Stream of Consciousness

When people ask me how I'm doing, I get giddy & bubbly, & say "Oh! I'm doing great! Really getting into the swing of things again." I want it to be true. It's sort of true. It's the moments at night, when I look back on my day, & really think about what the day looked like. I'm not back in the swing of things. I'm still a hot mess. And I say that proudly. I realized, after talking to my mom last night, that as of tomorrow morning, it will have only been three weeks. Three weeks is not that long in the grand scheme of things. We've had so much going on. So much to keep me distracted.

I was appreciative that Maddie's party was the day after my surgery. I was sad, but I was happy. I wanted to have a great day with my girl, & I did. I'm thankful for the full house we've had. It made me focus on other people.

At the end of the day though, I'm still sad. I'm in a fog. I've hardly pulled out my camera. This month won't make a big splash in Maddie's 3 year book...which I started the other day! This month had some really great moments, but on the eve of September, I'm sad. This wasn't the summer I had hoped for. I'm not the mom I started out to be. I'm not even close to the mom I want to be. This fog has pulled me down, & I am just floating. I feel fine during the day - I get things done, I interact with people. It's when I stop & think that I realize that I'm not done being down. I'm not ready to try again. We still have questions that need answers. I want babies, but right now, I just want to feel normal - normal is clearly relative. I want to be more excited to do things with my girl, I don't want to have this snappy little temper that has sprung up. I suppose it could still be hormones. Or it could just be that I'm not giving myself much grace these days. It was easier when I didn't have Maddie to grieve; it was harder when I didn't have Maddie because I was heart broken that I didn't have a baby.

So, no, we're not back into the swing of things. I'm not crying into my pillow anymore, but I'm still a blob on the couch. Maybe the holidays will pull me out of my funk. Maybe fall scented candles & pumpkin lattes will do the trick. Maybe a road trip is the ticket. I don't know. For now, we're making it. I'm fine, but I'm not myself. I kinda liked her. Hopefully, she'll be back soon.

I pulled it back together just in the nick of time for my girl's 2 year photos. We scrambled today to get the dress & the props, but we did it. These are, by no means, glamorous. This is my girl at this silly, frazzled hair stage at 2 years old. She's totally wild & crazy, & absolutely hilarious. She also has moments that seem as though she has split personality disorder. Cute & psycho. That's my girl.

Such a good life. Maybe I need a giant lolli...


  1. love that little girl and love you.

    these photos are awesome and they are the big SPLASH for August. in place of the photos and adventures you had imagined for this month, write your story - it's big sister's story too. you will make up for the rest this fall.

    and the grief -- no one expects you to be back on your feet acting normal. but you sure are strong, girlfriend. and everyday gets a little easier...and everyday is one step closer to the next one <3


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