The Best Bach Recap You'll Read | Women Tell All

11:19 AM

In what promises to be the BIGGEST cat fight in Bachelor history, we open with drunk Bachelor-viewing parties being crashed by Chris squared. I mean, thank God they weren't anywhere near Colorado because my viewing attire consists of a mom bun, no bra, and stained sweat pants.

The Britt Show

I'm pretty sure the entire point of this girl's existence on the show is to break into acting. I mean, I was ready to give her a standing O for her Oscar-worthy dramatic performance. 


Carly unleashes and calls Britt on the carpet about EVERY.THING. 

"Carly, I forgive you. I think that this is born out of a place of jealousy. I think you wish you could wear hot pink lipstick. But I forgive you for my piss-poor behavior. This was all your fault that I behaved this way, but I forgive you." 

"We would still be together if it weren't for Carly telling Chris about the things I said. Everyone hates me, and now my life is over. Does my makeup look ok?"

The Black Widow

"After my husband died, I wanted to open myself up to love again, so I came on a game show and then acted surprised when people didn't like me. I was conniving and manipulative, but dammit, I was ready for love."



"Some of the women think that I am condescending and I use big words." I see what you did there. Yeah, no, you're not condescending at all.

If it looks like bullshit & smells like bullshit, it's bullshit. An entire room of women thinks you are nasty, conniving, manipulative, creepy, lying bish, but no. It's them. You are always misunderstood. Yeah. We get it. 


"Please forgive me for being a nasty bish while I bat my eyelashes & act aloof. I have no idea why none of you like me. But I'm sorry if you all felt offended." 


"I have an amazing story." Imagine saying that to your husband's mother. She must love this chick.

Ashley

"Easily one of my favorite contestants in Bachelor history."


"While all you girls were crying & being hysterical, I was picking pomegranates."

The Porn Star


"What do you think went wrong?"

"I have no idea. I don't know why he would have such a problem with millions of men seeing my lady garden."

Chris

Hey, Britt! He sent you home. This painfully awkward hug is only confirming what he thought. Nice try.

Here's where Chris' scorned lovers corner him, ask him how he could do this to them, & make him squirm. 

"How was I supposed to know? You didn't give me any indication. Why did you make me stand through that rose ceremony?" IT'S.A.GAME.SHOW.PRINCESS.

"Why did you say it was awkward? I thought you liked my photos. You should have said let's look at these in private. That would have been so special to me, looking at my porn together. The couple that watches porn together, stays together."


So...Chris Harrison never once asked Farmboy if he was happy, if he was engaged, if he had found love. "We know somebody found love on this show: Whitney's dog." 

This entire season can be summed up in one photo:



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