Best Damn Bachette Recap | Week 5

***SPOILER ALERT*** Do not read further if you do not want to see this!

Did y'all see Kaitlyn's "accidental" snap chat??? Accident. Right. Well, I guess if Ryan Gosling's brother was in your bed, you'd want the world to know. Thanks for ruining the ending for us, Kaitlyn.

Back to the drama.

The Serial Killer enters the lion's den. "I'm not here to cause drama. I'm not here to make a scene. Let's be friends."

Tanner lights into him. Relaxicab, T. It's not like you're going to win anyway.

Cocktail Party

The Douche makes one last stand to prove he is a heterosexual. Yes, we get it. You like baseball, you like girls. Loud & clear. Maybe next time you're on a reality show, don't shower with other men if you want us to think you're straight. Just a suggestion.

Gosling 2.0's confidence is shaken. He doesn't open up easily, they have something special, blah blah blah. It's like a montage of all the bullshit lines that each season recycles.

Rose ceremony

Kaitlyn does her mandatory hemming & hawing aboat whether or not she did the right thing by bringing a psychopath onto the show. "Oh, golly. I have no idea if I should send him home because everyone is so upset. I don't know what to do aboat him. Waaaaaahhhh!" And then we all screamed, "WHO THE HELL CARES?!!?"

Sex Ed, Benzie, Gosling 2.0, Tanner, Joe, Captain Hook, The Douche, JoshUA, The Serial Killer. 

The extras go home. No tears are shed.


The budget has tanked. We are traveling to the exotic land of...San Antonio?

The Serial Killer has some wisdom: "We're getting to that point where things are starting to get serious..." Yes, you have been here for all of 36 hours, so it is definitely time to tell her you are falling in love with her.


Sex Ed pulls the short straw & has to take Kaitlyn two-steppin', y'all. Boyfriend better get some after that shit show. And shockingly enough, they aren't eliminated. 'Magine that. "There's something between us that's just so comfortable. I can just imagine throwing on some yoga pants and sitting on opposite ends of the couch, checking social media in silence." 

Sex Ed talks in circles. "This is difficult...this forces me to open up faster than usual...I'm lucky to be here...this is scary...I trust this process..." Do they just keep this shit on cue cards? He gets the rose because they have to have a certain number of dudes each week.

Meanwhile, the bitchelorettes are dreaming of mail. And GASP! A card appears. It's like it was planned or something.

Lips, V for Vendetta, Captain Hook, Cupcake, Tanner, Joe, The Douche, Benzie, JoshUA, The Serial Killer.

Humiliation Date

I have had it with these "dates" where the entire point is just to humiliate the men. They dress up like mariachis, sing despite being tone deaf, and they have to pretend to love every awful second of it or they'll lose out on a rose for not being a team player. Enough already.

JoshUA loses his shit & goes off on The Serial Killer, thus sealing his fate. Shoudla kept your mohawked head down, yo. Nice knowin' ya! "Everyone hates Nick and we don't trust you. Let's go ask them aboat it. They will totally back me up." 



Gosling 2.0 pulls out the big guns: tears. We almost lost our back-up Gosling to a car accident. Don't even lie - you were terrified knowing what we could have lost when he retold the story. Cue: makeout session + the sympathy rose. #nailedit

And out of nowhere, Captain Hook reveals that he is bipolar. The nice, smiley dude has been keeping a secret: he is humongous ass munch with an ego the size of Texas. "I've had so many girls. I'm so hot. She's not even cute. I could do so much better than this uggo. She's obviously such an idiot because she has no idea how great I am. I could be the Bachelor. I am an enigma - a gift you can unwrap for life." Someone get this man a rose. What a fecking catch! "I have so much sex. You have no idea what you're missing. I am really good at it. Just ask me."

"I came here for love. You came here to makeout with a bunch of dudes on television. I don't want to get an STD. Peace."

To be mother effing continued...

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