Exhaustion With a Side of Hormones9:58 PM
This last week plus has been a whirlwind. I'm exhausted, hormonal, weepy, punchy, happy, gassy, and in love with my two new littles. I was slightly terrified to have boys because I had no idea what to expect, but man, are they cute and so sweet! As tired as I am, I don't want to stay away from the hospital.
In the last 12 days, the boys have made big strides towards heading home. We had about 9 days where we had minor progress, but we didn't have any regression either. In the last 2 days, we have turned a corner. Jax has been taking his bottles like a champ. He doesn't take every single feeding, but he has a few good ones during each day. Progress! Jett nursed for the first time yesterday & stayed on for about 10 minutes. Today, we tried again & he stayed with it for about 15 minutes. He is slow & steady. He doesn't slam bottles like Jax can, but he slowly ups the amount of milk that he takes from his bottles every few days.
I had no idea how sad I would be to leave my boys each day. The first 2 or 3 days were the hardest. I sobbed & sobbed even thinking about leaving them behind. It's not fun or easy, but I have managed to feel less like a crappy mom each night when I take off for the night. That first night away from them, I let myself heave ugly sobs in the kitchen and let every guilt-ridden thought wash over me. I shouldn't have wished for them to come out so early. I should have listened to my doctor. I shouldn't have been so flippant about being out & about trying to get them to come out. I should be at the hospital more. I should be at more feedings. I should have more milk by now. I should be with my sick daughter. I should be home taking care of my family. I should be at the hospital. I should be awake for more of their feedings. I should be home. The list goes on. Once I had my good, hard, ugly sob, I felt better.
I sat in my bathroom on Monday, pretending to be getting ready, but really having another good cry. I sat on the pot and sent my friend Laura a Facebook message. So classy. I knew I could tell Laura how I was feeling because she had been in the same boat I am now sitting in. Laura had a daughter at home, delivered her son early, and spent weeks at the hospital with her newborn baby boy in the NICU. I typed through streams of tears, begging her to tell me I was semi-normal. She was only too happy to tell me that I was, in fact, normal, and that she felt every hormonal emotion that I was feeling. She, then, offered to come sit with me yesterday. And so, we sat. We rocked babies and chatted, and I felt so much better knowing that I wasn't nuts - I was just a tired mom, sitting in a small room with tiny babies. It's a club, not a club I ever wanted to be a part of, but it's a club that I am now in, and have made other friends along the way who are in the same club. We can all appreciate the tiny milestones that our littles hit because we know how important those milestones are to each of us (I'm looking at you, Christi & Liz).
So, we take the little victories and cheer because, for these tiny ones, they are huge leaps. Each day gets a little better, and, as crappy as it is to think that we have around 3 more weeks of this hospital/home routine we're doing, each day is another day closer to our boys' homecoming.
And yes, I am healing just fine. I have a gnarly scar, but it's pretty cool. I had a lot of pain the first few days, but stopped taking the heavy duty meds pretty quickly. I still have some pain, but it's really minor. I do, unfortunately, have a swing-low-sweet-chariot belly situation going on at this point that I'm not too fond of. I'll have to work on that in my spare time when I'm not taking care of two infants and a toddler.
Keep praying for my little dudes. They are so awesome, and I can't wait for you all to get to know them.