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Tuesday, February 24, 2015

The Best Bachelor Recap You'll Read | Week 9

It's fantasy suite week! We KNOW Chris is excited. "If I'm gonna feel confident in getting on one knee & proposing to someone, I'm gonna need to make sure she knows how to operate my farming equipment." 


Kaitlyn


"I'm feeling the feelings you have when you are falling in love." In what appears to be the sweatiest place in the world, Chris meets up with Kaitlyn to balance baskets on their heads & to film Outbreak 2 with 48975938745 monkeys. "I wish I could be more like a monkey." Yes, don't we all.

"I'm feeling a lot of feelings towards you, and I feel like all these feelings are scary, but it feels good."

"I am extremely excited for this night not to end." I'm guessing he needed to sit for a minute before getting up to head to this night's romp.

Whitney


In typical Bachelor fashion, one couple has to do the cursory tiny bikini boat jump, and really, thank God they finally jump because my ears are bleeding listening to her squeaking on about her overprotective sister and how she's in love with Chris and yada yada yada. I think Chris suggested jumping in the water just to get her to shut up.

"Going into this you have a lot on your mind: boobs."

Back to beating a dead horse, Chris asks Whitney about moving to Arlington & asks her for the 459873957397 time if she's ok with moving there. My one disadvantage is that I didn't see it." "It's...really small." That's what she said.

"I have worked so hard for my career and it's my whole life, but I want to have your babies, so let's move to the middle of nowhere and multiply like rabbits."

"Life takes you places and it's not where you are, but who you're with." I hope you're excited about using outhouses, oils lamps & washing your clothes in a bucket outside.

Becca


Is she wearing pleather shorts?!

Another pervy guru is asked about the dates."We have a big date tonight. What should we do?" 

"Definitely go at it, facing west." Because facing west makes all the difference in my sex life.

Definitely wait until this man is ready to search in his wallet for a prophylactic before you tell him you want to wait to have sex. "I do have something I need to share with you...I'm a man virgin."

And then Chris' brain breaks & he doesn't say a word for about 10 minutes.

"I...um...it's never easy to respond...I...um...I respect that...in a lot of ways...but I'm also annoyed."

"His response was perfect." Yes, that was perfect. He stammered and sputtered for 10 minutes before admitting defeat. Pitter pat goes my heart.

Rose Ceremony


The geishas are all lined up waiting for imminent rejection. In an obvious effort to confuse the audience, Chris takes Becca aside to beat around the bush about nothing. Meanwhile, Minnie Mouse & Canada are snickering about Becca leaving & how they are getting the roses. "My gut tells me he's telling her goodbye." I think you're mistaking hunger for intuition. 


Whitney gets a rose. The virgin gets the rose because he couldn't not give the virgin a rose. Canada heads home after her stomach told her Becca was going home. 

In an effort to help Canada understand what went wrong, Chris offers up this intellectual answer: "There's certain things I don't even understand right now. This has been the most excruciating week of my entire week. I have to make a gut decision that makes no sense, and not know if this is even the right decision. I knew there would be no absolute right decision. I don't know if this is the right thing. This has been excruciating." Yes, for once, Chris, I agree with you. This.is.excruciating.

Cue: angry, sobbing, snotty car ride where the scorned lover whines about how he made the wrong decision and he will regret this.

/end scene

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