"Don't Stick Your Finger Up There!"

This was said. By me. The other night. It's amazing to me the weird poppycock {I used thesaurus.com to find a better synonym for shit} that comes out of my mouth as a mom. We all have ideas of what we will say & not say to our children. We vow never to say what our mom said to us when we were acting like a buttwad, and yet, I find myself unable to control the oddities that escape from my mouth. We've all said it. These little miscreants evoke things that make us shout across a room full of well-polished, educated people, "Don't pick your nose & wipe it on the wall!" It's embarrassing, & yet, there's nothing you can do. It's involuntary.

So, thinking back, here is a list of the twaddle {more synonyming} that has escaped from my mommy mouth in the last month.

"Don't stick your finger up there! Poop comes out of there!"
"Don't put your face so close close to the dog's butthole!"
"Quit shoving all that toilet paper in the toilet!"
"Stop dumping your apple sauce on the dog's head!"
"Please don't bend over without panties on. No one wants to see that!"
"Stop drinking the bathtub water! I know you peed in it."
"Stop licking your shoe!"
"Syrup isn't finger paint!"
"Don't play with your toenail clippings!"
"Get the toilet paper out of your butt cheeks!"
"Your bed isn't a jungle gym. You can't stick your legs in the bars."
"Maddie, you can't eat the whole lemon rind!"
After a screaming-yelling tantrum, "Sorry, your real name isn't Maddie Cakes. I named you. Your name is on your birth certificate. It's Madison Brooke."
"Stop spinning in circles next to the table."
"Quit sticking that doll in your mouth. You're going to choke!" One minute later... *gagging* "See, I told you!"
"Watch where you're going! You just ran over that lady's foot!"
"Please don't announce your farts to the world."

I know that if I wrote these down I would have a much longer list. Because the crazy continues. All day long.

What's the weirdest thing you've ever said to your child?



  1. Just imagine why the mother of a boy would say, "If you stop touching it, it will go away."

    Yes. It was about what you think it was about. And it was yesterday.

  2. I'm glad Evan's not the only kid trying to stick his finger up his pooper. Usually when I tell him to stop, he screams and cries "But I want to put my fingers in my butt hole!" Can't wait to tell these stories to his future wife.


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