The Best Damn Naked Cake

I used to be fat. Real fat. Being that I once was fat, the fat girl inside of me has never gone away. She loves cake. She may have eaten a second piece of this cake yesterday when no one was watching. 

I like pretty things. Shiny things. I'm a girl. Girl + fat girl = cake. The math is so obvious.

This cake is easy. It looks impressive and you barely lifted a finger. Try it. Impress that bitchy mother-in-law. 

Yes, I used store-bought cake. Get over yourself. 

Be sure that your children are climbing into all of your cabinets and pulling out as much shit as is humanly possible. This is key to making this delicious cake.

Make the cakes as directed. I used 8" round pans, and filled only halfway. Take each layer out, let cool, wrap tightly in Saran wrap and freeze overnight. 

Pull your cakes out about an hour before you want to frost. Unwrap & let defrost. 

Place layer one on your cake plate. Be sure to put the part of the cake that looks the least disheveled in the front. Hide the mess in the back. Drop a big ass blob of frosting on layer one. Spread. Duh.

Drop on layer 2. Big ass blob. Spread.

Layer 3. If I have to tell you what to do next, you're too stupid to bake a cake. Read a dictionary instead.

This is optional, but you'll want to do this step. Slap some powdered sugar on the sides of your cake. This will mask your shit storm. It will cover up all of the places where little bits of cake flaked off.

Oh, and clean up your cake plate. We're not animals.

Top with whatevs. I saw a naked cake the other day with just the top of a pineapple on it. I chose strawberries and blueberries because #murica.

Be sure and take an artsy picture of your cake and send it to people. If you don't Instagram it, it didn't happen.

Tag me on Insta if you make this pretty thing. I love seeing people try my stupid, easy recipes, and pretending like it was really difficult. Ain't nobody gots to know. 

Happy Independence weekend, y'all!

Best Damn Bachette Recap | Week 7

This week can be summed up in one sentence: Gosling 2.0 acted like a bitch baby and he still got a rose because he's hot.

Awk 2 on 1

Kentucky gets the rose. The Douche goes home after admitting he cheated on his wife with a man.

Any girls ever have this problem? Yeah, no.

This is Gosling only knowing that she is dating other dudes. Shit gon' hit da fan when he hears she boned The Serial Killer. Anyone else having that feeling of, "run the hell away?"

And hey, Kaitlyn! Maybe don't tell Gosling that he's the one, and then go make out with other dudes and, oh, that's right, bang one. 

Cut to most awk cocktail party.

Benzie takes her outside & they make out. He, obvi, sucked and she sends him on his way home. Maybe he should have mentioned the dead mom thing?

Kaitlyn: Hey, if you could keep this on the DL?

The Serial Killer:

Rose Ceremony

Benzie & Tanner go home. How Tanner made it this far is beyond me. Who did he tip to stay on?

Road trip with Vendetta

The fake date consisted of driving and kissing a rock that millions of other people have kissed. I just threw up in my mouth.

Kaitlyn's Come-to-Jesus

When the shit hits the fan, we call in Dr. Chris Harrison. 

Chris: "If you could maybe pretend that you like the other guys, that'd be great, mmkay?"
Kaitlyn: "OMG. I never thought of that! What would I do without you?"

Chris: "Also, you're not going to meet families next week: you get to bang 3 dudes, and then shake their mom's hands. Even Steven."

Cupcake

It's all she can do to not touch him.

Cupcake: "I can tell she's so excited. I'm so lucky she chose me for this date."

Kaitlyn: "Let's take our love to the edge. I'm going to dump you and then you are going to throw yourself off this cliff. Byeeeee!"

He is going to make some man very happy one day.

Until next week, kittens!

Best Damn Bachette Recap | Week 6

Let's be honest: the only reason you watched this episode is to see who Kaitlyn bangs.

However, if you care about the other minutia, continue reading.

Captain Hook is still in the middle of his psychotic break. He's offended by the low IQ in the frat house, offended by Kaitlyn's lack of depth. That's weird. I thought this show was known for it's reality & depth.

The Serial Killer slithers in as he sees an opportunity to manipulate Kaitlyn. 

Rose Ceremony

Kaitlyn: "You guys, he called me shallow. Can you believe that?"

"::GASP:: NOOOOO!" 

Lips & JoshUA go home. No one is sad. Except JoshUA. He's leaving without half of his hair.

Dublin

We're in Ireland because you can't fall in love in just a regular town in the United States. It's impossible.

The first one-on-one goes to The Serial Killer, & he, accidentally, put on Kaitlyn's pants. 

Nick: "Kaitlyn looks sexy. Super sexy." No, she's wearing my grandmother's sweater.

The entire date is foreplay. Making out against walls, making out in churches, making out in pubs. Hands.Everywhere. 

Nick: "I didn't realize how horny emotional I would be meeting you." 

If you haven't watched a show with your mother-in-law, while two people are going at it with their microphones turned up to deafening levels, I invite you to try it. What a wonderfully bonding experience. False. I wanted to smash my coffee cup on the ground, and stab my eyeballs out with the shattered pieces. 

Shawn: "He's been in this position before. He knows what to do." That's what she said.

After what seemed like an hour of moaning & heavy breathing, we cut to Nick's walk of shame while Kaitlyn suddenly feels guilty.

Kaitlyn: "If Nick tells the guys, I'm going to have to sleep with all of them to make them stay."

Creepy Irish Wake

Chris Harrison: "The worst has happened: Kaitlyn banged Nick is dead."

V for Vendetta: "I just feel better being alive when I'm with Kaitlyn." 

Cupcake: "Even when Kaitlyn's dead, she makes me laugh."

Tanner: "In case you forgot, my name is Tanner."

Benzie: "Don't forget: my mom is dead. In a box. Rose, please."

Gosling goes for the emoshies: pictures of his nieces, nephews & dog. 

V for Vendetta gets the rose. 

Gosling cries.

Gosling: "Kaitlyn told me the other night that I'm the one." 

The Cranberries have nothing better to do anymore, so they sing for Kaitlyn & Vendetta.

Gosling has had it. He's going to confront Kaitlyn because he "can't do this anymore."

For the first time in Bach history, someone is actually eating.

Kaitlyn: "Shit. We're not supposed to eat on this show." 

Until next week...