Communication 101

A dear friend of mine told me the other day that I have the gift of communication. I was both touched & tickled. Touched because it was a sweet thing to say in a rousing speech about not throwing in the towel on some things & not giving up on a gift that I clear have. Tickled because my hubby always tells me that when I start a story, I start halfway in the middle, wherever my brain happens to pause on that story.

I don't feel like a good communicator. I feel like I'm inadequate & not cutting it most of the time. You have your days where you are super mom or super wife or super family member, but most days, it's just bobbing from one thing to the next that make up your days. Part of my dilemma is that I feel like I'm trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Things aren't measuring up. Things are discombobulated.

Three months ago, I had a plan. I knew what life was going to be for the next year. I was going to find out what I was having in October, I was going to be pregnant for the holidays, I was due in March. The rest of 2013 would be full of baby smells, sounds, & snuggles.

Here I sit. It's November. I should have a swollen belly. And I don't. Some cool things have happened because I wasn't pregnant. I lost 69 pounds & hit my goal weight. I met some incredible family members that I might not have gone to see if I'd been pregnant. But mostly, I sit here, when the house is quiet & I feel off. There's no plan. Plans make me feel secure. My plan got tossed out the window.

I foolishly told someone the other day that I was better after the first 2. I bounced back quickly. The same person reminded me that I started seeing a counselor shortly after my 2nd loss. Oh yeah. I forgot. So, I sit here, sad, & in total judgment & condemnation of myself, believing that you people are sitting at home judging me for not being over this. For not pulling myself up by my boot straps. For having the audacity to tear up when my girlfriend walks into a room, with her perfectly rounded baby belly & feel like I got sucker punched. That's what I feel. Everyday.

So, when my girlfriend tells me, in the midst of all this junk, that I am a great communicator, especially in women's ministry...I want to laugh. I sit in my in-law's house on Wednesday nights, ready to talk Bible study with women & I feel like I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel. I call a friend to shoot the breeze, & I'm in tears by the end of the conversation.

It's better. I wasn't where I was 3 months ago. I'm not a hysterical mess, but I'm a mess. And that's ok. I guess. I'd rather be honest. I want my plan back. My new plan is nice - trips & weddings & pools are on the agenda for 2013. But I liked the old plan.

Life is good. It really is. It just throws you a curve ball every once in a while that legitimately smacks you in the face. So, I'll take the black eye & move on to my new plan.

a.