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Sunday, August 21, 2016

The Best Damn Bachelor in Paradise Recap | Week 3 Part 2


Ashley cried.



The end.
Friday, August 19, 2016

The Best Damn Bachelor in Paradise Recap | Week 3 Part 1


If I have to watch Josh and Amanda lick each other's tongues one.more.time.

Evan gives a "check yes or no" card to Amanda while she is licking Josh's throat, and he pulls her away to see if anyone will give him a rose.

Evan: I totally came here for you.
Amanda: Thank you. Josh and I were having sex, so...
Evan:
 

While Josh awaits his ho, he makes love to some cheese pizza.


Weenie little Evan decides to start shit and tells Amanda that Josh is going to beat her.

Amanda: I'm just kinda bummed out about this.


Rose Ceremony

What the hell world is this where I am HOPING that Nick stays?! Why am I rooting for this douche?

Lace chooses Grant
Izzy chooses Vinny
Emily chooses Jared
Amanda chooses Josh. Their relationship is so deep.
Sarah chooses Daniel. Is anyone buying his bullshit?
Carly...chooses...Evan. And he realizes that are totally in love and he's ready to introduce his spawn to her.
Hailey chooses Nick and ditches the asshole we've never heard of.

In walks one of the most annoying people on the planet, Caila. Evan pounces because no one loves him and he's desperate. But no one wants him, so she makes her way through the group.

Emily: Caila is perfect and that makes her condescending. Did I use that word right?

In the least shocking move ever, Caila asks Jared on a date, and I actually think they might be perfect for each other. It's like Tigger meeting Tiggette.

Then, in the most mean girl move ever, Jared & Caila come back from their date, and tell Emily how amazing and perfect it was. 

Emily: She's a little too perfect, but I guess that's what Jared wants.

Yeah, weird that he would choose a beautiful girl who isn't a complete airhead with plastic boobs. Crazy.

I felt bad for Emily for .4 seconds, and then realized that she's a hot blonde with big boobs, so, I got the f over that.

This 4-way date with Grant, Lace, Izzy & Vinny is weird. 

Lace: We're the best couples ever. 
Izzy: We're exclusive. He's not going to date anyone else.

I'm guessing this is an omen.

This bar seems like a perfect place to have meaningful relationship. I knew my husband was right for me when we got lost in a foam mosh pit in a bar. #truelove

Evan fakes a medical emergency because he's feeling sorry for himself. Ugh. The flamboyant ones are the worst.

Why is everyone obsessed with Amanda? Her Goldie Hawn lips and that nasally voice are just too much for me. Is it just that thing that guys don't care about the brain? I guess intelligent conversations are overrated. 

In walks the train wreck that is Ashley I.

Bachelor must give their contestants free lip injections. Yeah, that has to be it.
Sunday, August 14, 2016

The Best Damn Bachelor in Paradise Recap | Week 2, Part 1

We open on Chad's Hulk rage, as he tells Chris Harrison to F off, and says he's going to Tijuana. He also lets slip that he will, now, never be able to be the Bachelor.


Personally, I would watch that show so hard, but whatever, ABC.

Leah is back and acting all peachy. One of the twins predicts a tornado of drama. I, seri, can't wait. She walks in with a date card, looking for the proteinaholic.


Everybody Loves Nick

Possibly my favorite Nick line of all-time: Just in fairness alone, I would like to get to know Leah from a sexual chemistry standpoint.

So, Nick & Leah go on a date and she is practically asking him to rape her in the streets.


Nick: Thanks for asking me on this date.
Leah: Thanks for coming.
I'm burning with passion, guys.

She gets jealy when Amanda when takes him out and makes out with him. Relax. It's just a giant orgy - paradise is not where you find your soulmate.


Carly & Evan

Oh, Evan. Evan, Evan. He has, obviously, roofied Carly's drink because she somehow wants him.

So, they finally kiss because Carly makes the man move.


Evan's monologue screams: Am I convincing you I'm straight yet? 

And Carly: My uncle kisses better than Evan.



Lace & Grant

Just...the moaning. I, legit, got sick.


Last Ditch Efforts

I love the hour leading up to the rose ceremony. Everyone kisses everyone in an effort to secure at least one rose. 

Vinny kisses Sarah and Izzy just in case.
Sarah: Vinny is just such an amazing guy.


Leah: I have a lot of the qualities you are looking for. 
Nick: I appreciate what you're saying, but no.


Rose Ceremony

Grant & Lace
Nick & Amanda
Evan & Carly: Let's see where this goes...maybe a threeway with Chad or whatever...I don't know...
Jared & Emily & Haley - gag
Vinny & Izzy: But obviously because their kiss was the tonguiest.
Daniel & Sarah

And this. This was actually pretty cute, but he's such a douche canoe that I can't.


Enter The Josh

And all the girls drop their roses and swoon.

Perhaps they should pick up a copy of Andi Dorfman's book


What people didn’t know was after two shows, I had become a twenty-seven-year-old woman who walked on eggshells in her own home. What they didn’t know is I was trapped with someone who, in my opinion, often behaved like an emotional abuser. Yes, I said it, and I’m not taking it back. He was good-looking, with an electric smile and the ability to charm anyone, and his affection in public made people believe that he was a loving partner, but by the end of our relationship, it was just a mask covering the control he exerted in private. He had an uncanny way of manipulating situations and conversations to make me feel like the worst person in the world. In his own words, I was not only selfish and unappreciative, but the “most miserable person he’d ever met.” If we didn’t get invited to a red-carpet event, he’d say it was “because of my actions with Number Twenty-Five [Nick Viall].” If I talked to another man, I was a “whore.” If I disagreed, I was “argumentative.” If I defied him, I was a “bitch.”

Amanda: So, you were engaged...
Josh: I was. We just had different values. I wanted to beat her and threaten her, and she didn't like that.
Amanda: You poor thing. That must be so terrible.


Other Inane Bullshit

Emily: Jared and I have so much in common.
Emily: What's your favorite color?
Jared: Blue.
Emily: NO WAY! Me too!
Emily: What are you thinking about?
Jared: ...paradise.

Followed by the mercy kiss.

Nick: I don't know if you know, but I'm into Amanda.
Josh: Yeah, I'm just here to find love. It's all in God's hands.
Nick: I've never see anyone be so unapologetic about being an asshole.
In what alternative universe have we entered? How am I #teamnick?!

To be continued...
Saturday, August 6, 2016

The Best Damn Bachelor in Paradise Recap | Week 1

My favorite part of this picture is Evan's shirt. Do NOT take your shirt off. We want people to watch this, not commit suicide.

Y'all roped me in. I'm in this for the absolute shit-show that is Hurricane Chad. My inbox is flooded with messages about what a complete and total train wreck he is, so naturally, I was intrigued. 

We are forced to deal with a long string of intros, as if we don't know who these people are. They are has-beens who can't actually meet people in real life and have meaningful relationships. BIP is basically Castaway for the rejects.

Whiny, nasally Amanda is back. Way to show your girls how to be a responsible adult. And can we talk about the Goldie Hawn lips?

Do you know what I hate the most about this season? I am painfully attracted to Nick Vile. I used the correct spelling.


If only he could keep his damn mouth shut. 

CreepO Evan is back. Hope you brought your little blue pills...so that you can use them for your alone time because no one wants to bang you.

Batshit JuJuBee. Ugh.

Carly is ready to find another douche bag.

Daniel's intro is the best. These girls are dogs. I need to drink myself blind to hit any of it. 

Something more succulent and juicy. I threw up in my mouth.

The dumbest twins in the world are back. Daniel Jr. suddenly perked up.

Izzy. Does anyone remember her?

Crazy Lace. I can't believe she's not crying yet.


V for Vendetta is back. 

E.D. really doesn't want to see Chad, but I think what he's actually saying is, I'm super gay for him and I hope I can get some alone time with him.

Enter: The Chad.


Guys, I legit have butterflies. This is going to be such a disaster.

E.D.: Chad makes me really nervous because I just want him in the gay way.


The first romance kicks off nearly immediately. Forget the hot girls up on the beach, let's just dude it up down here.

Chad to Harrison: I'm just really ready to find love.
Chad to Brosef: Let's stack the twins on top of each other and have a foursome.

Chace

Something about being half-naked in Mexico makes you do stupid stuff, like make out with the craziest person on the entire continent.

Dwight Schrute -  I think they both could do better.

Cops already need to be called because they are already beating the shit out of each other, but like sex fighting. Like, they're grinding while slapping each other. This has happily ever after written all over it. 

During all of this sexual abuse, Jared and Ju are on a creepy date where a terrifying clown jumps out. OMG, you guys. Jared is so into this. 


Meanwhile...Nick can't even bother to flirt because the greatest show on television has recommenced. 

Chad I will tie you under a bus with duct tape and make sure you smell like peppermint.

After being called a bitch 895347957 times, this is the final straw for Lace. She can only dish out the insults and being murdered isn't her thing.

And just like that, their romance is over. Britney Spears would be proud.

The protein has gotten to Hurricane Chad and he's on this creepy murderous rampage:

I'll murder everyone here..I’ll build them into a bottle!

I'll kill your children and eat your families!

Sarah: I didn't come here to be verbally abused by a douche bag. *Lace quickly slips out of Paradise*

Sarah gets pissed and gets completely trashed on national television trying to take The Chad down: F that one-armed bitch.

The Morning After

Was the 2 straight minutes of Chad snoring necessary? Are we really that strapped for material, ABC?

If you are so blasted that you shit yourself, please leave your email in the comments. I need to be friends with you.

Harrison: Why am I here, Chad?
Chad: Because you can't get a real job.
Harrison: You told everyone at this hotel suck a d***.


Since when did they make Harrison the heavy?

Chad goes into a Hulk rage, and everything makes him mad.

Where are there so any crabs everywhere? F*** you, crabs.

I have nothing. F*** you, Chris Harrison. Come at me. 

In a crazy twist, Chad has made both Lace & Nick seem far less crazy.

Have I mentioned that I love this show?
Friday, August 5, 2016

Whole 30 Banana + Almond Butter Muffins


If I'm honest, I had 2 of these and the kids ate the rest. I liked what I ate...


Ingredients:
1 cup almond butter
2 ripe bananas
2 large eggs
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp baking soda

Pre-heat oven to 400 degrees.

Combine ingredients.


Blend in your blender, obviously.

Grease muffin tin with coconut oil cooking spray.

Pour batter into muffin tins.


Cook for 12-15 minutes (muffins should be fluffy all of the way through and should not sink or settle).

Then, hide them from your kids.

Whole 30 Chicken Fingers + Ranch


I won't make chicken fingers any other way. The taste is unbeatable!

Chicken Finger Ingredients:
1 lb chicken tenderloins
1/2 coconut flour
1/2 almond flour
2 eggs
1/2 cashew milk
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp salt

Preheat oven to 350. 

Grab 3 bowls. Add your coconut flour to the first bowl, 2 eggs and cashew milk to the second, and the almond flour, garlic powder and salt to the third. Make an assembly line of sorts for your tenderloins.

Completely cover each tenderloin with coconut flour, then the egg mixture, and finally, your almond flour mix. Place on a cookie sheet that has been greased with coconut oil spray (or whatever you want). 

Cook on one side for 10 minutes, then flip for another 5. Tenderloins will be golden brown, but not crispy. 

Makes 2 servings.

Ranch Ingredients:
1 c Primal Kitchen Avocado Oil Mayo or homemade mayo
1 c coconut milk
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp onion powder
2 Tbps dried parsley
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper

Mix. Dip. Duh.
Wednesday, August 3, 2016

The Best Damn Bachelorette Finale Recap

It's here. We made. I feel such a sense of relief.


We are down to the final two, the Asshole or Eyeballs, in the most romantic place in the world: Phuket. Never a more fitting place for the finale episode.


Jordan Meets the Family


I, seri, got giddy thinking about seeing Mama JoJo (aka my spirit animal) again. Is it too much to hope she drinks straight from a wine bottle again?

She's begging Jordan to insult her. Mama JoJo likes it rough.

Mama JoJo: Please don't cheat on her, mmmkay?
Jordan: Let me let this awkward pause linger so that you aren't sure what I'm going to say.

Mama JoJo: This is going to end in disaster.
JoJo: No, you're wrong.
Mama JoJo: Oh, ok. Never mind.

This may be the worst meet the parents episode ever. Everyone can see the handwriting on the wall, and they were like, kthxbye.


Robby Meets the Parents


I don't know how I missed it, but his eyeballs. They are just very open.

Personalized wine bottle. Mama JoJo picks him.


Family Meeting

Family: He's actually in love with you. Jordan is in love with himself. 

Brother JoJo: You're not picking a NYE date. You're picking a life partner.

JoJo: So, but tell me all the things that are wrong with Robby.

Robby: Dr. JoJo, yada yada yada, will you adopt me? 

Mama JoJo: Jordan didn't even ask if he could marry you.

JoJo: Shut up, Mom. You're stupid.


Date with Robby


Robby: I want to sit on the couch while you burn meatloaf with your little shits running around in the background.

JoJo: Shit. I think he may propose.

He actually loves her, and she likes guys who are assholes who are in love with themselves.

Robby: It's just her and I looking into each other's eyes with an entire film crew, hair & makeup artists, cue card holder, camera men, and Chris Harrison. We are secluded with these 35 other people. It's just so romantic.

Is it me or have these bitches become worse and worse at faking the audience out on who they are going to pick? 


Date with Jordan


JoJo: Did you ask my dad to marry me? 
Jordan: No. I DRGAF. You have to give me something before I bother.
JoJo: OMG. You love me so much.
Jordan: Meh, we'll see what happens. The ball is in your court. 
JoJo: You're the winner, ok? You win. I've been telling you this whole time.

The narcissism in him is amazing. He manipulates her all night, strings her along, and she thanks him when he leaves. 


So, he asks the parents, they say yes because they are just ready for this shit to be over.

He picks the ring with as much emotion as I have when I pick out broccoli. Whereas, Robby can't stop smiling and picks out a ring "that describes my love for JoJo." WTF ever that means. Neil should have been like, dude. Don't bother.

I, literally, threw up on my keyboard as they read Jordan's letter out loud. If you look up the definition of bullshit in the dictionary, there is a picture of this letter.

JoJo: This is what I'm supposed to want to hear, but Robby is just my bff. Omg. I need a paper bag.

The Breakup/Proposal

Wait. Why are the Cowboys' Cheerleaders there? 

Cue: the limo, the loser, and the proposal that turns into a breakup. I've come to realize that the point of this show is national humiliation.


JoJo: I WANTED IT TO BE YOU. I HAD NO CHOICE.

JoJo: My heart is broken. 

...Wait. Now this is the best day of my life!!


I give it 3 months.
Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Whole 30 Pico de Gallo with Lime Vitality


I could buy pre-made, but why. This is so much better.

Ingredients:
3 tomatoes chopped
1 onion chopped
cilantro
8 drops Lime Vitality Oil

Mix. Serve. Duh.

How do you get a Lime Vitality Oil? I know a guy.