The Best Damn Bach Recap | Week 9

2:54 PM


Ben rehashes his concerns over his bottom three hoes.


Caila is cold and doesn't know how to love.
Lauren is the closest thing he's ever felt to love at first sight, like a little school boy, chasing after his crush. #swoon
JoJo instant connection to my pants.


Cue the Phantom of the Opera music as Ben climbs some random rocks in a pink shirt.


Caila


The most awko taco date ever. No one is talking until they both start talking about how awkward this date is. 

BenShe's not herself. She's quiet. She's PMSing, Ben.


She rambles and rambles and suddenly vomits out ILOVEYOU. The least sincere, non-romantic confession of "love." 

Caila: I can feel in his breath that he feels the same.
Ben: I'm going to send you home later, so you wanna have sex before I get married to someone else?
Caila: I see fireworks in the sky, in his eyes, in his pants.

No question: they boned.

The morning after...

Caila: Ben can't say that he loves me, but I think he loves me. I felt it - in my vagina.


Lauren

Why is Lauren walking like she has something lodged in her ass?


Lauren: This is one of my dreams: to hold baby sea turtles. Girl's gonna go far.

Ben: I cried talking to your sister about you.
Lauren: I want to have your babies. So do we all.


As gross and stupid as this show is, Ben's genuine belief that Lauren is too good for him gives me all the feelings in my pants.

Lauren is ready to let Ben know she loves him as the Jamaican porn music plays.

Aahhhhhhhh shiiiiiiiiitttttt!! Bennnnnnnnnnnnn!!!! You can't say you're in love with her!!!

Lauren: I love you.
Ben: I love you too.
Lauren: I'm completely in love with you.
Ben: I love you.
Lauren: I love you so much.

Guys, STFU.


JoJo

Ben: Telling Lauren that I'm in love with her, complicates things. Like my contract, so I'll be telling JoJo that I love her today to even the playing field. #sorrycaila

My heart right now is with Lauren, but my pants are with JoJo.

Token waterfall/makeout scene required of each Bachelor season.


JoJo: I do love you.
Ben: JoJo, I love you too.
JoJo: Dafuq?

If I were a psychologist, I would psychologize that Ben has insecurity issues. He needs to tell two women he loves them in case one of them backs out. Thank you, Jason Mesnick.

Let's now awkwardly talk about JoJo's awk-ass family.

Oh yeah, they screwed.

Eww. Morning breath. Gag.

JoJoGetting the words of affirmation means so much to me. We get it: you read The Five Love Languages. Staaaahhhhppp.


Bye, Felicia


BenI'm glad you came to see me because I think we should see other people. More other people.
Caila: I will cut you.
Ben: I can't imagine saying goodbye to you, but goodbye.
Caila: Thank you for the opportunity.

Before she leaves, Caila leaps out of the SUV to confront Ben about why he hit it and quit it. And we all cringe.


Rose Ceremony



Two roses for his two hoes. One stays, no one goes.



Is it me or does JoJo look like she's plotting Lauren's disappearance?

Now we wait two fecking weeks for the finale. Women Bitch About Ben Tell All next week. Though, I'm not gonna lie, I'm really excited to see PsychOlivia again!


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