SOCIAL MEDIA

Friday, May 29, 2015

Friday Faves

Happy Friday! Sharing my favorites from our day out with the fam. 

Wild Heart tee // Pow Wow Prints 
Striped shorts // Target baby 
Moccasins // Sweet n Swag


Tank // Target 
Ice Cream // Haagen-Daas // Duh 

Motorcycle onesie // Rock-a-boy Apparel
Shorts // The Children's Place

My new favorite obsession // Rocksbox // Jewelry delivered to your doorstep each month, based on your personal taste in jewelry. More information on how to get this amazingness next week. 

Have a great weekend! Be sure to enter the Bachelorette tee giveaway by Sunday evening! 

xoxo

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Best Damn Bachette Recap | Episode 3

BooHooBritt calls mommy to tell her how shocked she is that she wasn't voted Prom Queen. Then, her unemployed, knight-in-shining-armor knocks on her door and they skip off into the sunset.

Group Date #1

Daniel, Justin, Jared, Cory, Tanner, Kupah, Ben H., Ben Z. "I see this ending with a ring."

"Boxing is a lot like relationships." Yes, if you are in an abusive relationship.

Ok, so, they beat on each other, Kaitlyn gasps like a southern belle in a girdle, as they beat the hell out of each other, and then V for Vendetta gets his brain rattled.

You knew he looked familiar, but you couldn't put your finger on it. You're welcome.

Ben Z: "I love to cook: barbecuing & tailgating." Oh, do you cook the beer when you're standing behind a pickup truck, while nursing a beer in a coozie at a football game?

Sympathy rose: "My mom died. Please give me a rose."

Mid-conversation with Daniel, someone passes Kaitlyn a note. She goes down to see V for Vendetta. He's loopy, but not too loopy to miss an opportunity to get a sympathy rose for being punched in the face, and to make out with Kaitlyn.

Ben Z gets the rose. Shocker.

One-on-One with Clint

In what was one of the most painfully awkward dates, Kaitlyn & Clint, dress up & jump into a pool for awkward, underwater photos. The yoga breathing & touching, the awkward kissing, the awkward touching, the awkward conversation post-swim. Ugh. Awful. There was as much chemistry between the two of them as the chemistry between me & a lamp post. When is it over?!

Cut to Buddha. Love isn't about fighting. Love is about being high.

Back to awkward family photos.

Group Date #2

JJ, Jonathan, Joshua, Chris, Ian, Joe, Tony. "I'm looking for a man who will stand up for me."

Amy Schumer is here to help the guys be funny. It doesn't work.

JJ is worried that his comedy is too smart for these idiots."I hope it helps you to know that you're an asshole not smarter than anyone here." Thank you, Amy. That head of his was starting to expand a little too rapidly.

Ian thinks he looks like the Old Spice guy. Perhaps, but that's not what I see.

You can't unsee it.

Seriously, no one was funny. My first language is sarcasm. I'd be booting all these yahoos out da mansion. 

Buddha: "I'm not here for her. I'm here for us. Her love means as much to me as my love means to me. I want to give & receive & have & share my love so that we can soar over the eagle's nest, transcending time & space & normalcy. I'm here to find love. I feel like I've been training for this my whole life. Some people could judge me as zen. " I wouldn't say zen. I would say high. 


Cocktail Party

JJ gets the douche card rose. He had his rose, and takes Kaitlyn out to chat. The guys all gasp behind their 'kerchiefs that he could be such a jerk. Yeah, we're all shocked. No. 

What is it with people from Colorado who go on this show? Way to represent. 0 for 4.

JJ: "I'm feeling confidence wrapped inside of doucheness wrapped inside of narcissism."

Captain Hook takes Kaitlyn outside to secure his sympathy rose.

Side note: Kaitlyn's mouth is flying through the lineup. Do they not realize that they are all, essentially, making out with each other? 

Kupah decides he is going to behave like a child. "I don't feel like you've noticed me. I don't feel that there's really a connection." 

Kaitlyn: "You were really into Laila & the boxing." 

Kupah: "Oh, I wasn't into it at all."

This is the end of any civilized conversation. "I thought you were a real person. I didn't feel there was any connection until right now when I made you feel horribly uncomfortable and I acted like a huge baby."

Aaaaand then Kupah loses his shit. He loudly tells all the guys that he feels like this isn't fair, blah blah blah, so Kaitlyn grabs him & tells him to get out. 

"But I don't want to go home. You're hot."

Oh, well, then, Ok. You can stay since you think I'm hot.


TO BE CONTINUED flashes across our screens as Kupah yells & gets in the cameraman's face about how upset he is that she sent him home. Such class on this show.

Oh! And we can't forget about BooHooBritt. She needs more face time, so we get a glimpse into their deep, meaningful relationship, eating ice cream & kissing up against buildings. Five bucks it doesn't last longer than this season.

Did you enter to win your Bachelorette tee yet?? If you haven't, click HERE to go enter. What did you think of this week? Who's your favorite? Who do you love to hate? Leave a comment below!
Monday, May 25, 2015

The Lazy Girl's Guide to Pie-Making

I am the laziest cook/baker on the planet. I want to make pretty yummies, but I would also rather binge-watch Hart of Dixie (just started watching a couple of days ago & I'm a few episodes into season 2...omgggggg!!).

Now, this pie can be made all homemade and from scratch and shit, but I have 3 children who need me to watch them do acrobatics, wipe their disgusting noses, and various other things. The great thing about this is you can take the lazy route and impress the hell out of people. 


You need 4 ingredients. Four.


2 large cans of cherry pie filling, 1 large can of blueberry pie filling, pie crusts, and 1 egg.


Now, most people would take aluminum foil to section off their pie, but I thought I had some and I didn't, so I improvised. You are looking at a brown paper bag, folded up & wrapped in some plastic wrap. #nailedit


Dump in your blueberry pie filling once the cherry is in.


Roll out the other pie crust, cut out some strips for your stripes, and grab your handy dandy star cookie cutters and cut you some stars.


Crack egg and brush it on your crust (helps it turn golden brown). Bake at 400 F for 15 minutes, then 375 F for 45 minutes.


Boom. Done. Easy as pie. People will think you slaved over it, and really you just dumped some cans in a pie pan & turned on your oven. If you have an obnoxious mother-in-law, make this little number for her, throw some real fruit in there, and that psychopath will think you aren't such a bad choice for her son.

Oh, and Happy Memorial Day!


Friday, May 22, 2015

Friday Faves | Wild Purple

As a photographer & mom of 3 stupidly beautiful children, I have had the privilege of working with many vendors who gift us some AMAZING pretty things to feature on my blogs.

I'll be honest, most days, my big girl camera sits on my dresser, under a pile of clean clothes, unused. I am too busy wiping butts, noses & faces to take the time to lay on the floor, outside my kid's bedrooms waiting for the perfect shot. Occasionally, I make those shots happen. The beauty of people sending us pretty things to model is that it forces me to take the camera out, and now, those pictures are in my family yearbooks forever.





This week, I want to brag on The Wild Purple. I can't tell you how much these women have blessed my family with such fun stuff. When they heard about the boys' Cowboys & Indians party, they immediately asked if they could make a special cowboy bunting for the party. I obvi said yes immediately!



In addition to some cute scarves and the bunting, they sent the most darling head pieces for Maddie & I.




Go check out their fun things over at Instagram, Twitter, & Pinterest! You'll love their shop!

Thursday, May 21, 2015

The Twinjas Turn 1!

I like throwing parties. I get a lot of shit for the over-the-top parties I throw for my kids. Yes, it's mostly for me, but isn't that ok? I mean, I like to have fun decorations, I want a theme, I want people dressing up to match the theme, and dammit, I want a little pomp & circumstance over my kids' birthdays. 

I digress. 

The boys turning 1 was no different. The first birthday has to be awesome. Well, at my house it does. 

I wanted to do something fun for these two. Cowboys and Indians. I spent countless hours discussing options for clothing, decorations, and cake flavors with a handful of GRACIOUS vendors, and below you will see my vision come to life. 

Special thanks to Babette's Feast & Catering, Sweet N Swag, Little Mr. Ties, The Wild Purple, The Printed Palette, & A Little Hipster for all of the amazing gifts you donated to make this party happen. It was everything I had envisioned! 

A special thanks to my main girl, Maren freaking Miller, for snapping pictures while I rangled children, ate cake, carried babies, and shielded my offspring from the monsoon that decided to blow in the second this party started. 

The most amazing cakes by Babette's Feast & Catering


 Vintage cowboy bunting from The Wild Purple

 Shoes: Sweet n Swag, Jeans: Old Navy, Suspenders: Little Mr. Ties

Shoes: Sweet n Swag, Leggings: A Little Hipster, Tee: The Printed Palette, Headband: yours truly 











Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Best Damn Bachette Recap | Episode 2

Britt cries.

Men go home.

***

I kid, I kid. But, for real.

In true Chris Harrison fashion, he drags out the painful, "They chose Kaitlyn because you aren't wife material. But can I show you to my suite?" spiel. Could he BE anymore dramatic?


Chris to Kaitlyn: "Unfortunately, you have to go back in there & talk to that room of uggos."

Kaitlyn: "OMG. I think I'm going to throw up."

Me too, Kaitlyn. Me too.


And I'm sorry, why are we not kicking #teambritt boys out the door? We know they wanted Britt, but we're keeping them around? Like, what? Runner-up is good enough?

Cocktail Party

Joshua: "I welded you a rose." Thank you?

Ben Z: "I'm a fitness professional. There's nothing more rewarding than taking a fatty and helping them look hot." Really? Nothing? How about being a doctor and saving lives?

Buddha: "I'm confused right now. My soul sister is gone and I feel like the eagles have soared away. I want to drink of her fountain, but now I need to dig my own well." Whatever he's smoking, I want some.

Jared: "You are so sweet, so pretty, and I'm so happy you're here, so please don't vote me off. I voted for Britt, but now I'm #teamkaitlyn just 15 minutes later."  If that's not sincerity...

JJ: "I have a kid. Rose, please!"

Tanner: You guys, he's a dentist. He needed to check her teeth with his tongue. Relax. 

Shawn B: I didn't know Ryan Gosling had a younger, available brother. 

First impression rose goes to Gosling 2.0. Good choice, Kaitlyn. And hot kiss. 

Rose Ceremony

Let's be honest, we're picking based on looks. So, if you're ugly, peace out. 

Chris, Ben H, JJ, Joe, Kupah, Boy George, Ryan B, Joshua, Buddha...

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to have a dramatic aside with Brady. "This has been a really difficult party for me. I have known Britt for 40 minutes and I want to have her babies, so I'm going to run all over Malibu looking for her. Byeeeeeeeee."

Clint, Corey, Jonathan, Cory, Ben Z, Tanner, Captain Hook, Justin, Jared

And with that, the sex therapist, stripper, & the junkyard specialist are all headed home, and with it, our dreams of kinky drama.

But then, oh, but then. The previews were the best part of this episode.

Nick is back because he still has no life or job. 

The moaning. The freaking moaning. Kudos to Kaitlyn for being the first person to admit that she had sex with someone on the show. I mean, they all do it, but she just had the stones to admit it. 

Who do you hope she picks? Who do you think she sleeps with? If you want to know who she sleeps with, Reality Steve tweeted it last night HERE! Leave comments below! And don't forget to enter to win your Bachelorette tee here!


Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Best Damn Bachette Recap | Episode 1

Oh, shit! Two-night event?! As if one night wasn't enough to make me want to scratch my eyeballs out with a dull knife.

This is episode one so they want to showcase their best bach's (baches?). Maybe best is a stretch.

Jonathan (the car whisperer): Ok, he's the token parent. Got to have one every season. He lives in Detroit, so he's out. I'd rather live in like Arlington, Iowa or something.

We need to keep Josh on just for the sheer fact that he's a firefighter. I'm sorry, I meant STRIPPER. He's a mother flipping stripper, guys.

Brady. Just no.

Kuna, Idado. I'm guessing Joshua's only options are fat girls because they are all snorking potatoes all day er'yday.

Ian is too hard to say. Also, he looks like Captain Hook with that 5 o'clock shadow. Now, let me preface this super bitchy statement by saying, I am a cry-er. I will cry over moving stories at the drop of a hat. HOWEVER, the woe-is-me stories on THIS SHOW make me want to roll my eyes. I feel like they're playing the sympathy card.

Jared is one hairy dude.

Tony/Buddha: Man, I had high hopes for this dude. That hair tho. But no, just no. He talks to his frickin' plants. "My life is a giant puzzle piece...and I understand...the shapes of the puzzle pieces." We're starting the show off high as a kite, apparently.

Now, I like a man who takes care of himself and has a ripped body (i.e. my husband), however, this seems a little bit like the livin-in-the-glory-days thing with Ben. And another sympathy card...may she rest in peace.

Guys Popes in a Volkswagen Limo

Jonathan, Miami Vice called. They want their suit back.

Hey, I know. Let's only pick the guys who want Britt to come out of the limo to make Kaitlyn feel like a complete loser. What better way to make 2 girls hate each other than to have 43905739785 men salivating over one while the other one stands there awkwardly.

"Love Man is my alter ego."  I just threw up in my mouth.

"Britt is known for being a skank making people comfortable. It takes me some time." I don't care. You don't have time for that shit. Force yourself to be lively for 5 minutes, and quit your bitching.

JJ, you get major bonus points for asking to puck Kaitlyn.

Ryan M. is a junkyard specialist. Goodbye.

Daniel. Fashion Designer. So, Ryan was right. This is the gay bachelor.

He's stripping? Really?

Joe brings moonshine. I like him already.

OMG, Tanner. The tissues. Britt, take a hint. Sack up.

Kaitlyn finds her balls & runs inside to mingle.

Britt: "But that's not fair...because I didn't think of it first. Omg. I can't believe some of these guys want Kaitlyn. I thought everyone wanted me."



Tony: Ummm, black eye? Way to make an impression. Love the recycled speech too, dude.

Cocktail Party

Ok, I am clearly #teamkaitlyn, but just give girlfriend a break. She is nervous. She makes jokes when she's nervous. However, Britt makes her feel bad by pulling out the, "Oh my, I am here to find a best friend and a soul mate. I would never play the game or manipulate at all. I am just so here for the right reasons."

Buddha: "Touch is very important to me. The box with Britt's name on it was pulsating." Oh, so, he's a serial killer. Ok, cool.

Prom Queen Voting

Go place a rose in the box of the girl you choose. That's completely normal.

Classic Ryan quotes: "Is this the gay bachelor?"

"You're lucky I'm not raping you right now."

"You do suck. Everything about you."

Peace out, drunky.

Tighties in the pool, ass-grabbing, drinking, debauchery. Typical opening night shenanigans.

Shawn, pick Shawn. He's my favorite. OMGeeeeeee. His nephew drew her a picture! I think my ovaries just did a backhand spring.

Music crescendos & we are forced into watching more of this shit tonight. To be continued...


Friday, May 15, 2015

The Men

You can lie all you want to, but part of the fun of a new season is sizing up the desperate eligible Bach dudes. I'd be lying if I said that looks don't matter, but for the love. I have eyes. With that statement, I would like to say...these dudes better have rockin' personalities and ripped abs. 

In the age of man buns & Jesus beards, where are my lumbersexuals? These Ralph Lauren models are not cutting the mustard for me. 

Without further ado, let's begin picking apart these desperadoes and see what we workin' wiff.


Ben H
-Denver boy. Don't screw this up for us, sir. Jordan did not make a good impression for our state.
-Software salesman. So, he better be funny or something.

Ben Z:

-What does being married mean to you? "Being married is finding the person that completes you." Relax, Jerry Maguire.

Bradley

-Biggest date fear: "Someone who can't handle or understand my sarcasm." Aaaaand we have a frontrunner.

Brady:

-Occupation: Singer-Songwriter aka UNEMPLOYED.

Chris:

-Occupation: Dentist. You don't say.

Clint

-If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be? "Chuck Norris, for obvious reasons." You are well on your way to looking like him, Fabio.

Corey:

-Occupation: Investment Banker. So, her diamond would be humongous.

Cory:

-Biggest date fear: "Finding out my date's really a dude." We get it. You're straight.

Daniel

-I can't even. He just looks like Boy George.

David

-If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be? "Brad Pitt, so he can tell me some of his crazy stories and teach me a thing or two about charming women." I think it's safe to say that we'd all like to have lunch with Brad.

Ian

-I'm rootin' for Ian. I'm into bald dudes. Kudos, ABC.

Jared

-What is your greatest achievement to date? For the past six years, I've been a volunteer at a week-long summer camp for children with cancer." Are you freaking kidding me? If one of these girls doesn't propose marriage on night one, they are buffoons.

JJ:

-Another hometown hero. Don't screw this up.

Joe:

-Just no. The hair. No.

Jonathan:

-Occupation: Automotive Spokesman. I'm sorry. Does he speak on a car's behalf?

Josh:

-Occupation: Law Student/Exotic Dancer. OMG! New fave. Yesssss! A male exotic dancer. This is going to be freaking epic.

Joshua:

-I can't even read anything about him because all I think of is, in Friends, when Rachel is dating JoshUA. 

Justin

-Dimples. 

Kupah:

-What does being married mean to you? "FOOOOOOOORRRRRRRREEEEEEEVEEEEEEEER." Squints Palladino, anyone?

Ryan B:

-What's your most embarrassing moment? "Meant to send a pic to my girlfriend and accidentally tweeted it." I'm guessing it was a below the belt selfie.

Ryan M:

-Occupation: Junkyard Specialist. W.T.F.?!

Shawn B:

-Josh Groban look-a-like. Already not a fan.

Shawn E:

-Occupation: Amateur Sex Coach. Amateur? Sex coach? Who is he coaching? If he's coaching, shouldn't he be a specialist? Or an expert? Or a novice? I mean, I've been doing it for a long time, and I certainly don't consider myself an amateur. Come on, Shawn E., step up.

Tanner

-I hate it when my date... "Can't hold a conversation or gets sloppy drunk." Wrong show, Tanner. Wrong show.

Tony:

-Occupation: Healer. So, he's Jesus. 
-Also, with a little hair tie, you could rock the man bun, dude. 

There you have it. What do you think? Who would you give the first impression rose to? Don't forget to enter the giveaway to win this darling tee! 





Check the original post here to enter! And don't forget to watch along, starting Monday night! 


xoxo,

Monday, May 11, 2015

Bach-ettes & a Giveaway

Yes. It's that time again. I have yet to watch a single minute of this season's Bitchelorette, and I am already losing brain cells.


You know how women get along great with other women, and it's so super easy to make girlfriends as an adult? Right, well, in that spirit, the geniuses over at ABC have decided to pit 2 chicks against each other & let the men decide who they want to compete for. I mean, this sounds like a great idea. I'm sure it will all be decided with prayerful consideration, taking into account who will make an excellent wife & mother.

One week from tonight, I will be sitting in my in-laws' house, soaking it all in, filtering all of my comments with sarcasm. #yourewelcome

**GIVEAWAY**

Who doesn't love free shit? Well, to thank YOU all for reading this dinky little blog, I am holding a giveaway. Enter below to win this darling tee! 



*Winner will be announced Monday, June 1, 2015. If you are chosen, email me your size & address. *

Tell your friends, watch along, read along, share your thoughts & musings about this gigantic clusterf***. I look forward to losing brain cells with you all.

xoxo,







a Rafflecopter giveaway