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Tuesday, January 26, 2016

The Best Damn Bach Recap | Week 4


Week 4 we head to the trashiest place in America: Las Vegas.

JoJo's Date

We, literally, have no idea what the hell Ben did on his date with JoJo except for making out as much as humanly possible. And you know what? We ain't sad about it 'cause it was hot.




How's that wife material working out for ya, Benji?

Everyone but Becca Date

This is just about the worst thing you could have watched on television last night. A talent show with a bunch of talentless bimbos. The only two with a talent were the obnoxious AF twins who Irish step danced. Kudos for not being the worst at something for a change.


I'd be lying if I didn't say that I thought maybe I could strip as my talent.

The best part of this entire "performance" is Ben's face. He simultaneously wants to watch and die. 


Cue: drama, panic attacks, theatrics, tears, and hyperventilating. Boys love that.


Tonight's cocktail party consisted of wearing as little clothing as necessary. We get to see Caila's, AKA Sex Panther, ass cheek for her entire segment, as well as play the game "when-is-Olivia's-boob-going-to-pop-out-and-say-Hi?" For someone who was concerned about not being wife material, she sure was showing off her hooters for all the world to see.

And we all died a little inside when Ben got his hands on Lauren. He's smitten, twitterpated, and totally falling in love with her, and I'm totally jealous and he's mine, Lauren.

Can we just all take a second to thank Ben's parents for making this beautiful creature?

Oh, and during all of this, Olivia is losing her shit. Business as usual. 

Olivia: I need reassurance. I love him. He loves me. I'm not sure what's going on. I need to be around him. I think it's ok. That wasn't me. I think I'm losing it. I'm in love with Ben.

Ben: Please don't touch me.


She walks away thinking he's about to propose marriage. 

Aaaand Lauren gets the date rose. Shocker.

Becca's Date

Becca puts on an ugly wedding dress, and heads to the Little White Wedding Chapel where Ben proposes...marrying the weirdos who get married in Vegas while they are drunk AF.


One of the dumber dates we've been subjected to. Saving grace? Staring at hot Ben for 10 hot minutes while he married people who will soon be looking for a divorce attorney once they sober up. 


Ben: How is this different than your last go at finding love on national television?

Becca:  I wasn't feeling the cows and corn vibe.

Ben: Are you feeling this?

Becca: It's so hard...when you're attracted to someone and you want to...

Ben:  Jump their bones!

Becca: Let's make out a little more just to make your pants a little more uncomfortable.

The Creepy Twin Threesome

In one of the creepiest dates in Bachelor history, Ben takes the twins on a date.


Thanks for wearing the same damn thing so no one can tell you apart. Way to be individuals.

Emily throws Haley under the bus by telling Ben "she's just not that into you."

Haley cries, while Emily snuggles up in Ben's lap and cries, "She's so happy for me."

Meanwhile, Haley is crying her eyes out surrounded by a herd of Dachshunds.

And did you catch the essential oils in...one of their rooms'? I mean, it's the wrong company, but I could help her find the purest, best stuff on earth right HERE and HERE.

Cocktail Party

Not gonna lie that I was totally hoping that Ben would send Emily home during the rose ceremony. Like, PSYCH!!

In a last ditch effort, Olivia corners Ben to show tell him she's not insecure and that she's in love with him.

Ben

Amber goes home while gracefully ripping her shoes off and throwing herself on a pool chair, crying about how stupid she is and how no one loves her. 


And some girl named Rachel leaves. 


Thursday, January 21, 2016

Friday Favorite | Hello, Grace

Happy Friday! We survived! I gave you a nice long break between Christmas and now, but I couldn't wait any longer to show you some new threads!




I'm not kidding when I tell you that I have been living in this raglan. It is so cozy and comfy. I dress it up and dress it down. Versatile! And I love this subtle message: BELOVED. Nothing screaming or boisterous, but people know Who you're talking about.



Here's a few things I love about Grace & her shop: Hello, Grace is dedicated to create thoughtful and well-designed products that are both faith based and fashionable. We are inspired by the goodness of God and desire to convey a positive message about who He is through our designs.

Hello, Grace is honored to partner with Love Bought International. They are an organization that is dedicated to love God, love others and to change the world! They are currently raising money to build an orphanage in Bogata, Columbia. 10% of every sale will go towards this effort. Please visit www.lovebought.com for more information and to find out other ways you can help!



Run to Hello, Grace & buy everything. Grace has a variety of tees for you and your littles that you will absolutely love! To stay up-to-date on her latest designs, follow Hello, Grace on Instagram.

Thank you, again, Grace, for letting me share your beautiful shop and your beautiful heart! 

Sugar Scrub


So, you could totally eat this, but really, it's for your face. It smells like heaven and my skin feels AMAZING today! Try it! Easy to whip up, smells like fall, and it's wonderful for sloughing off dead skin cells.


- 1 cup packed brown sugar
- 1/4 cup coconut oil
- 3 tbsp vanilla extract
- 4 drops YL Cinnamon Bark

Soak in a hot bath, rub this on your face and chest, and enjoy!
Tuesday, January 19, 2016

The Best Damn Bach Recap | Week 3



Lauren B. Date

Lauren B: OMG, Benji. I'm so scared. I mean, I know I'm a flight attendant, but hold me. 

Well played, betch. Well.Played.


Lauren B: I think I'd feel a lot safer if you stuck your tongue down my throat.


If I had a dollar for every time I had a date in a hot tub in the middle of effing nowhere...

And don't even try to lie when he looked at LB and said, "Dang it, you're cute!" You died a little inside because it wasn't fair and it was so cute and you want to be her and you also want to cut a bitch.

Ben: What do you like in life?
LB: Mowing the lawn. 
Ben: Our life together would be so exciting.
LB: Iknowright?!
Ben: I want to have your babies right now.

For a final surprise, Ben pulls LB into a barn to hear some band? chick? named Lucy Angel and they dance. And we all die inside because Ben is falling hard for this chick. 


Group Date

Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H, Olivia, Jami, Rachel, Lace, Emily are chosen for the group date. Why they think that this would qualify as a "date" is beyond me. In reality, they are dating each other, not Ben.

If there is one thing I hate, it is a bunch of ditzy, squealing girls trying to play sports. There are kicks to shins, airheads dropping like flies, and mass amounts of Mac foundation dripping from faces. It is an absolute train wreck. 


Thankfully, we are only subjected to this awkward display for a few minutes before the Stripes team wins and the Stars go home to cry alone with the camera crew in the bathroom.


Listen, Olivia is a bitch, yes, but she's not doin' nothin' that I wouldn't be doin'. Y'all bitches are just mad because you are too shy to steal him away the second he stops talking. It's a game, ladies. Get your poop in a group, collect $200 and pass go.


Jami: Please don't be mad at me, but the girls are talking about your body.
Olivia: My calves? My cankles? You can tell me. I won't hit you.
Jami: Your freak toes and your dragon breath.
Olivia: That's it. I will cut them all.


Jubilee's Date

I wasn't a Jubs fan from day one, but this girl is one-woman circus of bipolar disease mixed with bat shit. 


Jubilee 1: I want to be on a date.
Jubilee 2: I'm going to throw up.
Jubilee 3: Ben has a type, but I'm going to skirt around what I really mean.
Jubilee 1: It would mean so much if I got the date.
Jubilee 2: No one loves me.



I, literally, can't keep up with the tidal wave of emotions that this girl shares with us. She's happy for 2 seconds and then wants someone else to take her date with Ben because she's scared. Girl, enjoy it while it lasts because Ben is going to want off this roller coaster of crazy real quick. 


Ben: Tell me a little about yourself.
Jubs: My whole family died and I'm adopted. 
Ben: Well, I have to give you the rose now.

Heavy shit for week 3, Jubs. Maybe save this for like week 5?


Cocktail Party


Bless Benji's heart. He had two family members die the night before and asks that the women comfort him. 


Olivia thinks this is the perfect time to whine about her cankles. 


Ben: My family members just died.
Olivia: I don't care. My ankles are fat. *holds back tears*

Jubs steps in and gives Ben a massage. Again, not doing anything I wouldn't do. It's not like there was a happy ending. Keep your panties on, ladies.


Do we have a doctor reading this? Could someone please prescribe this psycho some kind of anti-psychotic stat!?


Poor Lace was feeling left out of CrazyTown, so she made her dramatic exit. 

Lace: I need to be medicated.
Ben: I know.


Rose Ceremony

Lauren H.
Amanda
Becca
Haley
Emily. You can't pick one and not the other, let's be real.
Rachel
Caila
JoJo
Jennifer
Leah
Olivia. One word: ratings.

ShuShu, no. You didn't even talk to him. Stop crying.


Jami: I'm 23 and my life is over. Time to start the Crazy Cat Lady transition.
Saturday, January 16, 2016

The Ultimate Galentine's Day Brunch Guide

As 31 fades to a close, I have realized the power of having a girl squad who would cut anyone who double crosses me. I have uttered the phrase "this is why girls hate other girls" more times than should be allowed. The cattiness, the name-calling, the back-stabbing. I can't. I left junior high so long ago, amiright?!

I'm a party-er. I just am. Not in the "oh my god. I woke up puking on my neighbor's garden gnome" way, but in the Pinterest-AF, magazine-worthy variety. Combine the two, and meet Leslie Knope's love child.


This year, I have started to gather everything necessary to host a Galentine's Day Brunch for my closest, bestest, gal pals and wanted to share them with you.

Here is the ultimate list you need in your life to pull this off.


1. Heart-shaped Waffle Iron. If Leslie Knope had known about this, I think her heart would have exploded. Be sure you have plenty of whipped cream.


2. A pink cake. I think this is self-explanatory.

3. A Galentine's Day Banner. It's even more amazing in person, guys.


4. Galentine's Day Printables. I sent out THE cutest Galentine's Day Brunch invites (pictured above), and there will definitely be Hoes before Bros wine bottle labels on that table. 


5. Sequin Table Runner. Yeah, I did.

6. Flowers & more flowers. I love flowers, and this table will have arrangements.

7. Galentine's Day Swag. Another great printable to tie onto whatever swag you get your gals, plus this amazing spoon that is stupid expensive, but gahhh. The feelings.


8. Galentine's Day Cookies. Because heart-shaped cookies are the cutest. If you are local, hit up Daddy Cakes Bakery for all your cookie needs.

"Oh, it's only the best day of the year! Every February 13th, my lady friends and I leave our husbands and our boyfriends at home, and we just come and kick it, breakfast-style. Ladies celebrating ladies. It's like Lilith Fair, minus the angst. Plus frittatas." - Leslie Knope

If you decide to host your Galentine's Day for your lady friends, tag me, tell me about it, email me. Ladies celebrating ladies is the best thing in the history of the world!

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

The Best Damn Bach Recap | Week 2


We open on girls squealing. I feel stereotyped.

An 11-Way

Jackie, LB, Lauren H., Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, Lace are all chosen to go back to high school.

LB: I've never been so turned on in a high school. You, clearly, didn't go to Baptist school where you were clam dammed at every turn.

Chris Harrison: Make Ben's "volcano erupt" and collect a marriage proposal.


Ben: One of the things I love about this date is how the girls are putting themselves out there and making out with apples. It's a very important quality for my future wife to have.


And just when you thought that these women were just a rack and some highlights, they prove they are, indeed, just a rack and some highlights.


During the alcoholics gathering, we are subjected to a bunch of bitches bitching about how they aren't getting enough face time with Ben. I don't know...try getting off your ass and stealing some time if you'd like some time. 

And shockingly, Lace's "eye-f*cking" wasn't enough to get her the date rose. JoJo's mouth effing seemed to work better. Go figure.


Caila

Tigger is chosen as Ben's first 1-on-1 where they are "so surprised" by Ice Cube and Kevin Hart as their "ride alongs." Kill me dead with all the in-show advertising.

'dafuq?

It's pretty much the most boring, vanilla date in the history of The Bachelor. They end in a restaurant, talking about why Ben thinks he's unlovable, as every girl in America throws her bra at the television in hopes that he will come find us so that we can love him.

I'm just going to leave this right here... (fan submission. I have a fan.)

Thermal Porn

Emily, Shushanna, Sam, Olivia, Haley, Amanda have to take off their clothes, put on white underwear and have their physical compatibility tested as they sit nose-to-nose with Ben. Also, he has to smell their ribs. 

You know, like you do on a date.


Poor Sam needs a shower and maybe some Viagra.

Looks chilly.

No reason. Just yikes.


Mom: I have kids.
Ben: Oh...great...that would be great. So, I would get a wife...and...a family. Great. No, really, that's great.
Mom: I feel so great!!!
Ben: Great. Let's go find someone else to talk to.


Mom: Olivia got the rose and I don't get it. How could like any conversation be better than like me telling Ben that he like has to be a parent to my kids and like deal with my ex-husband? Like, this makes like no sense.

Cocktail Party

More bitching from the bitches bitching about not getting any Ben time. I guess it's better to sit on the couch, twirling your hair than talk to some hot guy who keeps giving you flowers and asking you to stick around. 

Also, they all hate Olivia for playing the game. Standing O for Olivia, in my opinion. You get yo' man, girl. 


Lace: I have reasons for being bat shit crazy. I'm a lot to handle, but I'm not crazy. I'm sorry that I keep yelling at you, but you're just not doing this right. If you could just give me a rose, I wouldn't have to stab you. But yeah, totally normal and not crazy.

Side note, dudes love it when you tell them you're not crazy, but then run off, sobbing hysterically. #manbait


I am not stupid enough to believe that Ben came up with the barrette craft, but I am stupid enough to completely fall in love with him. Even my mother-in-law tossed her wedding ring on the ground after this. 

Rose Ceremony

After this episode, I am convinced that Ben has no control over who he chooses to keep. Ratings. We're lemmings, people.

Amanda 
Jubilee
Lauren B.
Leah
Becca
Rachel
Lace. And everyone screamed vulgarities are their tv's.
LB. And she bows out because she's too shy. Sorry, why are you on this show?
Jennifer
Twin 1
Jamie
Lauren H.
Shushanna
Twin 2
Amber. Although I don't know why. Get this girl a brush, Harrison.

The cursory "thank you so much for the opportunity" lines are exchanged.