The Best Damn Bach Recap | Finale

The burning question floating around our Bach finale party was what the hell is shoved up Lauren's ass?

We made it. We made it through 10 episodes of tears, back-stabbing, eating disorders, tears, extensions, tears, group dates, tears, and lust. Ben finally puts us out of our misery, after blurting out two "I love you's" to two different women. I'm sure they both feel so special.

His poor mother. You know she wants to slap her kid upside the head and tell him to pull his head out of his ass. If any of my adult children ever tell me they want to be on this show, I will be pulling a Tanya Harding so they are incapable of walking.

We join the fam bam at Sandals Jamaica and this is all I can think: 

Lauren Meets the Parents

Nothing cerebral happens during this segment. "Ben is like one of the best guys in like the world."

WTF are Ben's mom & Lauren holding hands?!

JoJo Meets the Parents

JoJo decides this is the best time to wear a romper with no bra. #wifematerial

Mama Higgins doesn't hold JoJo's hands, so she's obviously out.

JoJo: Do you want to propose?
Ben: You know how I feel about you.
JoJo: I don't have a question for that answer.

Parental Pow Wow

Ben's Dad: I don't know. Pick one. Lauren is polished, and JoJo has a killer rack.
Ben's Mom: Pick one to plant your stake in and move on.

Lauren's Last Date

The date where no one speaks. They clearly have a lot in common.

Lauren: You ready?
Ben: Yeah
Lauren: Feel good?
Ben: Yeah
Lauren: Stressed?
Ben: Yeah
Lauren: What are you thinking right now?
Ben: You're beautiful.
Lauren: I can tell he's thinking something, but I don't know what he could possibly be stressed out about. It's like he has to choose between two women this week or something.

JoJo's Last Date

I don't know what happened on this date because I was just staring at JoJo's rack for the entire segment. #boobenvy

JoJo: I can't believe you don't know who you're picking tomorrow. Thanks.

Moving from the couch to the bathroom floor would have worked if YOU HAD TURNED YOUR MICS OFF, MORONS!

Ben: You're my best friend.
Lauren: Thanks for friend-zoning me, asshole.
Ben: I love you.
JoJo: But you love her too.
Ben: I mean, yes, but you're cool too.

Ring Shopping

Neil: We have 6 cuts of diamonds. Choose the one that suits her best.
Ben: Oh, shit. I need to choose a wife now?

So, for the first time in Bachelor history, the Bach chooses a ring resembling something that Kanye would propose to Kanye with. 

The Break-Up/Proposal

JoJo steps out of the helicopter first, looking like she's dressed for her island wedding, but sadly, she's about to get dumped...only after she pours out her heart while Ben looks at her like he's about to hurl.

Ben: I love you, BUT...
Ben: Can I walk you out?
Just once, I want to them to be like, NO! Up yours!

Ben is given a quick bathroom break between his breakup and his proposal. 

The best part about this whole show was ruined by one of my girlfriends' husbands: 

Yeah, I'm sure he called Lauren's dad all on his own. The producers had nooooothing to do with that.

If he says, "You're my person, one more time, I will cut a bitch.

Stay tuned for the After the Final Rose recap...

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