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Tuesday, January 3, 2017

The Best Damn Bachelor Recap | Week 1

It's the season we've all been waiting for. The skeeze ball of all skeeze balls has officially been declared The Bachelor.

Image result for the bachelor nick

I implore you, ladies. Do not be fooled by those washboard abs. Yes, they are stunning. Yes, the beard makes him look like a delicious human, but beware. He is the same Nick Viall. This is the same man who has been rejected more than anyone in Bachelor history.
So many trainwrecks, so little time.

Let's get down to it with the top fools of the night:

Sharkphin. Is she drunk or stupid is the question. Alexis not only walks up the path in sparkly heels, but a shark costume and wears it all.night.long. No cocktail attire hidden underneath. And oh, Alexis, Joel McHale would like to set something straight for you: “It’s a f—ing shark costume,” McHale declared. “Those are gills. Sharks breathe water. To stay alive, they must move the water through them. Dolphins breathe air. Thank you. You’re welcome, America.”

One-night stand girl. He has no idea who I am, so I am going to miss with him. Oh, wait. Just kidding. You wanted to pump him and dump him, and then didn't even leave a tip on the dresser. Nick: 1, Liz: 0.

Corinne. While many of the women made no bones about the fact that they would jump Nick's bones on the spot, Corinne appears to be leading the slut pack. She may "run" a multi-millionaire dollar conglomerate, but she didn't say which one. Perhaps an escort service?

Danielle M. Go home now, girl. You're too good for him and we all know it.

Balls. Oh, Jaimi. Announcing to your crush that you have balls when he is not only clearly heterosexual, but a man whore, may not have been the smartest move.

Josephine. Our taken bat-shit crazy housemate.

Raven. Oh, Raven. What to say. The accent is to die. But. I wish there was a makeover phase like in Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team. Let's strip that tar out of her hair and find her natural hair color. Raven. Is that on purpose?

Vanessa. I like her. I do. She's smart, poised, sophisticated, and way too good for Nick. If he's smart, he'll marry up. He's not, so he'll probably walk away with Corinne.

At the end of the evening, Rachel was given the first impression rose, mostly, I think, because he was afraid she's punch him with her chiseled arms if he didn't hand it to her. A bunch of other women made the not ugly cut, and we will be forced to learn about their boring lives (i.e. Pilates instructor) in the coming weeks.

Who would you have given the first impression rose to?

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