The Best Damn Bachelor Recap | Week 3

4:53 PM

Cocktail Party

The night starts with Nick doing damage control after dropping the Liz/sex bomb.

All the girls: OMG. I just can't even and I just need to see if I'll feel better if we have sex too.

Some blonde girl: I think the meaning behind his actions shows his intention now. 

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In comes Ho-rinne with a conveniently placed Whipped Cream can. I took a shower after this scene.

I mean, this is the girl you want to bring home to Mama. #wifematerial

Nick: I want to bone this girl while respecting the other girls in the house. That's possible, right?

The tears begin flowing as Nick rejects her sexual advances because he needs to make out with the rest of the women in the house.

Rose Ceremony

The rose ceremony begins and all I can think of when he chooses Astrid is this scene from The Office: 

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Astrid, Taylor, Whitney, Christina, Danielle, Rachel, Vanessa, Raven, Jamie, Dominique, Sarah, Alexis, Brittany, Josephine, and Jasmine draw the short straws and are chosen to stay for another week of whoredom.

Backstreet Grandpas

Chris Harrison comes in the house to announce the next date. This is, literally, the only time in his life an entire roomful of women will hoot & holler when he walks in a room.

"Everybody" starts playing as the Backstreet Grandpas stroll in the door. Suddenly, I feel nostalgic and geriatric.

It's also shocking how the choreography comes screaming back to you even 12 years later.

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Literally, none of the women give a shit about Nick Viall on this date. 

Corinne: I'm not a cry baby whenever the attention's not on me, but I'm not getting any attention right now, so I'm crying.

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I'd like to stop here and say that I both hate and am totally jealous that Corinne has a nanny. 

Date with Vanessa

I really want to go on a Zero-G plane. Maybe at RCD. They bounce around weightless and try to make out simultaneously. It seems bumpy.

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Then, she yacks. In a bag. With him staring at her. Dafuq!

And he still kisses her post-yack. I'm out.

Group Date

Is it possible for anyone on this show to not scream as they head to a date? I thought we were out of high school.

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Nick runs the gamut of Carl Lewis' accomplishments, clearly reading from a cue card because you know none of these bimbos know wtf he is.

All you need to know is that Astrid needs a more supportive bra.

Pool Party

Nick decides he doesn't want to have a formal cocktail party, but would rather see all the women in bikinis. I can't think of a better way to find your wife than by sizing up the women in bikinis.

Corinne "orders" a bouncy castle for she and Nick to jiggle their parts near each other. For all the world to see, Corinne mounts Nick and we all feel so uncomfortable.

Vanessa is the only one with the balls to call him on the carpet in regards to Corinne: Are you looking for a wife or looking for someone to f*** around with? Because at that point, I'd rather you just not give me a rose.

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