This Is Us Recap | Week 1

If you were not among the millions of women sobbing on their couches, clutching their glass of wine last Tuesday, then you really can't be trusted as a human being. There is, literally, nothing that could have been as important as watching this show and getting sucked into all the feels.

We miss Parenthood, ok? I said it. I wasn't on board for a long time, but when I got on board, I realized what I had been missing. I will stop here to grovel to my best friend: Kylie, you were right about camping, Justin Bieber, & Parenthood. Forgive me.

This Is Us has the potential to unbreak our hearts after saying goodbye last year, while simultaneously breaking our hearts with all of the feels wrapped up in 60 minutes. Join me, if you will, in being a basic white girl, lounging in her yoga pants with a glass of wine, sobbing HYSTERICALLY as this beautiful couple raise trips (one of which was a rescue), a son meets his dying father, and the funniest damn chubby girl falls in love.

Could Mandy Moore (Rebecca) be any cuter pregnant with triplets? No. She could not. She's, also, not actually pregnant, so there's that. Her doting, sexy AF husband, Milo Ventimiglia (Jack), shines in roll as new dad, as he faces the reality of losing one of the babies during childbirth, but turns around and adopts this darling baby boy who was abandoned. Like, I can't with all the feels.

Justin Hartley (Kevin), The Manny, realizes he's a has-been-beefcake. We ain't mad when you take your shirt off, buddy. He throws a fit, quits his job mid-scene, and heads to his sissy's house to drink his woes away on their birthday. Thirty-sixth birthday to be exact.

WAIT. STOP RIGHT HERE. I was wiki-ing (it's a word) names. WAIT. HOLD THE EFFING PHONE. According to Wikipedia, Kevin, Kate, & Randall ARE the triplets. WERE WE TOLD THIS BIT OF INFORMATION?! Am I losing my mind?

Trippy.

Anyway, Chrissy Metz (Kate) is going to be my favorite character/storyline. I'm a sucker for a funny chubby girl. Can't help it. They just are THE best. At OA, she meets a charming chubby guy and they hit it off. Adorable. Amazing. This is going to be my favorite.

And Sterling K. Brown (Randall). Dad abandoned him 36 years ago at a fire station. Turns out, Daddy-O is dying, but you aren't really surprised because he looks rode hard & put away wet.

Are you totally sucked in? Yeah, me too. If you aren't, I really question the longevity of our friendship. Talk to me. Did you get the triplets thing about the grown-ups? Freaking Wiki.

My Kids Made Me Cry

I'm sitting on the bathroom floor, rocking back & forth with a half-empty wine bottle. Mascara has stained my face, my body is shaking with aftershock sobs, and I get the giggles. My 24-pound 2-year-old has done this to me. It started with yelling and it ended with me in the fetal position on the bathroom floor.

The kids were sick. They were restless. I needed Starbucks in the worst way, and we needed toilet paper. It was a no-brainer. We head to Target and attitudes would adjust just by stepping foot through the automatic doors.

False.

Shit hit the Target fan before we even got out of the car. The boys' arms are now long enough to reach each other across the middle row, making it easy to smack each other and swipe toys. This is what ensued in the parking lot. Number 3 hoards sunglasses and Number 2 occasionally wants sunglasses, so it was a power struggle between brawn and scrap.

After I managed to wrestle the two into a cart, we entered Target and beelined for Starbucks. There was weeping & gnashing of teeth as all 3 practically took out the barista when he slowly pulled out three cake pops. The audacity.

Moments later, Number 1 had an itch on her foot, so SHE LAID HER CAKE POP ON THE GROUND. I screamed. Like, actually screamed, "NO! GROSS!" as she looked at me as if I were a complete asshole, ruining her life.

I did the dumbest thing I could have done: I emptied Number 1's piggy bank in an effort to be mom of the year. "Take this money with you! Get a toy! I'm the best mommy ever!"

False.

Once they were cake-popped, we headed to the toy aisle so that Number 1 could buy a toy. This culminated in walking up & down the aisles four times to be sure she picked out just the right toy. Number 2 & Number 3 were over it. More weeping & gnashing of teeth. "PICK A FECKING TOY OR I WILL TAKE YOUR MONEY." A toy was chosen. She chose every mother's worst nightmare: choking hazards Shopkins.

I needed two things: a 3-hole punch & dishwasher tabs, a quick pop-in shopping experience.

False.

After 30 minutes of yelling and whining, we finally circled our way back to the front of the store to grab the TWO ITEMS I actually needed. This is the moment that, for no particular reason, Number 3 loses his ever-loving shit and tries to hurl himself out of his seat and onto the Target tile where he will inevitably need stitches. Crocodile tears and hysterical screaming ensue. People definitely think I'm kidnapping him.

We finally make it to the checkout where I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. No Target card. FECK.

I have left it at the returns counter. We load back up, race over to the counter where the customer service rep rolls her eyes and hands me my card. "I wondered when you'd realize..."

We head back to lane 5 and throw our shit on the belt. I am now holding Number 3 who is wiping copious amounts of snot on my shirt, and am now trying to finagle Number 1's money out of her purse. She proceeds to get angry that I didn't give the cashier ALL of her money. "I didn't want any leftover." DAFUQ?

We buy her damn toy that she had to have, and it's finally my turn. I have sweat dripping from my pits and my under carriage. I shove the card in the chip reader and ask the cashier why they don't carry wine at this Target location. She chuckles. I whip my cart out of the line and walk as quickly as possible to the car. Number 3 refuses to sit down and stiffens his body. Number 1 is screaming at the top of her lungs about opening her damn toy. And Number 2, in typical middle child fashion, is singing to himself. I shut the doors, lock us in, and the tears well.

It's white noise and yelling and crying until we pull into the garage. Number 3 refuses to get out of the car and closes himself in. I carry Number 2 inside, Number 1 beelines for her room, and finally, Number 3 realizes he's scared of the dark garage.

Cartoon on. Wine bottle in hand. Head for the bathroom for a good cry.

An hour. This.was.all.in.one.fecking.hour.

Please send wine. I'm running low.

The Best Damn Bachelor in Paradise Recap | Week 5

In what can only be described as a teenage girl pissing match, BIP opens on Crazytown and Caila marking their Jared territory. Why we are fighting over a guy who cannot grow a proper beard is beyond me. Ok, yeah, he's adorable, but for the love.

Caila: He loves you like a sister.
Crazytown: I want to scratch your eyes out.

Nothing is gained from this conversation. In fact, America has gotten dumber after this conversation.

Ashley cries.

The only thought running through  my head during both of these episodes is that Ashley is certifiable. Like, where is Dr. Drew when we need him. This girl needs some mood stabilizing drugs ASAP. And maybe in bulk quantities.

She's on a tower before year's end. 

The best thing about this entire week was Wells. Ashley realizes she may be able to get over Jared by becoming obsessed with this pencil who weighs 100 pounds, dripping wet. Everyone is paired up, so the entirety of the group, including senor bartender, is pushing Ashley onto this poor man like the Saturday night special from a hooker. The island cheers as Wells, shockingly, chooses Ashley to take on the most boring, asexual, vanilla date in Bachelor history. 

Jami shows up with her lioness hair and sweeps Nerdboy off his feet. The ultimate guy's girl, she hops in a dune buggy IN A WHITE T-SHIRT no less, and they tough mud it over to a waterfall where she talks nerdy to him and they makeout. 

Everyone fears Ashley's reaction, but it only gets worse when Shushanaananana shows up the following day with a lady boner for Wells. 

I, literally, can't even. Is he a secret millionaire?

Carly & Evan. I don't get it. They go to a sweat lodge so he can get horny?

Then, we forced to see his black box boner for the rest of the episode. I was starting to think that maybe he went into the erectile dysfunction specialist field because his erectile is dysfunctional. 

Lo and behold, the Mexican witch doctor was able to smoke the gopher out of its hole.

Oh, right. The twins excuse themselves as dramatically as is humanly possible from the show. They can no longer force themselves to make out with Damn Daniel yet another week. In an effort to make everyone feel as shitty as possible, the Twins pull Lips away from the Abuser to tell her that she had better get some good foundation to cover her black eyes. 

Lips cries, tells Josh that people say he has a temper, and he jumps up to scream at the group. Way to lay those "lies" to rest. 

Lips realizes that she provoked Josh and it was all her fault and she will never question him again. This is so textbook that I'm getting bored.

Lace has her inevitable meltdown, pushes Grant away, they fight, make up, and they resume their dysfunctional AF "relationship."

Caila has had it with the bullshit. She tells Jared she's leaving, and he can come along if he chooses. She packs her bag, he finds Ashley, and finally, sort of yells at her and tells her to back off, but then he hugs her, so they are just the worst.

He starts running after the car that Caila has started up the road in, and says he chooses her.

Their relationship lasted six long weeks.

I will not miss the chicken pecking.

And now, we wait. Proposals? Break-ups? Black eyes? And Nick, The Bachelor. Way to ruin the ending, ABC. I really thought Nick & Jen were forever.