The Best Damn Bachelor in Paradise Recap | Week 5

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In what can only be described as a teenage girl pissing match, BIP opens on Crazytown and Caila marking their Jared territory. Why we are fighting over a guy who cannot grow a proper beard is beyond me. Ok, yeah, he's adorable, but for the love.

Caila: He loves you like a sister.
Crazytown: I want to scratch your eyes out.

Nothing is gained from this conversation. In fact, America has gotten dumber after this conversation.

Ashley cries.

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The only thought running through  my head during both of these episodes is that Ashley is certifiable. Like, where is Dr. Drew when we need him. This girl needs some mood stabilizing drugs ASAP. And maybe in bulk quantities.

She's on a tower before year's end. 

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The best thing about this entire week was Wells. Ashley realizes she may be able to get over Jared by becoming obsessed with this pencil who weighs 100 pounds, dripping wet. Everyone is paired up, so the entirety of the group, including senor bartender, is pushing Ashley onto this poor man like the Saturday night special from a hooker. The island cheers as Wells, shockingly, chooses Ashley to take on the most boring, asexual, vanilla date in Bachelor history. 

Jami shows up with her lioness hair and sweeps Nerdboy off his feet. The ultimate guy's girl, she hops in a dune buggy IN A WHITE T-SHIRT no less, and they tough mud it over to a waterfall where she talks nerdy to him and they makeout. 

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Everyone fears Ashley's reaction, but it only gets worse when Shushanaananana shows up the following day with a lady boner for Wells

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I, literally, can't even. Is he a secret millionaire?

Carly & Evan. I don't get it. They go to a sweat lodge so he can get horny?

Then, we forced to see his black box boner for the rest of the episode. I was starting to think that maybe he went into the erectile dysfunction specialist field because his erectile is dysfunctional. 

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Lo and behold, the Mexican witch doctor was able to smoke the gopher out of its hole.

Oh, right. The twins excuse themselves as dramatically as is humanly possible from the show. They can no longer force themselves to make out with Damn Daniel yet another week. In an effort to make everyone feel as shitty as possible, the Twins pull Lips away from the Abuser to tell her that she had better get some good foundation to cover her black eyes. 

Lips cries, tells Josh that people say he has a temper, and he jumps up to scream at the group. Way to lay those "lies" to rest. 

Lips realizes that she provoked Josh and it was all her fault and she will never question him again. This is so textbook that I'm getting bored.

Lace has her inevitable meltdown, pushes Grant away, they fight, make up, and they resume their dysfunctional AF "relationship."

Caila has had it with the bullshit. She tells Jared she's leaving, and he can come along if he chooses. She packs her bag, he finds Ashley, and finally, sort of yells at her and tells her to back off, but then he hugs her, so they are just the worst.

He starts running after the car that Caila has started up the road in, and says he chooses her.

Their relationship lasted six long weeks.

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I will not miss the chicken pecking.

And now, we wait. Proposals? Break-ups? Black eyes? And Nick, The Bachelor. Way to ruin the ending, ABC. I really thought Nick & Jen were forever.

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