The Fine Line Between Success & Failure

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt

The day I have busted my butt for has finally arrived. 1-3-2. My ultimo, supremo weight loss goal. No gimmicks, no fads; just good ol' nose-to-the-grindstone, hard work.

When I last posted about my weight loss, I never expected to lose more weight. I don't know that I believed I would even actually hit that original goal. It was a number to strive for, to work for, but I don't know that I could tell you I believed I could do it.

Josh & I hooked up our ancient computers last night & walked down memory lane through old photos. I knew what I weighed, knew that I needed to lose weight, so I knew what to expect as we scrolled through the photos. What I didn't expect was the sadness that washed over me as I looked at the girl I used to be. I grieved for her. I could look at the photos & feel the sadness & humiliation she had felt in those shorts that she squeezed into. I knew the pain that she felt on vacations with family & the shame she felt being so overweight, & yet too hurt to do anything about it.

Anywhere from around 180 to 220lb (no scale to prove that), & sizes 14-18, L-XL. 

I wish that I could ramble on & on right now, & tell you that the girl in those pictures has figured it all out. I wish I could tell you that with dropping a total of 88 pounds, I dropped the mentality of feeling less than, the comparing or the constant striving for a lower number because maybe that magic number will be the one that makes me feel better about myself. I can't. I'm embarrassed to say that. I have friends & family members looking to me for advice & motivation & tips. Do you know that I wanted to change my goal because I thought 132 was too much? That if I just replaced that 3 with a 2, then maybe I would feel better. Maybe some of the naysayers would be impressed. Three pounds. That's it. Three stupid pounds.

Being heavy is hard, losing weight is hard, & now maintaining is hard. Each step is a battle in your head. What I have learned, & what I have to remind myself of everyday at this step is that it's enough. It was always enough. I was always enough. Maybe you can make improvements to your body or your character or your attitude, but it's enough. Had I known that back in 2004, my approach to life, my body, & how I felt about myself would have been vastly improved. Had I known that regardless of who I compared myself to, I was who I was created to be. Did I need to lose weight? Yes. Did I need to feel inferior because of it? Hell no.

No matter where you're at in your journey to get fit, you are perfect just as you are. You are who you are supposed to be. There is always room for improvement for all of us, but comparing ourselves to someone who we are NOT SUPPOSED to be is destructive to our hearts & minds. When I set out to lose weight, my original goal was to be fit & healthy so that my kids would never see their mom struggle. I didn't want them to pick up on bad habits & struggle through high school & college to get it under control like I did. It was about losing weight. I had no idea that it was so much less about losing weight & so much more about finding happiness, strength & confidence underneath that layer of chub. It was about finding the girl inside that is confident in any room she's in. An added bonus is that it has become a platform to help my friends & family in their struggle to find balance & health.

I'm blessed. I have my family, friends & some killer arms. And the confidence is coming. I came across a girl today on Instagram who writes #confident under every photo she posts. I dig it. I may not do it, but I'm going to think it in my head. On repeat. Everyday.

And to counter the chubby gallery, I'm PROUD & CONFIDENT to show you that I've busted my J.Lo booty from a size 18 to a size 6. #confident

132-135lbs, & size 6, SM-MED

Thank you to those of you who offered wisdom, encouragement, or a shoulder to cry on. Thank you for being my cheerleaders. I love you to the moon & back.