The Best Damn Bach Recap | Finale

The burning question floating around our Bach finale party was what the hell is shoved up Lauren's ass?

We made it. We made it through 10 episodes of tears, back-stabbing, eating disorders, tears, extensions, tears, group dates, tears, and lust. Ben finally puts us out of our misery, after blurting out two "I love you's" to two different women. I'm sure they both feel so special.

His poor mother. You know she wants to slap her kid upside the head and tell him to pull his head out of his ass. If any of my adult children ever tell me they want to be on this show, I will be pulling a Tanya Harding so they are incapable of walking.

We join the fam bam at Sandals Jamaica and this is all I can think: 

Lauren Meets the Parents

Nothing cerebral happens during this segment. "Ben is like one of the best guys in like the world."

WTF are Ben's mom & Lauren holding hands?!

JoJo Meets the Parents

JoJo decides this is the best time to wear a romper with no bra. #wifematerial

Mama Higgins doesn't hold JoJo's hands, so she's obviously out.

JoJo: Do you want to propose?
Ben: You know how I feel about you.
JoJo: I don't have a question for that answer.

Parental Pow Wow

Ben's Dad: I don't know. Pick one. Lauren is polished, and JoJo has a killer rack.
Ben's Mom: Pick one to plant your stake in and move on.

Lauren's Last Date

The date where no one speaks. They clearly have a lot in common.

Lauren: You ready?
Ben: Yeah
Lauren: Feel good?
Ben: Yeah
Lauren: Stressed?
Ben: Yeah
Lauren: What are you thinking right now?
Ben: You're beautiful.
Lauren: I can tell he's thinking something, but I don't know what he could possibly be stressed out about. It's like he has to choose between two women this week or something.

JoJo's Last Date

I don't know what happened on this date because I was just staring at JoJo's rack for the entire segment. #boobenvy

JoJo: I can't believe you don't know who you're picking tomorrow. Thanks.

Moving from the couch to the bathroom floor would have worked if YOU HAD TURNED YOUR MICS OFF, MORONS!

Ben: You're my best friend.
Lauren: Thanks for friend-zoning me, asshole.
Ben: I love you.
JoJo: But you love her too.
Ben: I mean, yes, but you're cool too.

Ring Shopping

Neil: We have 6 cuts of diamonds. Choose the one that suits her best.
Ben: Oh, shit. I need to choose a wife now?

So, for the first time in Bachelor history, the Bach chooses a ring resembling something that Kanye would propose to Kanye with. 

The Break-Up/Proposal

JoJo steps out of the helicopter first, looking like she's dressed for her island wedding, but sadly, she's about to get dumped...only after she pours out her heart while Ben looks at her like he's about to hurl.

Ben: I love you, BUT...
Ben: Can I walk you out?
Just once, I want to them to be like, NO! Up yours!

Ben is given a quick bathroom break between his breakup and his proposal. 

The best part about this whole show was ruined by one of my girlfriends' husbands: 

Yeah, I'm sure he called Lauren's dad all on his own. The producers had nooooothing to do with that.

If he says, "You're my person, one more time, I will cut a bitch.

Stay tuned for the After the Final Rose recap...

Friday Favorite | Ruffles & Tutus

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We even got a Bronco's tutu, so you know we were pumped about that!!

I never thought I would love twinning with my girl, but she gets such a kick out of it that I love it now. And why not? You know you wanna wear rock a tutu too!

Stay up-to-date with Ruffles & Tutus on Facebook, Instagram & Twitter


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The Best Damn Bach Recap | Week 9

Ben rehashes his concerns over his bottom three hoes.

Caila is cold and doesn't know how to love.
Lauren is the closest thing he's ever felt to love at first sight, like a little school boy, chasing after his crush. #swoon
JoJo instant connection to my pants.

Cue the Phantom of the Opera music as Ben climbs some random rocks in a pink shirt.


The most awko taco date ever. No one is talking until they both start talking about how awkward this date is. 

BenShe's not herself. She's quiet. She's PMSing, Ben.

She rambles and rambles and suddenly vomits out ILOVEYOU. The least sincere, non-romantic confession of "love." 

Caila: I can feel in his breath that he feels the same.
Ben: I'm going to send you home later, so you wanna have sex before I get married to someone else?
Caila: I see fireworks in the sky, in his eyes, in his pants.

No question: they boned.

The morning after...

Caila: Ben can't say that he loves me, but I think he loves me. I felt it - in my vagina.


Why is Lauren walking like she has something lodged in her ass?

Lauren: This is one of my dreams: to hold baby sea turtles. Girl's gonna go far.

Ben: I cried talking to your sister about you.
Lauren: I want to have your babies. So do we all.

As gross and stupid as this show is, Ben's genuine belief that Lauren is too good for him gives me all the feelings in my pants.

Lauren is ready to let Ben know she loves him as the Jamaican porn music plays.

Aahhhhhhhh shiiiiiiiiitttttt!! Bennnnnnnnnnnnn!!!! You can't say you're in love with her!!!

Lauren: I love you.
Ben: I love you too.
Lauren: I'm completely in love with you.
Ben: I love you.
Lauren: I love you so much.

Guys, STFU.


Ben: Telling Lauren that I'm in love with her, complicates things. Like my contract, so I'll be telling JoJo that I love her today to even the playing field. #sorrycaila

My heart right now is with Lauren, but my pants are with JoJo.

Token waterfall/makeout scene required of each Bachelor season.

JoJo: I do love you.
Ben: JoJo, I love you too.
JoJo: Dafuq?

If I were a psychologist, I would psychologize that Ben has insecurity issues. He needs to tell two women he loves them in case one of them backs out. Thank you, Jason Mesnick.

Let's now awkwardly talk about JoJo's awk-ass family.

Oh yeah, they screwed.

Eww. Morning breath. Gag.

JoJoGetting the words of affirmation means so much to me. We get it: you read The Five Love Languages. Staaaahhhhppp.

Bye, Felicia

BenI'm glad you came to see me because I think we should see other people. More other people.
Caila: I will cut you.
Ben: I can't imagine saying goodbye to you, but goodbye.
Caila: Thank you for the opportunity.

Before she leaves, Caila leaps out of the SUV to confront Ben about why he hit it and quit it. And we all cringe.

Rose Ceremony

Two roses for his two hoes. One stays, no one goes.

Is it me or does JoJo look like she's plotting Lauren's disappearance?

Now we wait two fecking weeks for the finale. Women Bitch About Ben Tell All next week. Though, I'm not gonna lie, I'm really excited to see PsychOlivia again!

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