Best Damn Bachette Recap | Week 6

Let's be honest: the only reason you watched this episode is to see who Kaitlyn bangs.

However, if you care about the other minutia, continue reading.

Captain Hook is still in the middle of his psychotic break. He's offended by the low IQ in the frat house, offended by Kaitlyn's lack of depth. That's weird. I thought this show was known for it's reality & depth.

The Serial Killer slithers in as he sees an opportunity to manipulate Kaitlyn. 

Rose Ceremony

Kaitlyn: "You guys, he called me shallow. Can you believe that?"

"::GASP:: NOOOOO!" 

Lips & JoshUA go home. No one is sad. Except JoshUA. He's leaving without half of his hair.

Dublin

We're in Ireland because you can't fall in love in just a regular town in the United States. It's impossible.

The first one-on-one goes to The Serial Killer, & he, accidentally, put on Kaitlyn's pants. 

Nick: "Kaitlyn looks sexy. Super sexy." No, she's wearing my grandmother's sweater.

The entire date is foreplay. Making out against walls, making out in churches, making out in pubs. Hands.Everywhere. 

Nick: "I didn't realize how horny emotional I would be meeting you." 

If you haven't watched a show with your mother-in-law, while two people are going at it with their microphones turned up to deafening levels, I invite you to try it. What a wonderfully bonding experience. False. I wanted to smash my coffee cup on the ground, and stab my eyeballs out with the shattered pieces. 

Shawn: "He's been in this position before. He knows what to do." That's what she said.

After what seemed like an hour of moaning & heavy breathing, we cut to Nick's walk of shame while Kaitlyn suddenly feels guilty.

Kaitlyn: "If Nick tells the guys, I'm going to have to sleep with all of them to make them stay."

Creepy Irish Wake

Chris Harrison: "The worst has happened: Kaitlyn banged Nick is dead."

V for Vendetta: "I just feel better being alive when I'm with Kaitlyn." 

Cupcake: "Even when Kaitlyn's dead, she makes me laugh."

Tanner: "In case you forgot, my name is Tanner."

Benzie: "Don't forget: my mom is dead. In a box. Rose, please."

Gosling goes for the emoshies: pictures of his nieces, nephews & dog. 

V for Vendetta gets the rose. 

Gosling cries.

Gosling: "Kaitlyn told me the other night that I'm the one." 

The Cranberries have nothing better to do anymore, so they sing for Kaitlyn & Vendetta.

Gosling has had it. He's going to confront Kaitlyn because he "can't do this anymore."

For the first time in Bach history, someone is actually eating.

Kaitlyn: "Shit. We're not supposed to eat on this show." 

Until next week...

Best Damn Bachette Recap | Week 5

***SPOILER ALERT*** Do not read further if you do not want to see this!

Did y'all see Kaitlyn's "accidental" snap chat??? Accident. Right. Well, I guess if Ryan Gosling's brother was in your bed, you'd want the world to know. Thanks for ruining the ending for us, Kaitlyn.

Back to the drama.

The Serial Killer enters the lion's den. "I'm not here to cause drama. I'm not here to make a scene. Let's be friends."

Tanner lights into him. Relaxicab, T. It's not like you're going to win anyway.

Cocktail Party

The Douche makes one last stand to prove he is a heterosexual. Yes, we get it. You like baseball, you like girls. Loud & clear. Maybe next time you're on a reality show, don't shower with other men if you want us to think you're straight. Just a suggestion.

Gosling 2.0's confidence is shaken. He doesn't open up easily, they have something special, blah blah blah. It's like a montage of all the bullshit lines that each season recycles.

Rose ceremony

Kaitlyn does her mandatory hemming & hawing aboat whether or not she did the right thing by bringing a psychopath onto the show. "Oh, golly. I have no idea if I should send him home because everyone is so upset. I don't know what to do aboat him. Waaaaaahhhh!" And then we all screamed, "WHO THE HELL CARES?!!?"

Sex Ed, Benzie, Gosling 2.0, Tanner, Joe, Captain Hook, The Douche, JoshUA, The Serial Killer. 

The extras go home. No tears are shed.

Traveling

The budget has tanked. We are traveling to the exotic land of...San Antonio?

The Serial Killer has some wisdom: "We're getting to that point where things are starting to get serious..." Yes, you have been here for all of 36 hours, so it is definitely time to tell her you are falling in love with her.

One-on-One

Sex Ed pulls the short straw & has to take Kaitlyn two-steppin', y'all. Boyfriend better get some after that shit show. And shockingly enough, they aren't eliminated. 'Magine that. "There's something between us that's just so comfortable. I can just imagine throwing on some yoga pants and sitting on opposite ends of the couch, checking social media in silence." 

Sex Ed talks in circles. "This is difficult...this forces me to open up faster than usual...I'm lucky to be here...this is scary...I trust this process..." Do they just keep this shit on cue cards? He gets the rose because they have to have a certain number of dudes each week.

Meanwhile, the bitchelorettes are dreaming of mail. And GASP! A card appears. It's like it was planned or something.

Lips, V for Vendetta, Captain Hook, Cupcake, Tanner, Joe, The Douche, Benzie, JoshUA, The Serial Killer.

Humiliation Date

I have had it with these "dates" where the entire point is just to humiliate the men. They dress up like mariachis, sing despite being tone deaf, and they have to pretend to love every awful second of it or they'll lose out on a rose for not being a team player. Enough already.

JoshUA loses his shit & goes off on The Serial Killer, thus sealing his fate. Shoudla kept your mohawked head down, yo. Nice knowin' ya! "Everyone hates Nick and we don't trust you. Let's go ask them aboat it. They will totally back me up." 

*crickets*

One-on-One

Gosling 2.0 pulls out the big guns: tears. We almost lost our back-up Gosling to a car accident. Don't even lie - you were terrified knowing what we could have lost when he retold the story. Cue: makeout session + the sympathy rose. #nailedit

And out of nowhere, Captain Hook reveals that he is bipolar. The nice, smiley dude has been keeping a secret: he is humongous ass munch with an ego the size of Texas. "I've had so many girls. I'm so hot. She's not even cute. I could do so much better than this uggo. She's obviously such an idiot because she has no idea how great I am. I could be the Bachelor. I am an enigma - a gift you can unwrap for life." Someone get this man a rose. What a fecking catch! "I have so much sex. You have no idea what you're missing. I am really good at it. Just ask me."

"I came here for love. You came here to makeout with a bunch of dudes on television. I don't want to get an STD. Peace."

To be mother effing continued...

Best Damn Bachette Recap | Week 4

You have no idea what I have with JJ.

I need you to know that I'm so mad at your right now, but damn, that tie is hot on you.

The Douche throws Brokeback under the bus and Brokeback is devastated. After all their late night dates, their apparent showers together, and the snuggling, the bromance is over. The breakup is more than The Douche can bear, and he sobs like my 4-year-old daughter after ending his relationship with Brokeback. Then he slaps the shit out of himself, and I spit my coffee out in fits of hysteria. And I thought bitches be cray.

Rose Ceremony

Just kidding.

We head to New York to fall in love. Barf. 

New York is definitely a place I can see reminding Kaitlyn that my mom died so she'll give me more roses falling in love in.

Group Date

Jonathan, Lips, Benzie, Corey, Ryan, Tanner, The Douche & Gosling 2.0: "Let's keep our love fresh"

Doug E. Fresh is in da house. And now we're rapping? If she don't know who Doug E is, she's too young for you, bro.

Florida-Georgia Line had a rappist in one of their songs that one time.

Watching Kaitlyn rap makes me hang my head in shame. She knows she's white, right?

This is also the first time we get a glimpse of the Night Stalker. He's baaaaack...

The idea that you could get engaged and I wouldn't have the opportunity to lock you up in my basement like I wanted to do with Andi really bugged me.

Does this guy have like, a job? You know, one of those things where you get up daily, shower, and like clack on a keyboard or whatever? Former Bitchelorette runner-up does not a career make.

Poor Kaitlyn has so much to think aboat. The Night Stalker vs. Ryan Gosling.  

This is the hardest situation I've ever been in. That's what she said.

Kaitlyn goes and makes out with The Night Stalker, and then gives the rose to Lips. The most hollow profession of "love" ever.

Apparently, CrazyAshleyS is a hairdresser? And is also a therapist: 

"You're in lust."

"Is that bad?"

"You need to be more than just horny."

"Interesting. I've never heard this before."

For the love. Shit or get off the pot!!!!!!!!!!!

One-on-one

V for Vendetta gets the short end of the stick. Girlfriend can only think about her new man. Conversation revolves around The Night Stalker. 

Kaitlyn is looking at Vendetta & thinking of The Night Stalker, but gives him the rose anyway. #sorryiaddedanewguytothemixrose.

I've mostly been a Kaitlyn fan, but this addition makes her look like a straight douche b.

Group Date

Captain Hook, Cupcake, Joe, JoshUA, Ben H. The most humiliating Broadway show of all time.

"I've sang this in the shower, in the car...I can't wait to sing this to Kaitlyn." Methinks Cupcake might be batting for the other team...

The director's name. I can't even.

As my dear friend, Aubrey, put it, "I could have gotten drunk if I took a shot for every time she said boyfriend in the 30 second clip."

Until next week!

Best Damn Bachette Recap | Week 3

Chris Harrison was not shitting us this week. This was the MOST DRAMATIC week in Bachelorette history. The amount of texts, Facebook posts, & private messages attest to how many times we all yelled "WTF?!?!" at the TV last night.

We open on a temper tantrum that would make my 4-year-old blush.

"If I throw a hissy fit, she will want me back."

Rose Ceremony

V for Vendetta, Ben H, Gosling 2.0, Jonathan, Tanner, Cupcake (can we pause for a moment & talk about this nickname? I mean, what man wants that weenie nickname? Let's go with Butch or Muscles or SexGod. WTF!), Ryan, Justin, Ian, Joshua, Joe, Corey, & Buddha.

Group Humiliation Date

"I love Japanese culture - I love sushi."

Instead of frolicking through the San Diego Zoo, the producers decide to put these men in large diapers and let them fight 600-pound men. And Joe, for the love of all that is holy. Stick it back in.

"Kaitlyn, I'm here for you. You have no idea how amazing I am. Why can't we just dance in our underwear and smoke the pipe of our ancestors? Let's just hold hands & sing Kumbaya. I have a lot to offer and you have no idea what you're missing." 

So, the skinny white boys put their diapers on for a crowd & fight. Again. I'm not positive, but I think this might be Clint's favorite group date ever...

Oh, and Buddha leaves because he's tired of fighting & not being appreciated for the amazing specimen he truly believes he is. Don't let the door hit you on the ass.

During cocktail hour, the awkward silence makes all 2 million viewers uncomfortable. Gosling makes the move and scores the rose. "Obviously, you know how I feel about you." And all the girls watching, swoon.

Aaaaand then, we get a glimpse into why Clint has backed off from Kaitlyn. He, apparently, has a crush on The Douche. #breaktheinternet

Your Worst Nightmare

She's afraid of birds?! Birds. Thank you for setting womankind back about 100 years by flapping your arms and having a LEVEL 10 panic attack over pigeons. Mother trucking pigeons.

Benzie gets to act as protector against BIRDS. Birds, people. This has to be one of the stupidest 1-on-1's I have ever had to sit through. They have to get out of this creepy gas chamber or whatever by getting SIX-digit password. Oddly, the password winds up being ROSES. Five letters. Come on, Harrison. Plot holes.

Benzie hasn't cried in 11 years. Robot. 

And by the way, the sympathy rose is overplayed. Enough. Tell her something else about yourself. A dead parent does not a foundation make. Someone should embroider that on a pillow.

Sex Ed

"I kind of learned everything about sex education from our cows." Joshua, you win at life.

"Here's the vagina. Here's the butt. Oh, and here's the vagina."

Ben H. wins sex ed and the rose. I may call him when my kids start asking questions. 

The G Word

In a shocking twist, we find out Brokeback Clint isn't into Kaitlyn, but has taken a liking to The Douche.

In a desperate move to stay with his loverboy, Brokeback makes out with Kaitlyn to secure a rose and another week popping zits in the shower with The Douche?! What?!

Poor Brokeback seems to have read The Douche wrong. It does not appear that feelings are mutual.

To be continued...a-freaking-gain...

What did you think? Who do you hate? Are you shocked by the twist? Leave a comment below with your thoughts & musings!

Thanks to all who entered the Bachelorette tee giveaway! Congratulations to Kacy T. on your new apparel! Email me with your size & address! 

Oh! And if you love hilarious Bach bloggers, check out my girl, Meg, over at All on TV. She's hilarious and awesome!

Until me meet again, kittens.