A ray of sunshine

I know this little girl who has changed my life. She's a red, curly-haired little doll with a lot of spunk & sass, & a direct connection to God. When I dreamed about the baby that I was growing, I hoped for a little girl. A little blonde-haired, blue/green-eyed beauty like the one I already had. She would have giant, chipmunk cheeks & chubby legs. I didn't know that as I was wishing & hoping for that little girl, that a different little girl would give me everything I'd been hoping for. Her sweet, soft, open heart would hear the voice of God, & touch a mama's heart so deeply. She had no idea that her picture & words would give a mama the hope & peace she needed when her entire world was collapsing in. Again. 

I received a text after I wrote the post from my dear friend, Lexi. This is how the conversation went:

Lexi: Can I bring u a meal on Thursday night? I won't take no for an answer unless someone else is bringing you one...So, in other words, what time works?

Me: Lol! That would be lovely. 

Lexi came over that Thursday, loaded down with bags, smiling, her darling daughter, Adley, in tow. Maddie came toddling out of the back room, having dumped an entire Coke down the front of her clothes, but so excited to have a friend. Like any good mama, I shoved everything that had been in the living room or hallway on our bed, with no intention of anyone opening our bedroom door. Maddie promptly led Adley into the bomb room. Thank you, child. We'll work on how to hide our messes later on. 

Lexi & I went to the kitchen, & she began pulling out amazing burritos & fixin's. She pulled out a card that Adley had made, & told me there was a story behind. We stood in my kitchen, tears rolling down our cheeks, as she relayed the story of how Adley came to make my card. This is her story:

"I asked Adley to ask God what He would want her to draw for you after I told her that you lost your baby in your tummy. Her response when I asked if we should ask Jesus was, "I already did mom (none of this probed by me). God told me to draw her a picture of a baby because He is going to give her hope & a new baby. He said it's going to be a girl with yellow hair. He said that her baby (the one you lost) is very special. God said he loves Andrea."

I cannot tell you how this sweet card has given me peace. I want another baby, but now is not the time. And, in all honesty, I believe whole-heartedly that no matter when we decide the right time is, God is going to give us that little girl that we want. And a 5 year old girl, hearing the voice of God, is the reason I feel such hope. 

Lexi, thank you for your friendship, & for your care & concern for me. Your kindness means the world, & I won't forget that evening standing in my kitchen with you. Thank you for raising your daughter to hear the voice of God. I can only hope that Maddie (and my next yellow-haired girl) hears God's voice, & blesses someone the way your daughter has blessed me. I love you, girl.

a.

Enjoying the fall things

Oh blog, how I've missed you. And yet, I have been so terribly uninspired to write. I've started & saved drafts, & have never come back to them. I wanted to write, but the incessant cursor blinking at me was a road block, taunting me to write, yet my fingers would not move.

As fall creeps its way in, we have slowly began settling back into our routines. Busyness has slowly replaced what last month left in its wake. The sadness has dissipated, & although there are moments that knock the wind out of me, each day wakes up with a new freshness & lightness.

We have been hit by the rogue waves of having a toddler. My cute, bubbly, giggly, blonde-haired, doll baby has learned she has a will & wants independence. The girl who asks desperately every night for a kiss (said with the most darling lisp), still needs bedtime 'nuggles, & likes to "rocky" her babies to sleep, has a flair for the dramatic. And I have no idea where she got it from. Our most recent grocery trip involved a scream that pierced anyone's eardrums in that store, followed by her yanking my hair. And all the while, an elderly lady observed how I handled the situation. I took away the kitty jammies she was holding & told her to calm down. The lady applauded applauded me. I felt a slight victory...having defeated a toddler's antics.

The fall has brought with it the anticipation of really fun things. A new women's Bible study in a cozy basement, surrounded by a group of women, who have touched me & surprised me beyond what I had ever hoped. Each week we gather around the refreshments to see which Pinterest recipe is on the table for us. We leave soon for a girls' trip to celebrate a milestone with very dear family. The most important part of that being that we look cute, obviously. This 80-degree weather has really put a damper on my need to dress me & the kid in boots. This trip will help me get that out in full swing.

Quite possibly the cutest baby boots I've ever seen.

What I'm really trying to say is that Stella's got her groove back. I had a choice a couple of weeks ago to give into the hormones & the sadness, & let it inhabit me for a while longer. No thanks. It's fall. I have too much to do. And I am going to enjoy this time. We're pulling out the pumpkin puree & gettin' sticky & messy. We're visiting multiple pumpkin patches, & we are going to find an apple orchard. We're doing fall right. And the woes of last month can shove it. We're movin' on.

Go enjoy this fall day. It's incredible out today.
a.

Rainy Day

This week is hectic. Today is the worst. A million things to do in preparation for a new Bible study. Errands to be ran, copies to be made, coffee cakes to bake. I'm exhausted typing this now, but, to be honest, the rain has made this day harder. I want nothing more than to sit on the couch, listen to the rain, & watch Elf with Maddie on repeat for the rest of the day. I already crocheted this morning, so at least I did some rainy weather activity today. We've had to redo some funky hair dyeing, TWO bath tub poops (both Maddie), & the doctor called. No news. Everything's fine. I should probably be jumping up & down for joy, but I'm so not. I wanted something to be wrong so we could fix it. I'm just broken & we can't fix it. That's what you want to hear.

In a few minutes, I'll be heading out & getting back to my crazy day, running more errands & finally settling in to get ready for the group of girls I am anxiously awaiting for our study. I've been running like crazy, flustered at this monster of a day, but I couldn't resist. My mom bought my girl an amazing rain slicker with matching boots. The puddles called out to us, so we bundled up & went out back. My curious little kitten was timid for all of 5 seconds before she was splashing & squealing. Oh, I needed this reprieve.

She thought she heard an owl hooting.

Get yourself a slicker like this. I need one. I think it would make rainy days so happy. Off to spend a great night with some great girls. Put some boots on & go play in the rain. It's wonderful.

a.

Happy Friday

Fall makes me giddy. The smell of pumpkin spice burning in my house must have some kind of pheromone in it that perks me up & makes me tingly all over. So, yes, the pumpkins are out, the fall wreaths are hung, & pumpkin spice is wafting through the house. This year, it's getting me moving. It's encouraging me to get back into our routine. I've gotten out of the habit of asking Maddie what she wants to do every morning. I've gotten out of the habit of making our days about her. I've gotten out of the habit of thinking about someone other than myself. It's taking a while to get my groove back, but the seasons changing seem to be helping. I'm tired of feeling selfish. I'm tired of feeling floopy & off my game. The promise of trips to see family, of pumpkin patches, of making my girl a Halloween costume? Oh man, the girl I used to be is coming back.

Yesterday, we got out to have fun on purpose. The fun started when I walked into Maddie's room. Nothing inspires me to get out of the house like a hot mess like this.

Girlfriend decided she was going to pick out her outfit, & her little toddler mind delivered one of the best creations I could have hoped for. I secretly wanted this for a long time. Having a little girl has so many whimsical, dreamy aspects that I have hoped for since I found out I was having a girl. I have dreamed of ballet classes, tutus, saddle shoes, and yes, a little girl who picked out her own clothes that makes her look homeless. I love this homeless kid. She makes me smile.

One thing I want my girl to learn is to love people. Loving people pulls you out of your poor-pitiful-woe-is-me sass, & makes you a better person. There is always a place to wallow, but those days should be few & far between. How amazing does it feel to make someone feel special & important? Doesn't it have such an amazing effect on your outlook? Doesn't it give you a pep in your step to tell someone that they look nice or that you just appreciate the crap out of them? So, we're starting small. Getting back to making my girl feel that way. If she feels that way, she's going to want other people to feel that way. She'll want to do nice things for people because it's good to do that. We're doing that. From now on. Once a week. It's a challenge to myself. My selfishness gets to take a back seat. Maybe we'll make cookies for someone, or maybe we'll write a little love note to someone we love. Nothing cures a funk like making someone you love happy.

It's time to decide to pick out all the happy in the day. Happiness is contagious. The time for funks is gone, & we're going to spend our fall days being happy. And what is happier than red jeans & mint shoes?

Get out of your funk & go make someone smile. Buy them a coffee & write a love note on it. I dare ya.
a.