Birth & Loss

**Thank you to those of you who have sent texts & emails telling me you're thinking of me. I can't tell you how completely blown out of the water I was every time I received a little love note with your kind, caring words. You are all unbelievable & I'm blessed to know you.**


Today should be a very joyous day. It's not that it's not, but today is my due date. I found out in June that I was pregnant & I was so excited to be having another baby, only to find out 2 months later, that our baby was gone.

So, in honor of today's crappy anniversary, I'm writing a birth story. It should be the 2nd (really the 4th if we're counting) birth story, but seeing as how I never really wrote Maddie's birth story, today seems the most apropos.


August 10th started out the right way: with contractions. I was done, she was cooked, it was time to get this show on the road. My due date was August 19th, but I was ready. I went in to see my midwife, she did her thing, & I contracted like a MOFO for the rest of the day. I was exhausted, so I took a nap, only to wake up around 7pm with absolutely nothing happening. I was PISSED. I'm sure I whined & complained the rest of the evening, which is super attractive, especially when you, then, want your husband to get frisky so you can get this kid out. #romance

In order for said romance to occur, I needed to shave my legs, which was super fun & not at all a pain in the ass when you are 983457934 months pregnant. At 11:15pm, I made my way into the bathroom to soak in a hot tub when suddenly...I peed. At least, I thought I'd peed. I called for Josh but he couldn't hear me. I quickly ran out of the bathroom & laid on the floor to see if my water would pool (so graphic & horrifying - I'm so sorry for the description) & to be sure I hadn't accidentally pissed myself. It pooled, I hollered & we waited.

My contractions started a couple of hours later & they began to get intense & close, so we hopped in the car at 1:30am & got checked into triage at 2am. I was ready for drugs. They get me into a room where the anesthesiologist was waiting for me. I had no idea that this was about to be one of those defining moments in our marriage. The whole process took 30 minutes, which, according to every other freaking woman, is not normal. I started to wretch. They crank those beds up super high so they can insert all the garbage into your back, making your husband's face at about crotch level. Back to the wretching, I wretched so hard, that my poor husband got soaked from shoulder to feet with more water. I was mortified. They never tell you how attractive & sexy you feel in this whole process.

My contractions ebbed & flowed throughout the night, only to be insanely out of control by 6am. The dr came back in & couldn't understand why I was in so much pain. He upped my meds. By 7am, I'm a hot frickin' mess. I can hardly see through the pain. Thankfully, it's time for a shift change. In walks a new anesthesiologist, a woman this time, who proceeds to look at the catheter in my back: it fell out. Great! Thanks to the last guy. Can I get a refund on that super expensive medicine that has been soaking my bed for 4 hours?!

Insert spinal. Insert crazy, drugged up, hugungous pregnant woman who declares: I totally see why people are drug addicts.

We get readjusted & by 10am, I'm ready to go. I start pushing & 3 pushes later, I have my girl. FALSE. Whoever tells you that it's that freaking easy, is a big, fat, annoying liar.

About 1800 pushes, many new variations of how to use the F word, & an hour & a half later, our perfect little cone-headed princess was born.

Madison Brooke
August 11, 2010 @ 11:26am
7lb 5oz, 19.5"

She was perfect. And we stared at her all day.

Family trickled in & out all day, various texts & phone calls ensued. We were blessed & touched by all our loved ones who came by to meet our girl. It was a whirlwind, but the part of this birth story that is my absolute favorite was that first night. "Do you want us to take her to the nursery so you can sleep?" "Would you like me to hit you??" I placed her in her bassinet next to me, but it was too far away. I carefully reached in & tucked her up under my chin & she relaxed onto my chest & slept. All night. It was perfection. I breathed in my tiny baby all night.

I was sore & exhausted & crazy hormonal, but in the dark room, with just a bathroom light on as a nightlight, my long-awaited baby girl snuggled against me.

I long for our next birth story. I don't know when that will be, but I look forward to it. In the midst of my first two losses, I couldn't understand why they didn't work. I can look back easily now, & see that I wouldn't have this amazing, fluffy, blonde-haired, blue/green-eyed, hilarious little girl. I get it. I can look back on this 4th pregnancy & see all the things that happened because it didn't go to term. And I can look back & be thankful. Because God is good. Even though it's hard to see that sometimes, in the midst of a 3rd miscarriage, we see His hand & His goodness.

Our family story isn't over. This is just intermission. Stay tuned for Act 2...& maybe 3...


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