Best Damn Bachette Recap | Week 3

Chris Harrison was not shitting us this week. This was the MOST DRAMATIC week in Bachelorette history. The amount of texts, Facebook posts, & private messages attest to how many times we all yelled "WTF?!?!" at the TV last night.

We open on a temper tantrum that would make my 4-year-old blush.

"If I throw a hissy fit, she will want me back."

Rose Ceremony

V for Vendetta, Ben H, Gosling 2.0, Jonathan, Tanner, Cupcake (can we pause for a moment & talk about this nickname? I mean, what man wants that weenie nickname? Let's go with Butch or Muscles or SexGod. WTF!), Ryan, Justin, Ian, Joshua, Joe, Corey, & Buddha.

Group Humiliation Date

"I love Japanese culture - I love sushi."

Instead of frolicking through the San Diego Zoo, the producers decide to put these men in large diapers and let them fight 600-pound men. And Joe, for the love of all that is holy. Stick it back in.

"Kaitlyn, I'm here for you. You have no idea how amazing I am. Why can't we just dance in our underwear and smoke the pipe of our ancestors? Let's just hold hands & sing Kumbaya. I have a lot to offer and you have no idea what you're missing." 

So, the skinny white boys put their diapers on for a crowd & fight. Again. I'm not positive, but I think this might be Clint's favorite group date ever...

Oh, and Buddha leaves because he's tired of fighting & not being appreciated for the amazing specimen he truly believes he is. Don't let the door hit you on the ass.

During cocktail hour, the awkward silence makes all 2 million viewers uncomfortable. Gosling makes the move and scores the rose. "Obviously, you know how I feel about you." And all the girls watching, swoon.

Aaaaand then, we get a glimpse into why Clint has backed off from Kaitlyn. He, apparently, has a crush on The Douche. #breaktheinternet

Your Worst Nightmare

She's afraid of birds?! Birds. Thank you for setting womankind back about 100 years by flapping your arms and having a LEVEL 10 panic attack over pigeons. Mother trucking pigeons.

Benzie gets to act as protector against BIRDS. Birds, people. This has to be one of the stupidest 1-on-1's I have ever had to sit through. They have to get out of this creepy gas chamber or whatever by getting SIX-digit password. Oddly, the password winds up being ROSES. Five letters. Come on, Harrison. Plot holes.

Benzie hasn't cried in 11 years. Robot. 

And by the way, the sympathy rose is overplayed. Enough. Tell her something else about yourself. A dead parent does not a foundation make. Someone should embroider that on a pillow.

Sex Ed

"I kind of learned everything about sex education from our cows." Joshua, you win at life.

"Here's the vagina. Here's the butt. Oh, and here's the vagina."

Ben H. wins sex ed and the rose. I may call him when my kids start asking questions. 

The G Word

In a shocking twist, we find out Brokeback Clint isn't into Kaitlyn, but has taken a liking to The Douche.

In a desperate move to stay with his loverboy, Brokeback makes out with Kaitlyn to secure a rose and another week popping zits in the shower with The Douche?! What?!

Poor Brokeback seems to have read The Douche wrong. It does not appear that feelings are mutual.

To be continued...a-freaking-gain...

What did you think? Who do you hate? Are you shocked by the twist? Leave a comment below with your thoughts & musings!

Thanks to all who entered the Bachelorette tee giveaway! Congratulations to Kacy T. on your new apparel! Email me with your size & address! 

Oh! And if you love hilarious Bach bloggers, check out my girl, Meg, over at All on TV. She's hilarious and awesome!

Until me meet again, kittens.

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