Friday, January 30, 2015

First Date

Butterflies. Sweaty palms. Outfit change. I went on a first date yesterday. I was legit scared. It's hard to meet people. What if I say the wrong thing? What if I have lipstick on my teeth? What if I snort at a joke? Oh shit! What if I swear?

I feed the boys their breakfast. Of course. Today would be the day that I get a giant glob of baby food in my bangs. Perfect.

Great. My bangs are super greasy. Ok, time for a braid. Does that make look like Heidi?

Ok, these jeans are a little tight, but I'll wear this long sweater & cover my fupa.

"Ok, I'm heading out. Do I look ok?" "Yeah, I like your hair like that. You kinda have the flower power thing going on. You're making a statement with that outfit that I don't think you're trying to make. Are you gonna go fight for women's rights or something?" 

"Great. I'll be changing now. And now I'm late."

I'm going to run out of things to say. What if she doesn't like me? I mean, I'm obviously super lovable, but maybe she won't think that. Ugh. I'm late. She probably thinks I'm not coming. I really want a Venti chai today, but she'll think I'm such a cow. Oooh, and a coffee cake. Now, she really thinks you're a cow. Ok, skinny latte, no coffee cake. Ha! Who are you kidding? You're going to get coffee cake & a cake pop. God, I need to stop eating altogether. Then I wouldn't have the fupa. Why didn't my doctor just do a minor tummy tuck? Ugh. My jeans are so tight. Is this fur vest too much? And plaid again? You should have been a lumberjack.

Walk in. Waaay overdressed. She looks normal. You look like you're going for a meeting at Vogue. Stupid. Why did you dress up? And the braid? Really? Just wear a beanie like normal people do when their hair is greasy.

Exchange pleasantries. Ok, this isn't so bad. We're actually talking about normal things. Oh, she has weird family members too. Cool. Common ground. Oh shit! You just said shit. Stop swearing, you heathen! Oh, she said asshole. Ok,  you're good. Whew.

I made a friend yesterday. It's so funny to be an adult woman and trying to make new friends. It used to be effortless. I wasn't aware of my insecurities as a 6-year-old. I didn't worry about my fupa or my potty mouth or my personality. What if she had hated my personality? Then you're just screwed. I was cracking myself up as I drove home from my coffee date yesterday. I was so nervous as I was getting ready. I looked at Josh and said, "What if she doesn't like me?" It's not like it's out of the questions. Lots of people don't like me. The internal dialogue was no joke. Those were all of the thoughts running through my head as I got ready. It was fun. And I have a new friend.

Lesson learned: when in doubt, bring up crazy family members & try to out-crazy the other person.

Go make a new friend today. :)

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Groundhog Day

Stay-at-home moms get a bad rap. Yes, we stay in our yoga pants all day, but this is not a choice. It is by default. I try to look like a girl more often than not as the boys have gotten a little older, but I will admit that most days I'm rocking the mom bun, yoga pants, & I'm free-boobin' it.

If you have ever wondered what it is like to have twins & a toddler, have ever desired to have this combination or happen to fall into this scenario, allow me to enlighten you to how things run around here.

Somewhere between 6:00 & 6:30am: boys wake up to nurse. I am, usually, deep into a creepy dream about an ex-boyfriend and drooling on my pillow, but I stumble in, grab the boys & nurse as I fight sleep. Boys go back down.

7:00am: In a hushed whisper, as close to my face as humanly possible, "MOM! MAMA! CAN YOU TURN ON A CARTOON FOR ME?"

Turn on cartoon. Back to bed.


Cereal, cartoon. Back to bed.

9:00am: Boys wake up. Nurse.

9:01am: Insert Chai tea IV.

The morning is a blur as walkers are whizzing around the room, Maddie is, as per usual, lining up her toys and yes. You guessed it. In her underwear.

9:30am: Feed the boys vomit cereal breakfast.

10:00am: Pile into the big bed for cuddling, talking, phone games, and to annoy the bejeezus out of the parents.

10:05am: I'm over it. Emails. Boys are fussing by now. Naptime.

11:00am: Boys are awake. Time to take photos of the boys in their swag for the blog. 

- Set up the room. 
- Dress the boys.
- Get Maddie to jump around like an idiot to make them smile.
- Lose my shit because Jax is trying to roll off the bed & kill himself, Jett is sucking on his shirt, his shoes or his fingers, and Maddie is screaming at the top of her lungs.
- Manage to get ONE shot. Post it. 
- Pretend like life is picturesque.
- Dry my pits that are now dripping sweat.

Her Tiny Tribe                                                                   Made by Molly

 Made by Molly                                                               Riley Clay Designs

12:00pm: Lunch. The boys get bottles, Maddie wants "sprinkle cheese and 5 pieces of apple." Ugh. Fine. Eat whatever you want.

12:30pm: Boys back down. Threaten Maddie with naptime if she doesn't hurry up & finish her damn food.

1:00pm: Silence. 

2:00pm: Once I have reached the end of Pinterest, Instagram & Facebook, work my fat ass out. 

2:45pm: Shower. Look like a girl again. Take a selfie to prove that I got dressed. And because #narcissism.

3:30pm: They are awake. Snacks. Cartoons. More chaos in the living room.

This happened. Texted Maren, begging her to tell me that it was ok that the kids were driving me crazy, so I hid in the pantry, dipping my carrots in Nutella. She assures me this is normal.

4:00pm: Operation: get these kids out of my house, unless it's spring thru fall & then I'm FREEEEEE. Working, but FREEEEEE.

Kids vs. no kids. Either way, there's always Starbucks.

- Kids: hoofing it through Centerra, sweating & swearing under my breath that I will never ever take these monsters angels out in public by myself again.

And the comments.
"Oh my! You have your hands full."
"You aren't having more, are you?"
"Bless your heart. You must be exhausted."
"Are they twins?" "No, I stole one."

- Working: jumping around, making fart sounds to make other people's kids laugh. 

5:30pm: In the door. Pants off, bra off, hair up. Dinner.

6:00pm: Bath.

6:30pm: Nap. 'Toons for Maddie. Emails, editing, cleaning.

7:00pm: Bath for Mama. Really, this is just me laying in the bath, Instagramming.

8:00pm: Editing, emailing, rewashing the laundry I put in that morning.

9:00pm: Maddie is down for the night. Friends marathon for Mama.

10:30pm: Bottles for the boys. Adult time. And by adult time, I mean, we both lay next to each other on our phones while Parks & Rec plays on the TV. 

11:00pm: Pillow over my face, drooling.

6:00am: Wake up, repeat.

Most days I think, "What the hell was I thinking?" But then, this:

And I'm like, "You guys are so lucky you're cute."

Happy Thursday, moms. We're all having the same day. Go hide in your pantry & spoon some Nutella into your mouth. We've all done it. No judgment. Just solidarity. 

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

The Best Bach Recap You'll Read | Week 4

Group date #1

Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S., Ashley I., Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie & Kelsey

"Let's do what feels natural." I mean, it's a room full of Kim K's.

Ashley I., you are not in a Janet Jackson music video. BUTTON.YOUR.PANTS. It's not easier access for Chris.

Bikini weekend. A bunch of screaming girls in skimpy bikinis, eventually skinny dipping. "This is a date made for bimbos" - Kelsey

False. This is a date made for bimbos.

Losers "Ladies" back home 

Chris' sisters come to interview the girls to pick one for a one-on-one. We find Jillian's ass blacked out. Again. Perhaps she doesn't know that you are supposed to cover your ass when you are out in public?

Minnie Mouse. "I wouldn't have come if it had been anyone else." Riiiiight.

Britt. Is there a front-runner? Yeah, it's me. 

Jade. "You have lots of special talents." Umm, yeah, miss sugary sweet forgot to mention the porn films...WOOPS! Honest mistake.

Carly. "I want an old man to love me."

Jade wins. By omission.
Back to the group date

Kelsey needs a slap across her fake smile.

When did Chris get a beer belly?

Camping trip. I'm sorry...this sounds like the "plot" to a porn film.

Hey, wait! Did you guys know that Ashley I. is a virgin? Why didn't she mention that?

"Do you believe in aliens? This is like the area where they probed me." Mackenzie! Shut up with the aliens.

Whatever Ashley S. is smoking...I want it. I mean, that girl doesn't worry about a dang thing.

"What are you? Look at the moon. You're funny. We're sitting here. Like, that's weird to me. At this point, Chris, I like really love you and I love everything about you. I actually really do feel that way and I hope that resonates in your mind tonight." Someone get this girl an Academy Award for her role as a freaking psychopath.

If I have to watch Ashley I. try to suck Chris' mouth off of his face one more time, I am going to throw something at my TV. You're a virgin?? You don't say!

"Most guys say I can't figure you out." It is hard to understand crazy. 

"His face, seemed to me, like he got it." 

"I have no idea what she's saying right now."


"OMG. I can't even describe it. I AM A PRINCESS. I'm supposed to be on a date. I can't even look in there. Like, I should be the one in there. I am like a Disney princess. It, honestly, physically pains me." ASHLEY! Your crazy is showing! Definitely put on your ballgown & pretend that you should be on the date. That's totally normal. And have some corn while you're at it.

I hate to say it, but I was totally waiting for Jade to eat it coming down those stairs. Prince Farming & Jaderella have dinner, but don't touch their damn food. "I have a surprise for you:" we are going to watch your porno waltz. 


I mean, the other 4 shouldn't have even started. Hulk dominates them, and wins the date.

"When Jillian's talking, I become confused because the words come out faster than my brain can process. Occasionally, as Hulk's words begin to flow over my head, I begin to think of unicorns & dancing fairies. Quite beautiful." Hulk talks about herself ad nauseam and then asks if Chris would rather have sex with a homeless girl or abstain from sex for 5 years. And weirdly, he doesn't give her the rose. What?! That's totally what I would have asked Chris if I were trying to win his affection. 

Cocktail party

"What did you gather from our conversation?"

"Well, I actually wanted to talk more about was intriguing...whatever you were trying to say..."

"I'm a virgin."

"I wouldn't have guessed that. People guess that? I...totally respect that, yeah. No, yeah, that's impressive." Translation = shit. I have to give her a rose tonight.

"I was actually shocked that Ashley was a virgin because I've seen her makeout with Chris like 13,000 times. Her mouth is not a virgin." I die.

Did you guys know that Ashley is a virgin? I had no clue! And quiet, sweet Becca pipes in with, "I'm a virgin too."

I was a virgin when I got married, but you know what? I didn't feel the need to tell people 498734987329 times a day. Odd, right?!

I think Britt is on her period. "Kaitlyn stripped and you gave her a rose. Why are you doing this to me?" 

"I mean, I see both sides. Kaitlyn has a lot of different fASSets." 

"I am here to find my wife. Get out if you question that. I also need to make sure she has a nice backside, so that's why Kaitlyn got the rose."

Rose ceremony

Minnie Mouse, Carly, Megan, Samantha, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Becca, Ashley I. (virgin-sympathy rose), Britt.

Peace out, Crazytown! I was slightly afraid she was going to stab him before walking out.

What do you think? Who do you think he chooses? Will he propose, and will she say yes?

Until next Monday...
Sunday, January 25, 2015

6 Types of Underwear & Their TRUE Function

If you know me well, you know that my favorite word is brunch and my least favorite word is panties. And moist. Gag. Panties is just the grossest word to me. I don't know why. I just hate it. Panties aren't panties in our house - they are "unders."  

In my 12 short years as an adult, I have been through my fair share of panties. You try thongs when you're a teenager because you think it's super cool to have a piece of fabric riding between your ass cheeks. You bust out the granny panties when you're pregnant because no longer will regular panties cover your bloated ass cheeks. You go commando because some of those pants are just too tight & you will look like a turkey tressed up for Thanksgiving dinner. There are a million options out there.

If I were in charge of marketing, this would be how unders were described. Truthful, to the point, no fuss.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

The Best Bach Recap You'll Read | Week 3

What an AMAZING week. It's AMAZING how annoying a room full of women can be. It's AMAZING that The Bachelor gets more irritating each week.

1st 1-on-1

Kaitlyn. Trip to Costco for "enough ketchup to fill a hot tub" in her Kelly Kapowski crop top. "I don't think there's anything more romantic than cooking dinner together." I can think of about 453879 things that are more romantic, my dear. More kissing. Gobbling like a turkey. More kissing. Chris' laugh. I was dying. He laughs like my 4-year-old daughter.

And also, it's a date with Jimmy Kimmel...the producers are clearly running out of material.

Jimmy: I think we all assume you're making love in the fantasy suite. 
Chris: *shit-eatin' grin*
Jimmy: Will you be angry with Chris if he's shagging 3 other girls?
Kaitlyn: I mean, I can't. You have to test out a car before you buy it. 
You mean they aren't all virgins until their wedding night!?!?!?

Obviously, she gets a rose. I mean, she ate steak, drank whiskey, & give Chris the go-ahead to sleep his way through the group. Duh. More making out.

Date #2 

Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracy, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Samantha, Nikki, Carly.

We're basically watching Kim Kardashian shuck corn, milk a goat, drink said milk, and rastle a pig. It's...well, what you would expect: a train wreck. And for the LOVEOFALLTHATISHOLY!! I am so SICK of looking at Jillian's ass. We know that it's toned - cover it up, Arnold!

Carly wins. "You are a man, and I am a woman, so let's make out. Awkwardly."

"There is a fair amount of kissing going on...which is the point." Is it? I thought it was to find a wife...?

MACKENZIE! Your crazy is showing! Put it away! Why is he kissing everyone else? I don't know because he likes all the girls in the house? Because he hasn't chosen you? Kill me. What a doofus.

Becca awkwardly doesn't kiss Chris & then follows it up with an equally awkward speech. This show makes me so uncomfortable. "I just hope you don't need a kiss to get a rose." She gets the rose.

2nd 1-on-1

Whitney. I, honestly, CANNOT stand the Minnie Mouse-ness. AND I would like to point out, during her date, she has a few moments when she's talking & the nasal voice is gone. So, it's an act, which annoys me. BUT I hate to say it, because this show is so fake, but I really liked Whitney at the end of this date. She is now my favorite - errr, I'm not actively rooting against her.

So, we're crashing a wedding. I'm so sure. It was both funny & awkward, but her attitude, the way she spoke to the guests & how she carried herself made her super endearing.

And his dancing. OMG. I die. More making out. And a rose. She rolled the "cab."

Pool party

I'm confused. Typically, when there is swimming, one puts on a bathing suit, throws their hair up in a messy bun, albeit a cute messy bun, and NO MAKE-UP because water washes your make-up off & then you look like a psycho killer with mascara running down your face. I guess these girls didn't get the memo.

One hour of primping for a "pool" party.

Juelia tells Chris her story. So so sad.

The sharks descend.

Chris takes Jade up to his room for some soft-core porn. I mean, my underwear cover more than her bathing suit "bottoms."

Jillian waits like a stalker in his hot tub. She is as ripped as he is. I'm legitimately scared of her.

Mackenzie, Megan & psycho Ashley I. come crash the hot tub. ASHLEY! Stop throwing a freaking temper tantrum. There are no rules here. The name of the game is to get as much time with Chris as possible. You think someone should just walk away after 10 minutes? Relaxicab. I am honestly shocked Chris gave her a rose after she behaved like my 4-year-old daughter, crying, bitching & gossiping. And then that kissing. Omg. He probably needed a towel to wipe off all the slobber on his face.

Rose ceremony

Jade, Juelia, Mackenize (whhhhyyyyyy!!?!?!?), Kelsey, Britt, Megan, Carly, Ashley S., Nikki, Jillian, Ashley I. Count your lucky stars, Ashley. You got a sympathy rose.

Jimmy's hysterical limo ride is spot-on. "We had 4 days together!!!! Wahhhhhh!"

Until next week!
Tuesday, January 13, 2015

The Best Bachelor Recap You'll Read | Week 2

If you ever doubted for a second that the Bachelor is just another scripted reality show, watch the rose ceremony from this week. I mean, come on. Mental Molly has lost her mind, & he gives her a rose.

I quit.


Ok, I'm back.

You have no idea how many times I yell at the tv, "HAVE SOME FREAKING SELF RESPECT!" to these "ladies." I mean, he didn't pick you, but definitely cry & beg him to let you come back in & see how that works out for you, Kimberly. Guys love desperation.

Kardashian country

This week, we join #princefarming back at the Bachelor house with the "ladies" all vying for his attention. Weird. Group date #1: Jade, Tandra, Ashley I, Mackenzie, Kimberly, Tara. "Show me your country." Translation: bust out your slutty cutoffs & pair them with cowboy boots. First "date" begins with a pool party where Chris watches 6 "ladies" run around in bikinis for an hour, and then they ride tractors through downtown LA in bikinis...I mean, this sounds like the plot for an adult film. In spite of Ashley I's quip about being "more Kardashian than country," she wins the rose.

Head case

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Jillian & Megan break into Chris' house & snoop. Megan proceeds to try on his motorcycle helmet & slam her head up against every surface in his house. She clearly had brain damage before she started.

Aliens & baggage

Chris takes Mackenize out to chat where she drops the kid bomb on him. "Ummmm, well, okkkkk, ummm, I have a child." His name is Kale. Like the lettuce. "Ummmm, soooo, do you believe in alienssss?" Kid bomb = sympathy rose."I feel like this could be the beginning of my fairy tale." False.

Megan's love note

Megan gets a love note from #princefarming and has to be told that it's a date card. Duh. "The butteries in my stomach are colorful & smiling." Ummm... Aaaaand sympathy rose. Makeout session.

Zombie Apocalypse

Nothing irritates me more than scaredy cat, screaming ADULT women. We're not in a horror movie, "ladies" (although, this show does feel like something out of a horror flick). So, Kelsey, Trina, Alissa, Tracy, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Kaitlyn, and Britt join Farmer Boy in the middle of nowhere to shoot zombies with paintball guns, where Ashley S. goes absolutely bat-shit crazy. I mean, girlfriend is either absolutely out of her ever-loving mind or she is taking some intense psychotropic drugs. Poor Chris can't even. 

Once Chris has kissed every "lady" in the group, he finally gives the date rose to Kaitlyn

Oh, and while all of this nonsense is ensuing, our hometown hero, Jordan, is doing handstands & twerking. I mean, her mother must be so proud.

Cocktail party

Basically, all you need to know is that Farmer Boy makes out with everyone except drunk-as-a-skunk, Jordan.

Rose ceremony

Britt, Ashley I., Trina, Kelsey, Samantha, Juelia (omg. how horrible was it when Jillian thought he said her name & then she totally eats it on the rug & cackles like a witch!!), Amber, Tracy, Nikki, Jillian, Jade, Becca, Carly, Whitney, and then just for shock value: Ashley S. I hate this show, I hate this show, I hate this show.

See you next week.
Sunday, January 11, 2015

I love you, but you're annoying me.

If you ever feel like a bad mom, call my friend Maren. She will quickly tell you that you are completely normal. Mom guilt follows me around all day. I lay my head down at night and feel guilt for yelling, being lazy, forgetting to bring snack to preschool, letting the boys cry too long, letting Maddie eat her 4835097309th grilled cheese for the week, etc. I believe that I am the only shitty mom in the world. Enter: Maren.

Driving away from a Target trip the other day, I called Maren & before saying hello, I blurted out, "You know how you always love your kids, but some days you just can't stand them? Well, they are annoying the hell out of me." Without missing a beat, she says, "Totally. That was yesterday." I laugh because, I heard many times growing up, "I love you, but I don't like you right now." Am I scarred by that? No, because, really, teenagers are the living worst. What I didn't realize is that 4-year-olds can be just as snarky (although, part of me is proud for teaching this kid wit & sarcasm at such a young age), sassy & condescending as a teenager.

Maren's mom wisdom is always so apropos. While I sat in my car, worrying that I was going to burn for disliking my child, she quickly reassured me that I was, in fact, normal. We all go through it. Can you think of one person, including yourself, who you like No. Kids are humans. Humans can be annoying. Hell, I know I'm annoying, so why wouldn't my offspring be annoying every once in a while?

So, if you are sitting here today, believing you are the only crappy mom in the world, rest assured, I am crappy as well. Kids are tough. Add in the "mommy, mama, mom, look, mommy, mom, look at me mama" from the back seat, dirty dishes, whining, burning dinner, running out of toilet paper, and all of the irritating things that happen during your day, it's honestly amazing that more of us haven't walked out the front door in our uggs and no bra, and just quietly closed the door behind us. We are warriors, ladies. Chin up. Call Maren. She'll make you feel better.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015

The Best Bachelor Recap You'll Read | Week 1

Can we just? 80/40, Lacey? Poor Marcus hung his head in shame when that "math" flew out of her mouth. You picked a winner, dear.

Oh my. There are so many snarky things to say. If you aren't familiar with Prince Farming, here is what you need to know: farmer, Iowa, rich, muscles.

Love is a lot like farming. We open on farmer Chris kneeling in his crops, eating some kind of ORGANIC plant. I mean, Mackenize, can I help you to a dictionary where we can get a rundown on what the word organic means? I'm guessing she only buys organic foods, and yet, has no idea what the hell it means. Whole Foods' marketing guy just saw dollar signs. ANYWAY, so, the opening Fabio scenes are just ugh. Gazing out over his crops on his Harley, the ever-popular shower scene where he showers outdoors as the soap rolls down his spray-tanned muscles.

Meet the "ladies" - these are the notes I took while I watched. Are they rude? Sure, but you expected nothing less.

"I wish I were a polygamist right now."

Britt (waitress) Hyperventilator, note for a free "hug," first impression rose, first to mack on Prince Farming. Now, I'm not going to lie, that was a flippin' hot kiss and I was totally feelin' it too. I gasped & yelled, "KISSING WHORE," but you know, it was hot, so that's all that matters.
Whitney (fertility nurse) Minnie Mouse. Gets a rose. Kill me. I can't listen to her for another week.
Kelsey (guidance counselor) Poor dear is a widow. She seems too nice for this show. Maybe she should try The Price is Right or something?
Megan (Make-up artist) No notes. I clearly was unimpressed. Rose.
Ashley I (Freelance journalist) So, freelance journalist = unemployed, but that's ok because she's gorgeous & funny. Rose.
Trina (Special Ed Teacher) Again, no notes. Unimpressed. Although, on her Bach bio, when asked what kind of fruit or vegetable she would be, she answered, "I would be a coconut. I love how they grow in such beautiful, exotic yet uninhabited places. No one would ever eat me! I would smell and taste delicious too! And I'd have lots of health benefits to offer." I would maybe not tell people you actually went to graduate school, love. Rose.
Reegan (donated tissue saleswoman) Remember Dick in a Box? Well, this wasn't funny & JT wasn't there. Heart in a box. Heart in a freaking box. She was sent packin'. Shocker.
Tara (sport fishing enthusiast) Sport. Fishing. Enthusiast. Please tell me she just omitted her actual occupation OR she's rich as eff and can do whatever she wants with her days. Initially, I liked this girl. She stepped out in cowboy boots & 'Dukes. I was like, oh, hell yes. Then she starts shooting Jameson. Appreciate that she isn't sipping champs with her snooty pinky in the air, but then, she shoots one too many shots. Jameson 1, Tara 0. I was really hoping she'd fall off those stairs. Rose. Because why not.
Nikki (FORMER NFL cheerleader) No notes. Just that being a FORMER-something does not an occupation make. Where the hell do they find these people!? Rose.
Amanda (ballet teacher) If it were possible for someone to kill you with their eyes, this would be the girl who could do it. No rose. He was scared too.
Jillian (news correspondent) All I wrote was buff arms. No rose. He doesn't want a girl who could kick his ass.
Mackenzie (mom) "What's alfalfa? Is it organic?" I actually gave her a rose. I was flummoxed.
Ashley S (hair stylist) "ONION. LOOK AT THAT FREAKING ONION." You get picked from thousands of girls in America, and you can't stop at ONE glass of champs? They really need to start showing the Bach the behind the scenes footage before he picks. Rose.
Kaitlyn (dance instructor) "You can plow my fields anytime." Aww, her mom must be so proud. Rose.
Amber (bartender) No notes. Seems nice. Rose.
Samantha (fashion designer) Her profile says she can't live without lip gloss. Iowa is not for you. Rose.
Michelle (wedding cake decorator) Neither Chris or I were impressed. No rose.
Juelia (esthetician) Rose
Becca (chiropractic assistant) Rose
Tandra (exec assistant) Boot her just for the name, Chris. Ugh. Rose.
Alissa (flight attendant) My only notes: boobs. Aaaand whaddya know? She gets a rose.
Jordan (student - whiskey) Typically, when a hometown girl is on a show, you rally, you make signs, you hoot & holler. This is not the case for Jordan. Girlfriend is from Windsor and was already 3 sheets to the WIND when she arrived. He likes the drunkies. She got a rose too.
Nicole (real estate agent) You want to make an impression against a sea of airheads, but the pig nose? Really? He didn't dig it either. No rose.
Brittany (WWE diva in training) They are clearly not #soulesmates. No rose.
Carly (cruise ship singer) Pollyanna was adorable. Super cheesy karaoke, but he dug it. Rose.
Tracy (4th grade teacher) Note from her "class." Rose.
Bo (plus-size model) ABC, we see right through you. No rose.
Kimberly (yoga instructor) Lots of body builder-ish ladies this season. And they all got sent packing. Guys don't really love the whole beefy girl thing. No rose.
Kara (hs soccer coach) Too aggressive for me.
Jade (cosmetics developer) He dug her. Rose.

This season looks...dramatic. Clearly, Chris & some chick make it in the tent & then e'rybody finds out. Looks like he's not the only kissing whore on the show this season.

Who do you think wins? Who do you like? Who do you hate? If you're participating in the Bachelor Bracket, just email me your lists (this is just for fun - no prize money is involved, so relaxicab).

Happy Baching!

Thursday, January 1, 2015

New Year, New Bach

Dear friends,

It has been many months since my fingers have flown across the keyboard to share my sarcasm with you. Only one thing can bring me back to my roots: The Bachelor. Quite possibly my favorite bach of all time will be gracing our televisions starting next week. Unfortunately, Chris is going to wind up meeting psychotic beeches, catty beeches, DUMBER THAN ROCKS beeches, and everything in between. Dear Chris deserves a precious country girl who rocks some cowboy boots, Daisy Dukes & a plaid button up, and has a heart of gold. Ok ok, I'm describing myself (minus the 'Dukes because #cellulite because #kids and #donuts), but unfortunately for Chris, I am married. 

Life has been crazy for our tribe, but I am happy to be back blogging & being obnoxious for the 9485739 season of The Bachelor. As a fun activity, I will be doing a Bachelor Bracket for TRC readers. If you want to participate, email me at or post your stats in the comments below. 

Go to to meet the weirdos who have been chosen for this season. And watch for week 1's recap next week right here! Happy Bach-ing!

Miss Sarcasm.