo: This night is such a hopeful experience.
A room full of hot men who want me? Hopeful, sure.

I'm 5 minutes in, and if I hear this sorority shout, "let's do the damn thing" one more time...

Next, we get to meet some of the bachelors, showing off their muscles.

Clay cooked. Riiiiight.

Garrett. No.

Jordan is a hard pass. I don't want a man to be prettier than I am. "It is so hard to be model: I have to spray tan each week, spritz my hair with a sea salt spray, and I have to grow facial hair. It's really a curse to be so pretty."

Would it be against the contract if Becca proposed to Lincoln on night 1?

I've never seen someone else so intense about fruit the way Joe is.

What the hell is a colognoisseur, Jean Blanc?!

Colton, marry him. Just do it tonight.

Limos arrive

CH: Let's get these balls rollin'!

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Kamil is a social media participant. I have no words.

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Y tho?

The choir was nice and all, but this is all I see, Chris:

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Peacocking Cocktail Party

We are all shocked that there is at least one dude not "here for the right reasons."

I'm bored to tears listening to this dude try to pretend he's here for the right reason. Literally, have to look away from this conversation. Someone make this stop.

Becca to Jake: why do you want me now that I'm on tv?
Jake: No, I totally remember this one time that I met you.
And he's gone!

People are getting sent home, and it's night one. Have you never seen this show before?

I really don't see a front-runner for the first impression rose. This might be the most boring cocktail party I've ever watched.

OH! Garrett!? What?! Didn't see that coming. This season is going to be psychotic.

Rose Ceremony

This rose ceremony is always my favorite because the roses are really just based on looks. If there are tears from the rejected contestants, bonus!

Jordan: If the chicken stays and I go, I'd be so embarrassed, but I'm so pretty that it wouldn't matter.

Going home alone: Jake, Kamil, Joe, Darius, Chase, Grant, & Christian

It can only get less boring from here, ladies. Here's to hoping!

For The Woman Who Has Lost Her Way

David Cassidy's last words before he passed away were: "so much time wasted." I sat and sobbed as I read that over and over. 

How poignant a statement. How much time do we waste each year? Each month? Each week? Each day? Being mad, being hurt, being scared, being sad, being beat down. What a wast.

If you are like me, if you have sat in this solitude for any length of time, you know it's the loneliest place to be: without direction or purpose. Maybe, like me, you have lost friends. Maybe you don't know where to turn and how to pull yourself out of this despair. If you're like me, you got to rock bottom: you no longer wanted to exist. Maybe you're there now.

I shared snippets with a friend today of my past year and my failures. I did a lot of things wrong. A lot. I was lost, confused, hurting, broken. But do you know? I wouldn't change it. I couldn't be here, writing a beauty for ashes story, speaking life over the hurting and the lost if hadn't been there. Nothing with God is wasted - He is using it. His call on my life is for you - the lost women. The hurting women. The sad women. He wants YOU back. He wants YOU to be whole. He wants YOU to find Him in the battles and the trials. 

What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. -Luke 15:4-5

If you are lost right now, God is a breath away. Stop. Tell Him how you feel. Tell Him you're scared. Tell Him you're lost. Tell Him you don't know what to do. Ask Him to fill the void.

Now, open your Bible and start reading.

John 3:16

Matthew 26:27-28

1 Peter 2:9

Psalm 119:105

Ephesians 6:10-18

Romans 8:26-27

1 John 4:4

Psalm 121

Psalm 8:1-3

Romans 8:28

These are truths to cling to each day. When you feel lost, pull these out and let God fill you.

Thank you for sharing your stories, your struggles, your hearts. The messages pouring in make me cry, laugh, grieve, and everything in between. You are not alone - we all go through the desert sometimes.

For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost. -Luke 19:10
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