Stream of Consciousness

When people ask me how I'm doing, I get giddy & bubbly, & say "Oh! I'm doing great! Really getting into the swing of things again." I want it to be true. It's sort of true. It's the moments at night, when I look back on my day, & really think about what the day looked like. I'm not back in the swing of things. I'm still a hot mess. And I say that proudly. I realized, after talking to my mom last night, that as of tomorrow morning, it will have only been three weeks. Three weeks is not that long in the grand scheme of things. We've had so much going on. So much to keep me distracted.

I was appreciative that Maddie's party was the day after my surgery. I was sad, but I was happy. I wanted to have a great day with my girl, & I did. I'm thankful for the full house we've had. It made me focus on other people.

At the end of the day though, I'm still sad. I'm in a fog. I've hardly pulled out my camera. This month won't make a big splash in Maddie's 3 year book...which I started the other day! This month had some really great moments, but on the eve of September, I'm sad. This wasn't the summer I had hoped for. I'm not the mom I started out to be. I'm not even close to the mom I want to be. This fog has pulled me down, & I am just floating. I feel fine during the day - I get things done, I interact with people. It's when I stop & think that I realize that I'm not done being down. I'm not ready to try again. We still have questions that need answers. I want babies, but right now, I just want to feel normal - normal is clearly relative. I want to be more excited to do things with my girl, I don't want to have this snappy little temper that has sprung up. I suppose it could still be hormones. Or it could just be that I'm not giving myself much grace these days. It was easier when I didn't have Maddie to grieve; it was harder when I didn't have Maddie because I was heart broken that I didn't have a baby.

So, no, we're not back into the swing of things. I'm not crying into my pillow anymore, but I'm still a blob on the couch. Maybe the holidays will pull me out of my funk. Maybe fall scented candles & pumpkin lattes will do the trick. Maybe a road trip is the ticket. I don't know. For now, we're making it. I'm fine, but I'm not myself. I kinda liked her. Hopefully, she'll be back soon.

I pulled it back together just in the nick of time for my girl's 2 year photos. We scrambled today to get the dress & the props, but we did it. These are, by no means, glamorous. This is my girl at this silly, frazzled hair stage at 2 years old. She's totally wild & crazy, & absolutely hilarious. She also has moments that seem as though she has split personality disorder. Cute & psycho. That's my girl.

Such a good life. Maybe I need a giant lolli...

a.

The big FAT post

I hate writing about controversial topics. I'm not good at it. I don't want to debate about it. Not that weight loss is controversial, but you usually get some eye rolls with a post about it. I get it - it irritates me to see it too much, but I guess, as it is part of my story, I will blog about it. So, roll your eyes, punks. I don't care. I ain't mad at ya. Because sugar, you can't deny this change:

58 pound difference

I was never good at eating healthy. I was a bean pole as a kid, so I never thought about it. The only thing that I remember is my sweet, gentle, loving Grandma saying "You know, kid, you won't be able to eat 2 Big Mac's & stay skinny forever." I'd pause mid-bite & roll my eyes, only to continue onto the second Big Mac & large fries.

Bean pole status

 Unfortunately, Grandma was right. I started gaining in high school. I was overweight, had to put my large butt in a sexy school uniform with pleated khaki pants, & it was not pretty. So, I did what every teenage girl does...I starved myself. I ate 1,000 calories a day & ran every single day. It worked. I lost 15lbs in a couple of months. I had no idea that this would set a course for the next 10 years of my life. And it wasn't a course that I would wish on anyone.

Post-starvation

I graduated, started college & gained it back. I didn't care. I was dealing with extreme anxiety, & food was the only comfort I found. My parents were separated, I hated school & I had no idea what I was going to do with the rest of my life. They implore you, at 18, to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life. Seems a little stupid to me, teachers. I started teaching preschool, & continued to bounce around on the scale. I did the Atkins diet & lost 30 pounds, only to gain it back shortly after.

Atkins

I was overweight when we got married, but I was ok. I wasn't a beast, but I wasn't teeny. I look back on the photos & wish that I had tried. I didn't. I was working at a horrible salon, with a horrible boss, I was in a new state & feeling out of my element. Food was always there for me. After we got married, I gained 30 pounds (probably more, but I didn't have a scale at that point because who would want to know beyond that). I was spinning out of control. I was teetering on the edge of letting go completely & no longer caring, but being scared to death that this was the path I was headed down. I wanted babies, & I didn't want to be unhealthy. But I really like donuts. Those stupid things get me every time.

Wedding. Duh.

By the time my birthday hit in 2009, I was down 15 pounds & we were ready to try for a baby. By June, I had lost 2 pregnancies & I was devastated. My anxiety had skyrocketed & I was depressed. We were told to wait 3 months before trying again, so I took this time to lose weight. I lost 15 more pounds, got pregnant in November & only gained 16 pounds with Maddie - don't hate.

When Maddie was 3 months old, I was fed up. I was tired of being a mess. I didn't want to be anxious all the time, worrying about my health, & I did not ever want my children to struggle the way I did. So, I started eating right & exercising.

December 2010

Within 6 months from the day Maddie was born, I had lost 45 pounds. I was feeling good. I stayed there for a while, happy, but wanted to lose more. I continued to lose over the next year, but it was only 7 or 8 pounds. I was still trying to lose my last 6 pounds when I got pregnant in June. Not very hard, but nonetheless. A week after the surgery, I was down 6 pounds that my body had apparently been holding onto.

Today, I hit my original goal. I have lost 58 pounds. 58!! And in honor of that, I am showing you my fabulous new dress my mama bought me.

While I am so elated & proud of myself for finally reaching this, my goal of being healthy was the one that was most important. I never had a good relationship with food. I didn't know there was such a thing. It sounds silly to even type it, but I now know that it's true. I never want my children to feel the same way I did about food or about myself. I hated myself. I thought I was worthless because I couldn't get this under control. I want my kids to know that eating good food is fine & healthy. I don't want them to think they aren't allowed to have things, & then hide them from me. That's what I did - I wasn't supposed to have it, so I hid it in my car & ate it when no one was watching. I want them to feel like having treats are perfectly acceptable. It's something that I finally learned. It's not an everyday occurrence, but we will be eating good food around here. I didn't pin all those fall pumpkin recipes for nothin'. We'll be eating them. But we will do it in moderation. Now that I have my weight under control, & I know how to eat & maintain a healthy lifestyle, my kids will know this. This is what their future will hold. Not a mom struggling to get by & unable to help her children learn. I can show them because I am doing it.

~Insert cheesy, triumphant outro song~

It's a good day, people.

a.

Changes

The calm before the storm. I should have known. Things were good. Going along smoothly. I usually have the prickly sensation that change is coming, but I was caught off guard by some of it. A little change is natural, normal, expected. A lot of change all at once is exhausting, maddening & so emotional.

I love watching the changing of the seasons. This tree in my in-laws neighborhood gives me butterflies every time I drive past it. It's August, but the summer is nearing to a close. The mornings are cooler & crisper. I love taking my chai out on the deck & talking on the phone. Love it. And I can do it again, & not be eaten alive by mozzies. These are the changes that I love, that inspire me to write, to decorate, to read a good book. These changes are predictable, carry a sense of nostalgia & comfort with them. There's been a lot of changes this summer. Some great, some bittersweet. Old chapters closing, & new chapters just opening. Saying goodbye to a house we've loved & made me so many memories in, but looking forward to the new house where even better memories will be made. Because we will choose to make them good.

I've met new people this summer that have changed my life for the better, forever. I've grown closer to friends & family than I ever thought or dreamed could be possible. I've shared laughter & tears with these people. I've learned to love more deeply & more richly because of them. They have made me realize that I want to love people, that I want my legacy to be one of love. I want my kids to love people so intensely that it changes people's lives.

Did I know that before this summer? Maybe. Maybe it was in there, but I didn't know how badly I wanted it. I loved our baby. Hopelessly. My heart is broken for the love that I felt for that itty bit, but I'm a better person for having loved hard. I love my family desperately, but I don't get to see them very often. That hurts, but oh well. I've watched friends come & go. It hurts sometimes, but oh well. Maybe all the hurt & sadness was to get me to this point - to love really, really hard. If that's the case, I'm happy to be here.

The summer started with a list of to do's. It started on a note of happiness. A decision to make this the summer to remember for my girl. We accomplished a lot, did a lot of fun things, met some new friends, & ate a lot of good food. The summer is ending with a list of people I'm thankful for. People who make me smile every time my phone buzzes or rings with a call or a text. People who have loved us & who we have loved back.

This summer started with things. It's ending with people.

Don't be offended if your picture isn't in this collage & we spent time with you this summer. Just means I wasn't on my Instagram-ing game. Especially the last 2 weeks...

Thank you to all of you for your kind words, emails, texts, etc. Thank you for respecting our privacy, but loving us from the sidelines. You are cheerleaders in our football game of life << What?! We love & appreciate you all. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

As the great poet Tupac would say:

We gotta make a change...
It's time for us as a people to start makin' some changes.
Let's change the way we eat, let's change the way we live
and let's change the way we treat each other.
You see the old way wasn't working so it's on us to do what we gotta do, to survive.

All my love,
a.

The one with the cake

If you had asked me months ago, when I started working on these streamers, what I thought this week would be like, I would have never believed that so much sadness could be mixed with so much happiness. I would have never thought after all my dreaming that I'd be the one sitting down on the couch, unable to do all the things I had dreamed of & planned for my girl's party. My dreams came together, but it wasn't the way I planned it. But...without further ado...the best place in the house...the dessert table.

 This amazing, beautiful, stunning cake could not have happened without my amazing niece, Megan. Thank you for making my vision come true while I sat & cried while you made it. You will never know what that week meant to me having you & Morgs there. I love you more.

My little 2 year old. She's 2. When did that happen? Isn't she only like 6 months old? My sweet girl had a great day. I love getting up on days where something great is going to happen, knowing that this will be a day that makes her smile. That she will look back & know that this was a really good day.

As the house started to fill up, my sadness slowly slipped away. I started chatting with friends & family who all came to love my girl. I want her to be loved deeply. And she is.

 Cake smash fail. The one moment in time she decides to be dainty.

At this moment, after presents had been ripped open, baby dolls were being drug by their necks through the living room, the cake had been scarfed, I looked around at my full house, squeezed Josh & cried. My heart was so full. My house was full of people that I love deeply. Full of people who love our family, who adore my daughter, & who all asked if they could drop everything & come sit & cry with me or bring me food or be mad for me. Good people. They are amazingly, good people. And they are so deeply loved in my heart. I grabbed my camera, to freeze this moment. Friends chatting with new friends, babies being nuzzled & toys being tossed around. It was a mess, but it was perfect. 

My heart is still grieving, but we're doing it. We have hope for the future. So, while my heart was sad & I missed that little bean that had been growing in me, we partied. Because there ain't nothin' like having fun, celebrating a cute kid to help you move on. For those 2 hours, it was all about her. And it was perfect.

Skype sessions with Uncle Danny & Auntie Rachel, & her Poppi.

Bittersweet

I had a D&C today. I had a D&C today. Saying it & writing it don't connect in my brain. I was pregnant 2 days ago. Or at least, I thought I was.

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I have had a really great week. Some of my favorite people in the world are here. They are here to celebrate my girl. Did you know that my blonde-haired, blue/green-eyed baby doll is 2 years old today? Today. Two years ago, I had the perfect little girl in the world. The perfect baby from Jesus. He gave me more than I ever dreamed I wanted in that girl. She's mine & I'm hers. Forever. Tomorrow, we celebrate her. We celebrate gooood 'round here. Nothing is thrown together here. We plan, Pinterest & raid Hobby Lobby for all kinds of crap to trick out our house for this girl. I live for this stuff. We celebrate big. You love hard, you party hard. It's our motto. We're the Rosenbohms: we love fiercely & we celebrate each other fiercely.

My nieces & nephew came in early in the week to spend time with the family. Let me tell you, I can't get enough of these dolls. They love us & we love them. Fiercely. They love my girl. And oh, how that endears my heart to people. When you love the girl who has stolen my heart, buddy, you will be loved & adored. Fiercely. We spent lots of time going out, having fun, giggling, eating, eating again, & then coming home for some 'nuggles with the baby & Olympics.

Two nights ago, we had a big dinner, & started to make our way downstairs for Olympics. We queued up the DVR, & I headed to the bathroom before we got started. Blood. I saw blood. My heart was pounding in my ears. With tears in my eyes, I walked out & told Josh that I needed to go to the hospital. I was ok. I saw & heard this little baby's heartbeat. We were ok. This was going to be ok. We left our sleepy girl with her grandparents, & quietly headed to the hospital. I had no intention of telling people because this was going to be a night that we wouldn't even remember. I wasn't worried. I told my persons that I needed texting me constantly, & we headed out quietly.

We were admitted immediately - they tend to do that with a crazy, hysterical, mascara-melted face, pregnant girl. Getting situated into our room, we turned on the tv & waited. Blood work, ultrasound, waiting. I wasn't bleeding, so I was confident. This happens sometimes. It was in the ultrasound that I knew. Hot, fresh tears started to slide down my cheeks. After the ultrasound tech lovingly told me she couldn't see my uterus because I was gassy, we switched to the internal. I knew. I watched her face. I watched Josh's face. He saw our baby, but wasn't sure about a heartbeat. My heart stopped. Our baby was gone.

After an excruciating hour of waiting, our doctor, who looked like a lion, came in. He sat down quietly & told me my quants were too low, & our baby no longer had a heartbeat. Our little one had passed 2 weeks ago. I cried, but just the pretty cries that you do in front of strangers. I waited til Dr. Lion left the room, & the first of many waves of grief washed over me. My heart was breaking. I was miscarrying a 3rd baby. This couldn't possibly be my story. My story is supposed to be 3 perfect little blonde babies all in a row. My story is supposed to be happiness. Not more heartache. This was not supposed to be my damn story.

I dressed myself, got in the car & called my mom. That's what you do when things go to hell - mom always knows what to say. But who really knows what to say. There's nothing to say. That's where friends come in - they tell that this sucks & then they buy you junk food. That's why I have Kylie. Kylie always knows what to do & say.

I slept fitfully, waking up for a good cry every hour or so, then woke up early. I needed to tell people. I didn't want to. This makes you feel like you are inadequate. Like you did something wrong. It's not true, but that's how it makes you feel. I missed my girl, & I needed to hold her, so I went to Dennis & Cyndi's to have some coffee & 'nuggle. It was a long, hard, weepy day. This was the beginning of hard core grief. I saw that baby's heart. This one was supposed to be ok. I was supposed to have a baby in March. After phone calls to the doctor, & a long conversation with my cousin, we made the decision that this was going to be too much for me to do on my own. I needed to have a D&C. And I had to do it before my girl's big birthday bash.

While our sleepy little town was still dark, I woke up for one of the most emotionally draining & heartbreaking days I have ever experienced. I had to shave my legs, obviously. And I needed mascara. I was nervous, but ok. You know how Meredith & Christina are each other's person? Well, I had my people. I had my net - they catch me when I can't stand anymore. Once they got me into my room & started asking me questions, a rogue wave of grief hit me. Hard. This was it, no going back. This pregnancy was going to end today. No more daydreaming of newborn smells, of wrinkly baby toes, & cul-de-sac hair. This was it. I quietly answered questions, fresh, hot tears streaming down again. They wheeled me back, as I started to get loopy.

I woke up crying. Weeping. It was over. I wasn't pregnant anymore. My baby was gone. The nurse scolded me for wearing mascara on a day like today. Are you kidding? You can't look ugly for surgery. What if Patrick Dempsey was back there? Duh, nurse. I groggily started waking up. Josh came & sat with me, laughing hysterically at the ridiculous crap that was flying out of my mouth: "I think I could be a drug addict."

It's mid-afternoon, & I've rested most of the day. My net is keeping me close & occupied. The grief is awful today, but it will be better soon. I keep saying "I've done this before, I can do it again." This one hurts more. I can't believe this is happening again. I saw the heartbeat. How the hell did I get here? Again?

Can I tell you something amazing? I have never, even with past miscarriages, ever felt so loved & adored. I am overwhelmed by the flowers, & text messages, & phone calls. My net is catching me. We're the Rosenbohms: we love fiercely. And I am being loved back fiercely. My heart squeezes with every encouraging word. Every tear shed with me. God gave me what I needed. My family & friends are rocking my world. Jesus really loves me. He gave me this incredible group of people that know what to say, or to just keep their mouths shut, or to weep with me.

Today is bittersweet. My precious girl is 2. My other baby is gone. I'm happy to have a large, colorful, over-the-top, 2-year-old's birthday party to throw tomorrow. There will be tears, big, giant, happy tears mixed with tears of grief. It's going to be a journey, but I've done it before...I can do it again.

a.

Stream of Consciousness

I'm in a weird funk. For a while now. I'm just feeling too much. I was not this emotional with Maddie. I don't think. But this pregnancy? Wow. Driving down the road, country music blaring, tears streaming down my makeupless face. Sometimes it's for a reason, mostly it's just an intense awareness of my overly-charged hormones & feelings. That new Gloriana song, Kissed You Goodnight? Makes. Me. Bawl. Hysterically.

So, in an effort to get rid of the crazy, weepy, pregnant girl, I pulled myself together last night, looked at my summer wish list, & pulled the old bread butts out of the 4 packages of bread living in our pantry. Maddie could have a good evening, even if I was having a weepy day. We drove down the street, country music blaring again. I was careful not to say anything about what we might be doing just in case the ducks had decided to avoid us. I didn't want to break the girl's heart before we even got to our destination.

The second we turned the corner, she was screaming "DUCKS!" Girlfriend couldn't get out of her seat fast enough. She took off towards the ducks, me hollering to come get bread. We slowed down as we approached so they wouldn't scare off, & we started tossing bread out. She started getting bummed because they all swam away, so I sat there willing these danged birds to come back, & slowly, they started to swim towards us. It was just us, sitting in the grass, careful not to sit in duck crap, watching the sun dance on the water.

I thought this was it - here was my moment to feel better, to have a moment of clarity & pull my head out. Watching my girl get excited to see duckies & throw bread - that was going to help me. This wasn't it.

I woke up while it was still dark outside this morning. I laid there for almost an hour, tossing & turning. Never getting settled back into my cozy bed. My thoughts were scattered, but it was my stream of consciousness for the moment. I'm not going to feel better after one duck feeding. Maybe changing things up will help, but it's the conscious effort in the moments of downtime that are going to make the difference. Maybe I'll be sad today, but I'm going to fake it. Because I have a little, blonde-haired, blue/green-eyed girl who needs a happy mama. Who needs a mama who can fake it when she's not feeling it because it's the right thing to do. It's all about her, after all. And maybe, one day, she will be a mama too, & she will have learned from me, that you have to fake it sometimes. Because they are what matters.

We got up this morning, did our morning snuggles & we changed it up. We had pancakes. My girl loves pancakes. It's not a lot, but it's a start.

It's the good, weepy life. But it's really, really good with this girl.
a.