To My Monster-In-Law on Her 60th Birthday

Q: What is the worst thing an emergency doctor can tell you after admitting your MIL? 

A: Ma'am, we were able to save her!

Here's the thing about mothers-in-law: you're supposed to hate them. They are supposed to make your life worse, criticize your cooking, your housekeeping, your child-rearing, and make you feel like no one (including you) is good enough for her perfect, shitting-rainbows, talented, handsome son. Why he chose you is beyond her.

I first met Cyndi when I was 14 years old. I was fast friends with Josh, and her very first words to me were: "so, you're the girl he's been on the phone with everyday."

Simma, sass face.

Q: What is the ideal weight for a MIL?

A: About 2.3lbs, including the urn.

Cyndi got used to me being around - she couldn't get rid of me, really. Being at their house became part of my daily routine. When I started teaching, I would take my lunch breaks with Dennis & Cyndi for coffee and General Hospital, everyday, without fail.

If you were to ask most people, they would say that traveling with their mother-in-law would have to be one of the worst forms of torture on earth. We've four-wheeled through donkey pee to get to a tequila factory. Have you done that with your mother-in-law?

Q: What do you do if you miss your MIL?

A: Reload and try again.

When Maddie was born, I knew it was coming. Don't give too much. You're not giving her enough. She should sleep with you. She shouldn't sleep with you. I didn't do it that way. 

Instead, I got support. And Starbucks. A lot of Starbucks. And butt pillows.

I'm sorry you have hemorrhoids. Do you want me to get you a donut pillow?

What is the difference between turkey and mother-in-law? 

There is no difference: both are the best when they are cold on the table.

I anticipated a meddling mother-in-law, unhelpful and judgmental.

What I got was a mother-in-law who loves me like I'm her own, a woman who stopped everything in her life to take care of me and Maddie when I was on bed rest for NINE MONTHS with the twins, a woman who is unwavering in her support of whatever I am doing, a woman who counsels me, a woman who prays for me, a woman who makes me laugh, cry, spit, swear, and laugh again, a woman who steps in when there's a need, a woman who loves my kids more than life itself, a woman who is a confidant, a woman who encourages me and rallies me when I'm down, a woman who cares for our kids when we need someone and we don't trust strangers, a woman who organizes my kitchen when I move because I would rather poke my eyeball with a dull pencil, a woman who has seen me at my best and at my worst and loves me all the same.

Happy 60th Birthday to the best mother-in-law on the planet. Thank you for not being a psychotic, meddling mother-in-law. I cannot thank the Lord enough for getting you as a mother-in-law. Thank you for being all who you are and more. 

The Lazy Girl's Guide to Pie-Making

I am the laziest cook/baker on the planet. I want to make pretty yummies, but I would also rather binge-watch Hart of Dixie (just started watching a couple of days ago & I'm a few episodes into season 2...omgggggg!!).

Now, this pie can be made all homemade and from scratch and shit, but I have 3 children who need me to watch them do acrobatics, wipe their disgusting noses, and various other things. The great thing about this is you can take the lazy route and impress the hell out of people. 

You need 4 ingredients. Four.

2 large cans of cherry pie filling, 1 large can of blueberry pie filling, pie crusts, and 1 egg.

Now, most people would take aluminum foil to section off their pie, but I thought I had some and I didn't, so I improvised. You are looking at a brown paper bag, folded up & wrapped in some plastic wrap. #nailedit

Dump in your blueberry pie filling once the cherry is in.

Roll out the other pie crust, cut out some strips for your stripes, and grab your handy dandy star cookie cutters and cut you some stars.

Crack egg and brush it on your crust (helps it turn golden brown). Bake at 400 F for 15 minutes, then 375 F for 45 minutes.

Boom. Done. Easy as pie. People will think you slaved over it, and really you just dumped some cans in a pie pan & turned on your oven. If you have an obnoxious mother-in-law, make this little number for her, throw some real fruit in there, and that psychopath will think you aren't such a bad choice for her son.

Oh, and Happy Memorial Day!

The Twinkies' Birth Story: Part 2

Some parts of part 2 need to be filled in by my husband and my mother-in-law. I was a zombie for most of Friday, so even though I was given loads of information, it has been permanently lost in my brain abyss. As soon as I got loopy right before the C-section, information was no longer clicking in up there.

Jax was born at 12:36pm. He was a gray, bloody mess, but he was a doll. As soon as Dr. P lifted him over the curtain, I was crying. I have mentioned before that I am an ugly cry-er, so I'm sure that Maren's pictures will show you the hideous face I made. They whisked Jax to his warming bed and he instantly began to cry, which made me cry more. Josh stepped over to see him, came back to me, touched his forehead to mine and with tears in his eyes, he said, "he's so cute!"

Jett quickly followed as he was yanked from his spot in my rib cage at 12:38pm. Jett was all arms & legs as Dr. P quickly lifted him up for me to see him. Between tears, feeling barfy and the realization that I just gave birth to twins, it didn't dawn on me that I hadn't heard Jett cry yet. I had a limited view, but I knew that there was a barrage of nurses surrounding the boys, furiously working on a cry. He finally cried. Moments later, the boys were whisked out of the OR and were in the NICU in less than a minute. I happened to be lucky to have been in the dark at this point. I was crying, I was threatening to puke on Josh yet again, and I was busy listening to Dr. P quote lines from the movie "Pitch Black" while he removed placentas, and apparently, some organs, according to Josh.

The once-quiet NICU was now abuzz with nurses and doctors working on getting my boys stable, namely Jett. What wasn't mentioned in the OR was that Jett's cord was wrapped around his body a few times. We were unsure of whether or not he was without oxygen or if he was even getting blood flow back in from his cord. I appreciate that no one acted hysterical or alarmed while I lay on that operating table. I was already taking deep breaths to try to keep the vommies at bay, so hearing that would have flipped me out.

***

I have been waiting for this information for a couple of days, and just asked our AMAZING NICU nurse last night about what happened when the boys came out. Jax was taken out & his nurse, Susan, got him under the warmer and on a C-pap immediately. He responded very well. Jett apparently wasn't done being in utero, so things took a while with him. Before Dr. P pulled Jett out, they found that he was facing the wrong way & had to be turned (OW!) and his cord was wrapped around his arms and legs, and he was gripping it, cutting off blood flow to his little body. He was immediately put under the warmer and put on the C-pap, but had to have a little help getting breathing consistently - he didn't need resuscitation, but he needed more stimulation to get motivated to breathe.

Both of the boys were taken to the NICU, shortly thereafter, where Jett was intubated and given surfactant. Surfactant is used to lubricant the lower lungs to help get them moving on their own. Jax was taken off the C-pap after an hour or so, and was given oxygen through a canula. Jett was taken off his C-pap a while later as well. For the first days, both of the boys had to have an OG tube (oral) for their feedings, but then graduated to the NG tubes (nasal). Jax has ripped his out a million times, and was able to take his feedings by bottle for a couple of days, but he tires out quickly and does half and half now. My little Jett is still relying mainly on his NG tube for his feedings, and is back on oxygen at the moment.

Jax & Jett are doing better everyday. The main thing now is learning to eat. Being preemies, one of the last things they develop in utero is the suck, swallow, breathe routine, and they weren't in long enough to learn it. They are now developing that skill. Jax is able to do over half of his feedings with his bottle before his little body tuckers out and he has to finish through his NG tube. Depending on how awake Jett is, sometimes we try a bottle, but more often than not, I let him sleep during his feedings and opt for the NG tube. His little body is working so hard that it's just better to let him sleep, rather than expend too much energy.

And have you ever seen cuter boys?! Omgeeeee! I just stare at them the whole time I am with them, and then stare at pictures when I'm not with them.

Pray for our litter. Maddie has been sick since Saturday, and I haven't been able to see her. Josh & his parents are taking care of her, but, as a result, the 4 of them are unable to come visit the boys. This was not the transition to twindom that I was hoping for. I was really hoping to make this far less painful than it seems to be.

Thanks for the love, prayers, texts, emails, comments, etc. We appreciate it all.

xoxo,
a.

Mothers (Andrea's blog has been hijacked)

Hello. It's Josh here. Am I allowed to write on a girls blog if I don't talk about unicorns and decorative pillows? Oh well. I will try to 'girl it up' for consistency with the general tone of the blog.

Well today is Mother's day, and I felt it would be appropriate to hijack Andrea's blog so I could brag about her a little bit. Luckily, her blogger password was stored in our browser!

I've been extremely proud to call her my wife lately. What can't she do? A few years back she lost 90 pounds, which I'm sure was not easy, considering her love for McDonald's. After losing all that weight, she began to rapidly change on the inside as well. Her new-found confidence allowed her to conquer her fears and inhibitions to follow a dream to become a photographer. She didn't just 'kinda' do it... she dedicated herself to become excellent. And she didn't just become great at taking pictures, but she pushed herself to grow her business with intelligent marketing and networking. She carried, delivered, and cared for our daughter Madison. That's not so hard right? There are billions of Mom's. Anyone can do it. But not like her. She is a tremendous mother. And now, she has carried our twin boys for many months. If you're are reading this blog you are likely already familiar with that story.

The hardest part about the whole twin process was probably the emotional struggle. It was difficult for her to decide to be vulnerable again considering the 5 miscarriages we had. They were incredibly difficult to endure emotionally, but as you know, enduring is a specialty of hers. She decided we would try one last time, and now our boys have arrived. It has been a challenge. And a bigger challenge starts now.

Months ago, one person asked me if we planned on having twins... an interesting question. If it were possible to plan to have twins, we most certainly would not have. But we are very excited now that they are here with us, and I know that my super-wife is up to the task.

Thanks for all you have endured for our children and I. We love you. Enjoy holding your tiny baby boys on what is sure to be the best Mother's Day of your life.

I also need to recognize our Mother's as well. If you know Andrea, you know how generous she is. She is likely to shower you with gifts and thoughtful gestures. If you don't know, this comes from my Mother in Law, Susan. You would not believe the number of boxes full of gifts, clothes, and toys she sends. It's a weekly occurrence. Susan lives in California, but it is no obstacle. When we need her, she is on a plane the next day. In fact, she's probably on her way to the airport now. Andrea has always been very generous to me, since we became friends in 9th grade, and I'm thankful to my Mother in Law for raising such a generous daughter, and for being there when we need her... like when bringing home TWINS.

And of course... my Mom. Happy Mother's Day. She has been so selfless over the last few months when we have really relied on her heavily. My mom is a rock. Whatever we need, she'll handle it. Can you get us groceries? Sure. Can you pick up something from the house and bring it all the way to Denver? No problem. Can you make us dinner? Of course. Can you watch Maddie every day for the next week? Sure. It's not that she doesn't have things to do, but they always take a backseat to helping us. Whatever I ask her, I know the answer is always yes. But this is my mom. Her joy comes from making other people happy.

Both Andrea and I are blessed with Mother's who are extremely selfless and caring, and we love them dearly. They shall be rewarded greatly with lots of baby holding opportunities. There are two babies to hold, after all.