The Best Bach Recap You'll Read | Finale

Welcome to the Whitney episode. No one came close to talking as much as Whitney in the entire effing episode. My ears are still bleeding.

We open on beautiful depressing Arlington, Iowa. There are cows. There are some dead crops. And there is the Soules family.

Mama Farming loves Whitney's...zest...for Chris & cows. No doubt this stalker is desperately, pathetically in love with Chris. We get it. You like him. I mean, Minnie Mouse is already calling his parents mom & dad... Yeah, no, that's not a red flag.

"What hesitations do you have, Chris?"

"I don't except that I love Becca and I'm going to talk about her for the next 15 minutes even though you're asking me about Whitney."

"Don't you dare forget how much I love you." **Psycho theme plays in the background**

It's been 8 whole weeks and Becca has the audacity to be hesitant & scared & honest about not being ready to pack up & move to BFE. She's obviously the wrong choice because she has a brain.

I don't love many people on this show, but OMGILOVECHRIS'MOM!!! She's such a doll. She points out the obvious to Miss California that she IS in love with Chris. Her feelings are love. Duhhhhhhh!!

"I think Whitney's the sure thing, but I think Becca's who he wants." Aaaand then, he picks Whitney. Ouch. 

In a last ditch effort, Chris begs Becca to be a psycho stalker who is obsessed with him. Her hesitation? "WTF am I going to do in Iowa besides have sex, go to the Post Office for the weekend outing, and milk cows?" 

I have watched many Bachelor seasons. Many. More than I should admit to, but holy shit. This man is hopelessly, desperately in love with this girl. But let's not pick her because she's not ready to be barefoot & pregnant because she has only known you for a few weeks. I have had my carton of milk longer than these two have known each other.

"I'm so excited to see Whitney today. She's just so great. Can you tell by my face how excited I am to see her? Can't.wait."

GIRLS! Stop wearing high heels on a mother furking farm!

In the longest, rambling, ear-piercing monologue, Whitney makes her case for why she's right for Chris while he stares at her & doesn't hear single damn word she said. "I feel all the feelings you were just feeling...too...as well. What?"

In what can only be described as the most depressing final rose ceremony ever, Chris settles.

Then, in one of the least romantic, most unfeeling, unemotional proposals in the history of the world, Chris chooses Minnie Mouse. "I'm madly in love with Becca, but you are willing to move to the middle of nowhere, and be at my beck & call, so I choose you. Will you marry me?"

Boyfriend is in some serious trouble when Minnie Mouse watches all the footage. There is no question that he desperately in love with Becca, but chose Whitney. That's gotta feel good. 

And, in typical fashion, I scream at the TV that I feel jipped & have wasted 2 months of my life on smut. When's the next season start!?

#momsoftarget

JRo doesn't get it. "What is it about that store that is so amazing?"

Listen, my life consists of wiping asses that are not my own, living in constant fear that one or more of my offspring is going to kill him or herself, sniffing around all day in search of  "whatever the hell that smell is," and hiding the fact that my hair is so greasy I could cook with it.

Target doesn't judge. Target understands. All in one beautiful store there are so many beautiful, shiny things to look at. The popcorn smell greeting you as soon as you enter has a nostalgic feel to it. Just a few steps in is a pretty, green lady promising caffeine for just $12 a cup. With Starbucks in hand, popcorn in your cart, it's time for the $1 spot. How do they know how badly we need a miniature terra cotta pot AND a 2-pack of clipboards? I need a pot for the seedlings I got last week in the $1 spot and I may need to clip some shit to a board. They get me. 

If you are one of the fortunate moms to enter Target alone, you are inevitably taking a selfie to document this vacation. 

Some are not as fortunate as you. You know her well. You have been her. She is dressed in something other than yoga pants, her hair & make-up are done, and she's not going to waste that on WalMart. It's 20 below out, but she's sweating when she hits the door. You see her bribing her children with popcorn or a cake pop, as she wipes sweat from her forehead, holding a screaming baby and negotiating with a condescending 6-year-old. You smile at her, offering your condolences that she is dealing with her minions in her holy place. You turn, sip your $12 coffee & smile to yourself, thanking all that is holy that your spawns are at home.

Thank God Target carries beer.

In just 3 short hours, you have bought dog food, a new blender, some chairs for your living room, more yoga pants, probably some shoes, diapers, your groceries, a new necklace, some batteries, a bra that doesn't look like something the cat puked up, a toothbrush, tampons, a new tv, and boxed wine if you are in any of the other 49 states that doesn't participate in prohibition (thanks, Colorado). In peace & quiet. Sipping Starbucks. Alone. 

What's so special about Target, you ask? Everything. Everything is so special about Target. 

If you're a #momoftarget, Instagram your selfie or your maniacs with the hashtag #momsoftarget! Happy Target-ing!

The Best Bach Recap You'll Read | Women Tell All

In what promises to be the BIGGEST cat fight in Bachelor history, we open with drunk Bachelor-viewing parties being crashed by Chris squared. I mean, thank God they weren't anywhere near Colorado because my viewing attire consists of a mom bun, no bra, and stained sweat pants.

The Britt Show

I'm pretty sure the entire point of this girl's existence on the show is to break into acting. I mean, I was ready to give her a standing O for her Oscar-worthy dramatic performance. 

Carly unleashes and calls Britt on the carpet about EVERY.THING. 

"Carly, I forgive you. I think that this is born out of a place of jealousy. I think you wish you could wear hot pink lipstick. But I forgive you for my piss-poor behavior. This was all your fault that I behaved this way, but I forgive you." 

"We would still be together if it weren't for Carly telling Chris about the things I said. Everyone hates me, and now my life is over. Does my makeup look ok?"

The Black Widow

"After my husband died, I wanted to open myself up to love again, so I came on a game show and then acted surprised when people didn't like me. I was conniving and manipulative, but dammit, I was ready for love."

"Some of the women think that I am condescending and I use big words." I see what you did there. Yeah, no, you're not condescending at all.

If it looks like bullshit & smells like bullshit, it's bullshit. An entire room of women thinks you are nasty, conniving, manipulative, creepy, lying bish, but no. It's them. You are always misunderstood. Yeah. We get it. 

"Please forgive me for being a nasty bish while I bat my eyelashes & act aloof. I have no idea why none of you like me. But I'm sorry if you all felt offended." 

"I have an amazing story." Imagine saying that to your husband's mother. She must love this chick.

Ashley

"Easily one of my favorite contestants in Bachelor history."

"While all you girls were crying & being hysterical, I was picking pomegranates."

The Porn Star

"What do you think went wrong?"

"I have no idea. I don't know why he would have such a problem with millions of men seeing my lady garden."

Chris

Hey, Britt! He sent you home. This painfully awkward hug is only confirming what he thought. Nice try.

Here's where Chris' scorned lovers corner him, ask him how he could do this to them, & make him squirm. 

"How was I supposed to know? You didn't give me any indication. Why did you make me stand through that rose ceremony?" IT'S.A.GAME.SHOW.PRINCESS.

"Why did you say it was awkward? I thought you liked my photos. You should have said let's look at these in private. That would have been so special to me, looking at my porn together. The couple that watches porn together, stays together."

So...Chris Harrison never once asked Farmboy if he was happy, if he was engaged, if he had found love. "We know somebody found love on this show: Whitney's dog." 

This entire season can be summed up in one photo: