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Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Whole 30 Tuna Salad


Meal #2 on Day 1 of Whole 30.

Ingredients:
1 - 4oz can tuna
1/4 green apple, chopped
1 celery stalk, chopped
2 leaves Romaine lettuce, chopped

Spices:
1/2 tsp Garlic powder
Salt & Pepper to taste

Chop veggies, mix with tuna & mayo. 

Place over your garden of lettuce.

Makes 1 serving (you can make a batch for the week, but I like it to be fresh each day).


Whole 30 Breakfast Scramble


Meal #1 on Day 1 of Whole 30, and I am digging it.

Ingredients:
2 scrambled eggs
Half of a medium sweet potato, cubed
1/4 of a medium onion, diced
1/2 of an apple, chopped
1/4 lb Ham steak

Spices:
1/4 tsp Garlic powder
1/4 tsp Onion powder
1/4 tsp Allspice
1/4 tsp Cayenne pepper
1/4 tsp Cinnamon
1/4 tsp Salt

Chop your veggies and fruit, and begin sautéing in 1/2 tsp of coconut oil. Cover for 5 minutes. 

Throw in your ham steak and spices for another 5 minutes, covered.

Scramble two eggs separately.

Add eggs and cook together for 2 minutes. 

Makes 1 serving.


Tuesday, July 26, 2016

The Best Damn Bachelorette Recap | Week 8

I missed last week because this show is the effing worst, but I still watched.

She's letting Luke go!?!??!?!!??! Wow. Idiot.

So, we pick back up with JoJo crying. Again.


Luke pulls a Hail Mary and grabs her to say, "I love you," and JoJo cries like a baby not knowing what to do.

She pulls herself together and sends him packing. FFS.


Suddenly, all is well because she realizes that she gets to bang three dudes this week to see which guy fits her best. This is, basically, Goldilocks and the three bears. 


Robby's Audition

Her first fantasy suite date is with Robby. Does anything special happen? No.

The note from Daddy was weird. Please take my son to your suite and let him disappoint you.




Jordan's Date

So, they head to a cave to walk around and, literally, just talk about talking about their feelings, and JoJo can't keep it in her pants. It's supposed to be all sacred and shit, but she's got a lady boner for Douchenado. For the love. Get a grip, girl.

You can, literally, see Jordan biding his time until he can get his 15 minutes of fame elsewhere. Poor Jordy just can't seem to catch a break. 


He's not bad to look at though.


Chase's Date

Chase: We're in magical Thailand, getting to explore our love for each other. 
JoJo: *at a fish market* Weird! It smells like fish.

Please tell me I hallucinated them pretending to kiss a dead, fecking fish?


JoJo: That monkey is noticing us. ...what?

Chase: It's 5 degrees of gorgeousness. << actual, real quote

JoJo: Tonight is everything. This is final audition. I hope he took his Viagra. 

Mid-bikini-shave, Robby sneaks into JoJo's room to seal his fate with JoJo just in case she was wondering where he stood.

JoJo: I am in love with Jordan, and I love Robby. Chase is a nice guy. 

At dinner, Chase solidifies is stance on their "relationship."

Chase: I love you, I wanna marry you, and I can see my life with you.
JoJo: Thank you for telling me that.
Chase: I just threw myself out there and now I'm skewered! I'm shattered! You never gave me a chance. What a waste of a night.
JoJo: I didn't mean to do this. I accidentally break up with people alllll the time, girl. I feel you.


I wasn't a fan of Chase's until this scene. Get dumped on national television, grab a beer. I like your style, buddy.

Chase: I got a fantasy suite card and got sent home. It's like pulling your pants down and getting kicked in the nuts. #ded



Rose Ceremony


JoJo walks out. Not Chase.

Robby: What does that mean?
Jordan: Something


JoJoGuys, I sent Chase home. He was mad, but GASP! There he is! I'm so shocked.

We get it, Chase. You want to be the next Bachelor.

And the world waits...
Friday, July 22, 2016

Motherhood | Guest Post

A couple of months ago, I found my Instagram wife. Every.single.post. makes me pee with laughter. It was a natural transition, forcing her to guest post for me. 

Ladies (and maybe like 3 gentleman), I give you Janey. 


Wife to a man with a chiseled jawline, mother to Brooks + Bear, sarcasm linguist, caffeine enthusiast, Occupational Therapy by day, ghost writer by night, COPS rerun marathoner by weekend. Navigating the tear filled pools of motherhood one closet scream and irreverent post at a time.

The first time I became a mother I was 19, in a marriage about as bad as Sharknado 2, and had
no prior child rearing experience beyond lovingly holding my several nieces and nephews while
secretly praising the gods above for my baby-less uterus. Needless to say, I was ill-prepared
and had no real “vision” for how the whole child-raising business would go.

This actually worked 
well to my advantage. I had no expectations of beautiful moments breastfeeding where my child would longingly gaze up at me with big brown eyes and let out sweet whimpers of gratitude, or silly dreams of cloth diapering and making all organic, vegan, GMO-free, baby food using only produce that fell off the tree within the past 24 hours. No, I actually didn’t give two horses asses whether I gave birth to the latching type of baby or the formula fed kind and let’s be real; I
bought whatever baby food was on sale at Targ. Don’t get me wrong, that first go ‘round was still
a crap storm of massive proportions, but this time, with my second child, I considered myself a
seasoned vet of newborning, so my high expectations of being June Cleaver (with Gisele’s body,
of course) the moment that sucker popped out, failed me in the most soul crushing way.

With 5 weeks as a newborn mama under my belt, I’ve found myself a greasy, sleep-deprived,
chapped-nipped, mascara-smeared mess. Every night, I say a silent prayer to every god I can
think of - the standard run-of- the-mill Christian God, Allah, Buddha (is he even a god? I’ve
never really been clear on that…) - that my child will, for once, give me a stretch of 3 hours of
sleep. THREE HOURS. I’m not even making deals with the devil for a full night’s rest; all I want
is 3 sweet, sweet, uninterrupted hours of deep, REM sleep.

How. Freaking. Pathetic. 



What happened to all the beautiful moments I had envisioned? The ones where I would wake calmly
in the night, my blonde rootless hair still in perfect waves from the day before - the day before
when I had ample time to blow dry my hair, line my eyes, and construct the perfect chic, yet
nursing friendly outfit - glide over to the bassinet where my child would be sleeping soundly,
unhook my floral nursing nightie, and softly raise my baby’s lips to my totally normal-looking
nipplem smiling as he obtained the perfect latch.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT?
And how about my bod? Why does my stomach sag like droopy puppy eyes, and my ass look
like a topographical map of the Grand Canyon? Let’s not even get started with my boobs. Why,
please tell me why, I have now mothered TWO boys who are left boob lovers only? This freak
phenomenon has left me with a lefty that looks like Pamela Anderson, and a righty that’s more
Anderson Cooper. The only thing these two breasties have in common is a love of leaking at
socially awkward times, and having nips that feel like they were shoved through a meat grinder.
I mean I guess both nips also look like they’re straight out of a National Geographic magazine
too so there’s that. Mmmmhmm,  I bet my husband just can’t wait to get his paws on me again.

BLANK STARE.


But luckily, for sleep-deprived, lopsided-boobed moms everywhere, there is hope yet. When the
nights are especially long, and the mirror is especially depressing, there is always the sweet
nectar of the gods (caffeine) to help pull us through…oh…wait… NOPE. Because as a
breastfeeding mama energy drinks and high levels of caffeine are strictly off limits. I mean, who
would even think about downing all those crazy chemicals found in energy drinks with the risk it
could pass through to your sweet new baby?

*Nervously looks side to side and sweats like a 
pubescent boy in a locker room*.

Let’s be up front about something real quick. I love caffeine. L-
O-V- E love it. Ya know when people complain about how when they drink too much caffeine they get a nervous jittery feeling, where it feels like their heart is about to beat out of their chest and they’re talking a million miles a minute? Ya that’s the feeling I want 24/7. Give me two of those, on the rocks, right now. So let me breakdown the equation of newborning for you real quick. Crying baby + No Sleep - Meth-like feeling from caffeine = What. In. The. Actual.

So why, why, do we do it? Why do we as women sacrifice our bodies, our physical and
emotional well-being, our Red Bulls for goodness sakes, to be mothers? Because, if I’ve learned
one thing in the past month of newborning and 7 years of being a mother, it’s that there is no
greater role in this world, no better use of our time, no more rewarding job than being a mom.
The love between a child and their mama is unmatched, and I would gladly trade a thousand
hours of sleep for just one second of my sweet newborn boy staring up at me like I hung the
moon. It’ll be months, maybe even over a year, before my tiny babe can talk, but yet there is no
doubt in my mind that, in those quiet hours of the night when I’m rocking him back to sleep, he’s
saying “I love you mom” again and again and again.

So for that, I would give anything, even Red Bull.


Follow Janey on Instagram to get your daily dose of sass, sarcasm, and sacrilege. You won't be disappointed. 
Thursday, July 21, 2016

12 Must-Read Books to Jumpstart Your Success



I have this team of people who are just completely kick-ass. We work together, we play together, we encourage either, we treat each other to goodies, we spend time together, and we learn together. 

You can't pour from an empty cup. - unknown

Here's the thing about personal development and why it's important. It's easy to get caught up in wiping baby asses, making dinners, and picking up those damn Legos without doing a single thing to improve you. You could go an entire week without doing a single thing that fills your cup up. Taking the time to work on you gives you the ability to do the 49873975 things that you have on your plate.

You don't have time to hold an actual book and read? No one cares. Ever hear of Audible? Download it. 

I swear to you every time I read one of these books things jump out at me that I never thought would make a difference in how I conduct business. I take notes, I highlight, I share, I change and grow, and that all means I lead better. 

Do you have a team of people you are leading? You are their leader. They follow you, they love you, they learn from you, they do what you do. Don't you have a responsibility to better yourself?

#micdrop
Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Camping 202 | Red Feather Lakes

This should have been the camping trip to end all future camping trips. It is clear now that am a masochist.



***
This post is sponsored by Little Uptown Kids. You'll obvi want these tees once you see them, so you can just go and shop here now. 

Our second camping trip of the season began as all the others have: with screaming, crying, yelling, threatening, fries strewn about the car, a raised hand, tears, and earbuds. Yes, Josh wore earbuds while I endured. Sometimes you have to check out while your spouse takes one for the team.


In true Jax form, he's already over it. #middlechild

video

You guys. I'm not kidding you when I say it rains every damn time we arrive to camp. It drizzles as we pull in, we open the back of the car, and it's a race to see how fast we can erect these pop-up tents and take cover. I say "we," but let's be honest. I'm sitting in the car while I watch these mofos run around like crazy people.



But then, the rain moves on, and we are left to secure our tents and begin exploring our home for the next two days.





As good as it's gonna get with these three.



Yeah, you know you need this shirt too. This kid gathers tinder like a BOSS.


Yes, they are indeed eating mini peppers around the campfire.



Let's get to the Jett stories. You've been waiting. Believe me, he delivered. As we headed into mountain country, the hills had us captivated. Green space like you wouldn't believe. I kept telling Josh that I was envisioning Heidi yodeling in the hills. It was beautiful. Jett had other plans that included hitting, throwing, hair-pulling, screaming, and crying. As I ooh'd and ahh'd over this amazing plantation out my window, Josh jerked the car into its driveway and threw it in park. There was more crying and more yelling, but as soon as we were back on the road, Jett had closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep. It worked.

The pictures you see above is the first timeout at camp. He was probably being a jerk. Shocking, I know.


If you noticed in the video, Maddie's very precious American Girl Doll was stuck in the boys' tractor and did not make it into the tent on time. Maddie was devastated. What may seem creepy AF to you just makes my heart swell with pride as my man roasts this doll's ass so that his daughter can snuggle her baby again later. 


We moved on to rice cakes.



And this one. You need this one too.


Y'all think we're batshit to camp with these little mofos, but look at that. Peace and serenity mixed with a little screaming never killed anybody.


I know. We're looking into him becoming a Gap model.


If screaming, crying, threatening, bargaining, timeouts, bribery, and general bitchiness haven't put you off, this will be your cake topper.


The night was hairy. Real damn hairy. My favorite moment during camping is when all three buttholes kids are in bed, snoring softly, and we are parked in front of the campfire. There is nothing like the smell and crackle of a campfire, surrounded by a trillion stars. The deafening silence is all a mother could ask for.

But then we made the mistake of going to bed. We laid down on our lovely, firm air mattress and spooned. The gentle wind rustling was the perfect white noise to drift off into dreamland. Just as I was beginning the twitching, I noticed that my ass was hitting something hard and cold. We were sinking. Our air mattress had a slow leak, and our asses were now on the ground. It was only 11:30pm. I was screwed. By 12:30am, I had given up on sleeping. I decided to write, then I realized my phone was dead, so I couldn't write. I decided to read, but couldn't muster the fortitude to get out of the tent and get my book. 

Maddie woke up and moved to our now-deflated mattress. I slid inside her sleeping bag to siphon heat snuggle and we slept fitfully until 6:30am when the hellions woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. 


You know how Jason Aldean doesn't do lonely well? We don't do mornings well.


And then this shit show. The wind was angry that day, my friends (if you don't know that Seinfeld reference, just leave now). It began trying to blow our tent away around 4am and didn't let up. As a result, no fire could be maintained. Even the stove that our blessed friends lent us was struggling to stay lit. Coffee is everything when you have three kids and you just slept on the cold ground for three whole hours. The thing about us is that we are resourceful and determined when coffee is on the line.

We maintained this stance for an hour before deciding that we were over it. The clouds were dark, the coffee was just tepid water with a few grounds in it and the kids needed breakfast as noted below.






Yeah, it goes everywhere with us. I mean, we're peeing in the woods and the kids are, literally, rolling around in the dirt. Thieves cleans all things.


One would figure that after this ridiculous experience that we would admit defeat and congratulate ourselves on doing as much as we have done. And yet, I found myself laying in the tent on a flaccid air mattress, thinking, "In spite of all of this, I would do it all again next week." 

But we drive past scenes like this, and the weeping and gnashing of teeth were totally worth it.
Friday, July 15, 2016

The Best Damn Bachelorette Recap | Week 6

JoJo: This week is going to be HUGE.

False. I want my money back.



Date with Alex

Good news, guys. The whiny bitch baby gets a one-on-one with JoJo. I know that I love when guys are super needy and clingy.

JoJo: I feel like I'm spending time with my brother. I just don't want to do him.
Welcome to the friend zone, sho'ty.

JoJo: You are killing the gaucho thing. Translation: get the f*** outta here.


Like, I can't take any of this shit seriously. They look like they belong in a Disney movie.

She's way more into this horse than Alex. At least the horse is tall.

JoJo: I'm so glad I had this one-on-one with Alex because I needed to feel that connection with him and there just so isn't any connection. 

Why are we watching a man make sweet, gentle love to a horse? Is beastiality legal now? Though ABC, if you're reading this, Bach next season should maybe be a man choosing an animal soulmate. That would be more intriguing than this boring-ass shit.

Alex: I think I'm falling in love with you. No, I'm falling in love with you. I fell in love with you when I saw you.

JoJo: How do I break this to you gently? There is nothing about you that makes me want you to slam me up against a dryer. I'd rather do laundry.

I love he's so confused. Like, there's no rose so he thought he was safe. 


Date with Jordan

Could Jordan have put less energy into his outfit? Are you going swimming?

So,we're drinking grape feet juice? This has the potential to be sexy AF, and then, just no.

Jordan is so good at this.

Jordan: I want you to meet my Mama.
JoJo: 

The date card arrives and the boys are near tears as the names are read.

Chase: What does she want to do with Luke on a one-on-one that she doesn't to do with me? 

Sex stuff.


This date is all about poor, beautiful, handsome, charming Jordan and how he's not good enough because his brother is Aaron Rodgers. And woe is him, they never talk to each other.

Can you say red flag? 

JoJo: I feel so loved right now.

Ok, never mind. Carry on, dipshit.


Group Date

I shouldn't be turned on by James Taylor shoving an entire plateful of fries into his mouth, but if I'm honest, I'm not. That was foul.

James Taylor: These guys have nothing on me. I'm 'bout to get a rose.

Then we play guess which Bachelor I am.

I defy you to find another date when someone gave less shits than JoJo gives on this date. That is, until Robby runs down the hall in his underwear and moons them. I'm sorry, are we in college?

Now we're piled on the bed watching Brazilian Bachelor? Omg. Pull the plug.

Robby: We broke up like last week, but I'm so committed. Totally ready. Totally over it. I met her mom like once. I'm way past it all.

JoJo: Ok, you seem super sincere.

Chase. Meh.

JT: Are you into me?

JoJo: No, not at all, but I always date douche bags and I should probably date you because you are nice and kind, and you probably won't hit me.

She, literally, just sits there as JT kisses on her face. I vommed.

JoJo: I'm only giving this rose out because I have to. 


Date with Luke


If we're honest with ourselves, JoJo just wants to bang Luke. He has this sensitive bad boy thing going on that isn't not hot.


Rose Ceremony

JoJo: Without further ado, IDGAF about who gets these roses.

And the entire world is shocked when there is no twist and the boring AF guys go home.


Thursday, July 14, 2016

Bedtime Business + Bookroo



I grew up loving books. A lot. I got it from my Mom. She showed me how to get lost in another world. It was always one of my favorite ways to pass the time besides annoying my little sister.

A new study by the American Academy of Pediatrics shows that reading daily to young children, starting in infancy, can help with language acquisition and literacy skills.



No surprise, our kid's rooms are stuffed with books. Book baskets, book shelves, book stacks. We love books. We love spending time meandering libraries to find new books to fall in love with.



When I was approached by Jane from Bookroo, I was soooo excited! The very reason Bookroo came to life is to enable and empower parents to build their children's book collections in an affordable and exciting way through curated monthly book deliveries. We believe in the power and impact of the written word in the life of a child, and believe it’s never too early to start reading to children!



What! Sold! So, what is Bookroo? Bookroo is a monthly membership to begin building a strong library for your little ones. Depending on the age of your kids, you can choose a box of 3 picture board books or a book of 2 picture books. Since we have Mads, we chose two picture books, which everyone can enjoy.



Bedtime business is always punctuated with books to settle us down and help us drift off to sleep, and I love that I get to incorporate such an amazing company into our daily routines.


I know, I know. How do you get started? Ok, here you go. Visit Bookroo and choose your book options and a monthly plan. Bookroo has extended ALB readers a promo code for a 3rd box FREE with the code: LEBEAU.


And! To stay current on new books and new offers, follow Bookroo on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter!