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Tuesday, March 10, 2015

The Best Bach Recap You'll Read | Finale

Welcome to the Whitney episode. No one came close to talking as much as Whitney in the entire effing episode. My ears are still bleeding.

We open on beautiful depressing Arlington, Iowa. There are cows. There are some dead crops. And there is the Soules family.

Mama Farming loves Whitney's...zest...for Chris & cows. No doubt this stalker is desperately, pathetically in love with Chris. We get it. You like him. I mean, Minnie Mouse is already calling his parents mom & dad... Yeah, no, that's not a red flag.

"What hesitations do you have, Chris?"

"I don't except that I love Becca and I'm going to talk about her for the next 15 minutes even though you're asking me about Whitney."

"Don't you dare forget how much I love you." **Psycho theme plays in the background**

It's been 8 whole weeks and Becca has the audacity to be hesitant & scared & honest about not being ready to pack up & move to BFE. She's obviously the wrong choice because she has a brain.


I don't love many people on this show, but OMGILOVECHRIS'MOM!!! She's such a doll. She points out the obvious to Miss California that she IS in love with Chris. Her feelings are love. Duhhhhhhh!!

"I think Whitney's the sure thing, but I think Becca's who he wants." Aaaand then, he picks Whitney. Ouch. 

In a last ditch effort, Chris begs Becca to be a psycho stalker who is obsessed with him. Her hesitation? "WTF am I going to do in Iowa besides have sex, go to the Post Office for the weekend outing, and milk cows?" 


I have watched many Bachelor seasons. Many. More than I should admit to, but holy shit. This man is hopelessly, desperately in love with this girl. But let's not pick her because she's not ready to be barefoot & pregnant because she has only known you for a few weeks. I have had my carton of milk longer than these two have known each other.


"I'm so excited to see Whitney today. She's just so great. Can you tell by my face how excited I am to see her? Can't.wait."

GIRLS! Stop wearing high heels on a mother furking farm!


In the longest, rambling, ear-piercing monologue, Whitney makes her case for why she's right for Chris while he stares at her & doesn't hear single damn word she said. "I feel all the feelings you were just feeling...too...as well. What?"

In what can only be described as the most depressing final rose ceremony ever, Chris settles.


Then, in one of the least romantic, most unfeeling, unemotional proposals in the history of the world, Chris chooses Minnie Mouse. "I'm madly in love with Becca, but you are willing to move to the middle of nowhere, and be at my beck & call, so I choose you. Will you marry me?"

Boyfriend is in some serious trouble when Minnie Mouse watches all the footage. There is no question that he desperately in love with Becca, but chose Whitney. That's gotta feel good. 

And, in typical fashion, I scream at the TV that I feel jipped & have wasted 2 months of my life on smut. When's the next season start!?

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