Spring Forward

It's May 1st & it's snowing. When I think about the month of May, I remember the anticipation of school coming to a close. Teachers cared less, we cared less, & you could all but taste summer. It meant riding our bikes all day long, eating popsicles from the ice cream truck & being a sweaty, nasty, little kid mess for 3 months solid. So, after cruising the Caribbean for 8 days in 90-degree weather with a killer ocean wind whipping through our hair, I was mad as a hornet when we heard that snow was headed for Colorado on May 1st. Nonetheless, it's snowing & there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.

Go home, Spring. You're drunk.

I digress.

This post is an interesting one. I debated posting personal details because, as you all know, I am very private & don't like to share. So, it's happy & maybe a little bit of a bummer. No pity parties here - just life as it comes.

Our cruise came at the perfect time. We spent weeks acquiring summer clothes & shoes all while it was still dipping into the 'teens at night. I was literally buying flip flops & dodging snow as I went in & out of The Wal-Mart (Stacey). When a cashier asked what in the hell I was doing buying flip flops during a snowstorm, I told her we were going on a Caribbean cruise. She lit up & emphatically told me that she had done the same, & that the ONE THING I COULD NOT MISS OUT ON was getting my hair corn rowed by some locals. Sorry to tell you, Wal-Mart Wanda, I sadly missed out on that once in a lifetime opportunity.

The weeks ticked by slowly, as we waited for mid-April to approach. It's no secret that we want another baby, so when I was late & the 2 pink lines showed up on a test, I was excited. Cautiously excited. And from day 1, something was off. I didn't even make it to my first appointment the following week to begin a battery of tests & stomach injections. And while I was very upset & frustrated, we may have figured it out. It's my ovulation. It's "crappy" according to my off-beat doctor. So, we start fertility drugs in a couple months. I have heard of secondary infertility. I have friends experiencing this exact thing. I have handfuls of messages in my inbox of women you & I know struggling at this moment with primary & secondary infertility. I had no idea that I would have this issue. And Lord knows it's the exact thing that plays on your mind & emotions in that whole "I'm-not-a-whole-woman-because-I-can't-produce-a-baby-at-the-drop-of-a-hat." 

I wasn't too excited to be having a miscarriage when we were headed out on a cruise, but the cruise wound up being the perfect distraction. I thought about it only a few times while we were cruising, & only when it was brought up. Perfect timing. I'm bummed because I had no idea it would be this damn difficult to have a second baby, but I'm GRATEFUL in a huge way that we have a plan & a reason for all of this. And who has time to have a pity party & be UNGRATEFUL when you're on a giant ship, full of food available to you 24/7, white sand beaches & turquoise water?!

I have told very few people about this most recent miscarriage, but my comment every time is "there are worse things in the world." I'm not starving, sick, disabled, homeless, dirty or any of the other horrible things that are plaguing our world. I have the cutest little, pig-tailed toddler, the coolest husband in the world, whom I absolutely, stupidly adore, & a funny, wonderful extended family who make me grateful that there are therapists in this world. And I have hope because Jesus told a little red-haired 5-year-old that He was going to give me a "yellow-haired, baby girl" someday. I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that He spoke to her little heart that day. One day, I'll have the second yellow-haired girl we dream of. And thanks to Adley, I have HOPE.


1 comment

  1. I'm only a couple months behind seeing this, but you're so beautiful, A. I'm sorry you guys are struggling. Keep being a testament of faith and hope to other women. Your heart is lovely.


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