Monday, June 30, 2014

Everything I've Learned I Learned from Kelly Kapowski

I can guarantee that the worst sound in the world to my parents while I was growing up was that alarm bell that began blaring to announce an hour of Saved by the Bell. Back in my day, we didn't have this newfangled Netflix with no commercials. You had to watch whatever crap was on TV for hours until it was time for the show you really wanted, which, for me, was SBTB. I wanted to be Kelly (confession: I made my mom call me Kelly as a kid. I wish I were joking), and I wanted Zack Morris. That bleached-blond pompadour coupled with pleated acid wash jeans really did it for me.

Kelly was popular, gorgeous, sweet, and ditzy. Everything every girl wanted to be. If you don't know who Kelly is, get off of this blog. This show shaped my childhood. This is serious business. Kelly was my idol and with good reason.

I have no doubt that it thrilled my parents to no end that their 9-year-old daughter wanted to wear skin-tight acid wash jeans with a bedazzled bustier. But if we learned anything from Kelly's style it's that it is always appropriate, day or night, to let our bras hang out. As long as they were covered in rhinestones. 

And then, the floral dresses & pants. Feminine and cute. Irony: these are back. My sister's current profile picture is in a skin-tight floral dress. Crazy how this stuff comes back around. Kelly knew.

No hope with dope.
My parents may have believed this was a stupid, worthless show, but we learned crucial life lessons thanks to these kids.

Friends forever.
If you're down,
I'll pick you up,
I'll never let you fall.
If you ever need someone,
I'm waiting for your call.

We'll be friends forever,
We'll be friends,
Talkin' 'bout friends..
Always will be there,
Will be there. Will be there.


I remember the night Saved by the Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas premiered. I plopped myself in my parent's room & smiled from ear to ear. It was the moment we had been waiting for for 10 years. High school sweehearts, Zack & Kelly, were finally getting married. I laughed, I cried. It was epic. She married her best friend. All was right in the world.

Friday, June 27, 2014

The Instagram Curse

This morning has been one of those mornings. You don't see the photos of these mornings on Instagram with an ethereal filter. These mornings are fueled by Starbucks. These mornings are sticky, smelly, grumpy, whiney, loud, & exhausting. After finally getting the boys to sleep after, literally, hours of nursing back & forth, I walked into our room, where my husband was just emerging from his sleep (as I type this, it is currently 11:46am), I announced that I was "quitting motherhood."

What you can't hear is Jett crying, the sound machine blaring, Pocahontas singing, & Maddie yelling, "Hey, Mama?" from her bedroom every 30 seconds.

For the past 3 hours, I have made breakfast, nursed, changed diapers, nursed, watched The Croods, nursed, watched Pocahontas (after successfully talking her out of Frozen), nursed, dressed Maddie in a princess dress, nursed, dressed her in a new shirt, finally peed, rocked Jett on the nursing pillow while simultaneously bouncing Jax in the bouncer on the floor with my foot. Did I mention that I nursed the boys? I'm actually nursing Jett while I type this. #multitasker

Just as Jett finally fell asleep (although, I have no idea how he can sleep when his sister is stomping through the house like Godzilla & yelling, "Hey, Mama!" every 15 seconds), Jax woke up. I rocked him back to sleep on the couch, and finally laid half down/half up & found a blog to read on my phone while Pocahontas crooned about painting colors of the wind (what the hell does that even mean!?).

I find myself going to Kelle Hampton's blog when I need a more fairy tale view of motherhood. If you follow her on social media at all, you know that her life seems perfect. It's not, but it appears that way. She wrote a post back in April & referred to a similar post, "I'm Done Making My Kid's Childhood Magical." The idea being that childhood is already magical & there is no need to go crazy with Pinterest parties, Pinterest crafts, & the token Instagram photos to prove what wonderful mothers we are. I, like Kelle, found myself wanting to defend the elaborate parties, invitations, and "isn't-motherhood-perfect" Instagrams. I am one of the worst offenders when it comes to this, but I justify it by saying that I want to create a magical day for my kid. And I truly do. I want to go all-out with birthdays. I want my kids to know that the day they were born was a hugely special day. However, this article was such a great reminder in the midst of infant twins, sore nipples, a hyper almost-4-year-old, a Lanolin-stained nursing tank, & day 3 of a messy bun, that while I think I suck as a mom, these kids (well, the twins eventually) will have a magical childhood simply because they are kids. Pinterest didn't suddenly make childhood, birthdays & summers fun - they just are because being a kid is fun. (Swapping out a twin to nurse the other twin).

This is the year of letting myself off the hook. Every time I have an "I'm-failing-as-a-mom" moment, I am forcing myself to say "you are a great mom." I'm not a great mom because of the elaborate parties I put together. I'm not a great mom because of the photo books I make for the kids. I'm a great mom because I take care of them everyday. I wipe boogers, I wipe butts, I wipe foreheads. So, maybe I have moments where I could have done better. We all have those. But dammit, I'm a great mom. And you know what I'm going to do right now? Put deodorant on, finally, and eat some fattening Del Taco because eating a salad doesn't sound like fun right now. And that's ok. We'll eat our balanced meal another day.

What does your house look like this morning (err afternoon)? Can you top mine? Send me your pics. Let's have a contest to see who has the nastiest-looking house. If it's littered with kid things, you're doing it right. Magical childhoods are messy.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

The Bach | Week 6 Recap

I truly believe that this might be the dumbest show on television. Although, I did see an ad for "I Wanna Marry Harry," and actually felt superior to those who watch that. Yes, I'm judging YOU.

This week we're in Venice. I have been to Venice. I don't know how much making out I'd want to do when you are dodging flying pigeons and their flying poop of death. I don't know that I agree with Andi that this is the most romantic city in the world. Beautiful, yes, but again, pigeon poop doesn't inspire romance, in my humble opinion. Then...they proceed to "play" with said pigeons. Gross. #handsanitizeranyone

I just threw up in my mouth a little. And washed my hands again.

I had much more respect for her during Pabs' season. I thought she had guts. She finally told this guy off, and we fell in love with her. Now...she seems weak and silly. I realize that she doesn't see everything that we see, but for the love. These guys are so transparent. They are pulling the wool over your eyes, girl. It's just not that difficult to see that. Part of me is convinced that this is acting & not reality. Saying that makes me sound so stupid, but good grief.

Side note: why are these lavish meals prepared and no one ever eats?! I would rather eat than have this painful conversations with these guys. At least my mouth would be occupied so I wouldn't have to make conversation. Andi, good food is going to waste. This is the real tragedy.

I mean, really? He's obviously hiding something. And she kept him. Every other guy was able to let it slide, but he freaks about the lie detector test. "I feel like you don't trust me." She doesn't know you. She's known you for 6 weeks, and mostly, only sees you in group settings. Why would she trust you? You could have 6 wives at home, dude. You could have a 3rd nipple Consider yourself lucky, dude. You should have been sent packin'.

Way to back peddle. She bought it. This is followed by the most insincere "I'm falling in love with you" I have ever seen. Too bad he wasn't hooked up to the lie detector test when he said that.

Oh, man. Watching him yammer on & on about how much she means to him, & how he feels about her...awkward. Pretty crappy that we had to watch that whole scene before she finally cut him off & told him she respects him too much to give him a rose. Painful.

Hey Muscles, did you see her face? Use facial cues as a clue for when to stop professing your love. She looked like she was constipated. These types of faces are social cues telling you that she is not interested.


What the heck? He was sick from the lie detector test, and then there was no follow-up? Weird.

I will admit that the secret admirer thing was kind of cute. Him joshin' around with the guys about who it could be was hilarious. And kudos to Chris for telling JJ (aka pantsapreneur...WTF!) to calm the heck down.

"I'm getting really sick of being happy for the other guys when they get a rose." Ok. Sorry? It's called being a decent human being, Pantsy. It's making an awkward, irritating situation less awkward & irritating. You acting like a d.b. does not help the situation. And honey, did you really think you were going to get a rose? Nah.

If I have to see your tongue one more time, I'm going to lose my shiitake mushrooms. Disgusting.

Have you ever fart in public? 
I was dying. The tester's face was priceless. He was legitimately annoyed at these guys. Sorry, sir. In 'Merica, farting is hilarious. And when your Italian "fought" sounds like "fart," we're going to get the giggles.

What did you think? Who do you think she will choose? What adjective will Chris Harrison use to describe the final rose ceremony this season? Dramatic? Romantic? Breathtaking? We're running out of those adjectives. I'd love to hear him use something like "...the most sweaty final rose ceremony." Or something like that.


Wednesday, June 18, 2014

The Bachelorette Week 5 | Recap

I don't know about you, but this season of The Bachelorette is excruciatingly painful to get through. I find myself using my phone during the boring scenes, which is a lot of the time.

After Monday's episode, I was quite underwhelmed. For me, I don't see a front runner. And honestly, if I were Andi, I'd feel jipped. Like I said before, I have not tired of hot people falling in love.

The miming? Really? As annoying as Nick's attitude was, I would be making disgusted faces as well. I swear they try to make these guys look like monkeys for our entertainment. I had this thought as I was watching this episode, and then, realized that watching a show while a bunch of guys sit on the couch, eat chips, and play video games would be a very boring show. Therefore, we watch them mime.

My one thought about Cody is that I could never date a personal trainer because I need a guy who won't judge me too harshly for inhaling a container of Oreos in one sitting.

Marquel. Hmm. I was confused by that whole debacle. And what was with the crying??

I think Andi is right with her intuition: Josh is a playa.

Brian. Oh, Brian. That was actually physically painful to watch. Make a joke, touch her arm, talk about the weather, for crying out loud. Just.Say.Something. So, you're not comfortable in the kitchen? Big deal. My husband makes soup & pretends he has a cooking show. Make fun of the fact that you suck in the kitchen. And for the love, you had to chop vegetables for a salad.

The rose ceremony wasn't shocking at all. There are some seriously forgettable dudes here. ABC, what gives? Trying to downplay the crazy this season?
Monday, June 16, 2014

Black Circles

This is one of those rare moments where both the Twinkies & Maddie are either sleeping or occupied. Before I sat down to type this, the house looked like this:

This week has been one of the longest. I spent the greater part of the week hanging out with my mom, taking care of Twinkies, power watching Revenge (ermahgerd! such a good show!). As the week closed out, I was tired, but I wasn't miserable. We had gotten into a good routine with the boys, Maddie was as happy as a threenager can be, and I was feeling ok. Then, the weekend hit. I woke up freezing cold. Like to the bone. I layered up, encroached on Josh's side of the bed, and proceeded to shiver from 3am to 6am. I woke up to fetch whichever of the litter was crying, only to realize I was so dizzy. I quickly laid down and fed one of the twins. A couple of hours later, I woke Josh & told him I couldn't hold the babies because I was so dizzy I thought I would drop one of them. My mom came in & scooped the boys up, and I texted Dr. P. He said to head straight to the ER. After 5 hours of blood work, peeing in cups, and CT scans, they thought I had a kidney infection. The bad part was the blood pressure. It was somewhere between dead & barely dead, so they shipped me by ambulance to MCR. Again. 

More of the same while I was in the hospital. I spent my time either sleeping or shivering violently. I had some of the worst care I have ever received while I was there. Even Mr. CalmCoolCollected was losing his shiitake mushrooms over the lack of communication, lack of concern, and lack of care by the nurses and Doogie Howser.

After 24 hours of observation, 5 bags of saline for dehydration (feeding twins apparently sucked all of the moisture out of my body), and antibiotics for what some thought was a kidney infection, I was sent home. Fast forward (I typed fart and laughed #sleepdeprived) a couple of hours. I could literally feel the heat radiating off my face, took my temp & it was back up to 103.1. Another couple of texts & calls with Dr. P, and we headed back to the hospital. BUT. I knew what it was. Mastitis. No one had thought to ask or check, and bam. I googled it, diagnosed myself, and the ER doc confirmed it. 

I've been home a couple of days now, and I'm wiped. I feel better than death, but worse than I care to feel. The boys have hit their 6 week growth spurt and were up every 2 hours last night. I have never smelled as bad or looked as rode hard & put away wet as I did today. I will spare you a picture because my face will give you nightmares. 

You know when you're so tired that every fiber of your being hurts and everyone irritates you? Like, their face makes you angry? Well, that was my poor husband today. He let me take a nap, and I still felt like punching him. Remember that stupid counseling game that Jim & Pam played in Season 9? "I acknowledge & appreciate your sacrifice..." Well, I made him play that game with me after I finally showered tonight. Honey, I acknowledge & appreciate feeding the boys with me at 1am, and then letting me nap after you got up. I acknowledge that I was a raging bish today. I appreciate you putting up with me. 

I leave you with pictures of the litter today. All sleeping or joyful while I smelled like a farm animal. Rude.

A huge thank you to our moms who stayed with the boys while we spent countless hours at the hospital. We know it's hard, but we ACKNOWLEDGE & APPRECIATE your sacrifice. We can never thank you enough. And to Josh's stepdad for taking care of our girl while life was upside down yet again. We love you all!

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Twinkies, Thunder Thighs & The Bachelorette

I have missed this blinking cursor on this clean sheet of e-paper. I have, however, been slightly preoccupied with keeping two tiny humans alive. The upside to being trapped in the house for most of the day is that I can catch up on shows I love to watch, as well as the ones I love to watch to hate (i.e. The Bachelor franchise).

First, I will start with the boys. They are really doing great. I successfully dressed them & took them BY MYSELF to their circ appointments with our new ped the other day. I had done my hair, dressed like a girl, and BATHED. I was pretty chuffed with myself until the end of the appointment. I was dripping sweat, half dressed, and both of the boys were crying. Thankfully, Starbucks is just down the street, so that sweet, green lady saved my mood. This was supposed to be about them... Both are growing, eating really well, and best of all, sleeping great! I am actually getting about 8 hours of sleep (total) every night with TWIN NEWBORNS. I consider this an incredible feat. #supermom

Secondly, I was under the impression that giving birth to 10 pounds of babies, and placentas, and apparently, and a blood bath that rivaled a scene from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, would entitle me to a dramatic weight loss. Let me enlighten you: it does not. I have lost 22 of the 35 I gained. Good, right? However, let me give you a word of advice: do not try on your skinny jeans just 2 weeks postpartum. It should make you want to starve yourself. I did not find this to be true. Instead, I made a beeline (Kylie) for the Oreos. And why do I have said Oreos in my house? Because my stupid friend thought it was a good idea to bring that ish into my house. Oh, thanks for dinner, by the way, Maren.

And lastly. The Bachelorette. I finally caught up during multiple nursing sessions. My first impression was that none of these dudes are very attractive. I have found that there is a Mindy Project quote for every situation in life. This dialogue ran through my mind as I watched these gentlemen step out of the limos:

Jason: "For me, it was refreshing to see normal people falling in love in a movie."
Mindy: "I have not yet tired of seeing hot people fall in love."
Yes, amen. 

We all fell in love with Andi when she finally worked up the cajones to tell Pabs what a douche bag he truly is. So far, I'm meh. I like her, but meh. And these dudes? See, I was friends with more guys in high school than girls because girls can be uber dramatic (don't take offense to that, you drama queen). However, what is up with these whiny, needy, drunken uggos? I don't get it. You're acting like the catty women we watch on The Bach - I'm looking at you, Marcus. 

I have much more to say, but I will recap the whole thing later. Btw, I really liked Eric, and that whole last scene was painfully dramatic. And really? Her interview? Come on. She knew him for 4 weeks, and we needed a recap of how this effected (Rachel, I don't know if it's E or A here) her? Ugh. That annoyed me. 

Thoughts? Musings? I can't believe it, but I actually miss Pabs. He was quite entertaining.


P.S. Thank YOU for the dinners that keep us fed and the Chais that keep me caffeinated! You all are the best!