Stream of Consciousness10:52 AM
I'm in a weird funk. For a while now. I'm just feeling too much. I was not this emotional with Maddie. I don't think. But this pregnancy? Wow. Driving down the road, country music blaring, tears streaming down my makeupless face. Sometimes it's for a reason, mostly it's just an intense awareness of my overly-charged hormones & feelings. That new Gloriana song, Kissed You Goodnight? Makes. Me. Bawl. Hysterically.
So, in an effort to get rid of the crazy, weepy, pregnant girl, I pulled myself together last night, looked at my summer wish list, & pulled the old bread butts out of the 4 packages of bread living in our pantry. Maddie could have a good evening, even if I was having a weepy day. We drove down the street, country music blaring again. I was careful not to say anything about what we might be doing just in case the ducks had decided to avoid us. I didn't want to break the girl's heart before we even got to our destination.
The second we turned the corner, she was screaming "DUCKS!" Girlfriend couldn't get out of her seat fast enough. She took off towards the ducks, me hollering to come get bread. We slowed down as we approached so they wouldn't scare off, & we started tossing bread out. She started getting bummed because they all swam away, so I sat there willing these danged birds to come back, & slowly, they started to swim towards us. It was just us, sitting in the grass, careful not to sit in duck crap, watching the sun dance on the water.
I thought this was it - here was my moment to feel better, to have a moment of clarity & pull my head out. Watching my girl get excited to see duckies & throw bread - that was going to help me. This wasn't it.
I woke up while it was still dark outside this morning. I laid there for almost an hour, tossing & turning. Never getting settled back into my cozy bed. My thoughts were scattered, but it was my stream of consciousness for the moment. I'm not going to feel better after one duck feeding. Maybe changing things up will help, but it's the conscious effort in the moments of downtime that are going to make the difference. Maybe I'll be sad today, but I'm going to fake it. Because I have a little, blonde-haired, blue/green-eyed girl who needs a happy mama. Who needs a mama who can fake it when she's not feeling it because it's the right thing to do. It's all about her, after all. And maybe, one day, she will be a mama too, & she will have learned from me, that you have to fake it sometimes. Because they are what matters.
We got up this morning, did our morning snuggles & we changed it up. We had pancakes. My girl loves pancakes. It's not a lot, but it's a start.
It's the good, weepy life. But it's really, really good with this girl.