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Wednesday, July 16, 2014

The BEST Bach Recap You'll Read | Week 9

Let me start by pointing out the best thing about this episode: NO SCARVES!!!

We have arrived at overnights, which I shall affectionately call, "Did they or didn't they?" This is the week where we all dissect the clues to decide whether or not the contestants "got to know each other better or not." In my naivety, I choose to believe that they all wait until marriage, to which my husband laughs maniacally. Apparently, most people don't do this anymore...? I digress. My question to the contestants when we hit overnights is if you're sleeping with multiple dudes, doesn't the winner get a little pissed when you reveal that you made it with 2 other guys? Good luck explaining that one, Andi!

Recap. 
Andi says she feels like there are things she doesn't know about Nick. #einstein

Andi is worried about Josh being a playboy. Wasn't it Andi who complained each week about how she always picks dbags guys like Josh & winds up getting hurt? #definitionofinsanity

Iowa.Iowa.Iowa. Get over IOWA. If I have to hear her say the word IOWA one more time, I'm going to throw my tv in the trash. We get it. Chris isn't the one. Let's not blame it on IOWA. Let's just say that he is too nice, good, kind, amazing for you and not enough of a jerk.


Nick.
Are you only allowed on this show if you have muscles & a tan? I wanna see a guy with chest hair, a farmer's tan & a beer belly. I'd totally watch that show. 
"I wanna tell Andi I love her before the fantasy suite." Gee, I wonder why.
"I had some time this week, so I did what any 33-year-old guy from the Midwest would do..." I wrote a story about how I'm going to lock you in my basement. 10 to 1 odds that someone from the show wrote this "fairy tale" & made him tell her he put it together. By the way, it looks like my 3-year-old drew it.
"Definitely excited about 'talking your ear off all night long.'" Is that code?
The "I love you." O.M.G. Remember the scene in The Office when Michael has to fire someone & just drags it out? "Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot the deer in the leg. Had to kill it with a shovel. Why do you ask?" THIS is how that felt. 


Josh.
"I'm carrying that happiness (from my date with Nick) into today, but they're, like, separate." So, I'm going to be happy with you while I think about another guy.
"There's something hot about a guy who can speak Spanish while we're in the DR:" "Hola, Andi. Como estas?" Slow down, Josh. Let me get out my translator.
"We're in the Dominican. We HAVE to play baseball."  1+1=huh?
"What kind of dad do you think you'll be?" What's he going to say, Andi? "Oh yeah, I'll be a total jerk, deadbeat who ignores his kids." OBVIOUSLY, he's going to say a great one. 
"I mean, yeah, we have more time to like hang out and connect more." Message received, Josh.

I don't know about Chris, but I'm going to make out with him just to be sure.
Chris. 
I was just so waiting for that horse to take off with Andi like in The Wedding Planner. Chris looked like he was getting a kick out of her misfortune.
Iowa.Iowa.Iowa. Yeah, the DR looks JUST like Iowa. Riiiiight.
"Chris is definitely here for a reason." And that reason is that you gave him a rose last week.
"Iowa's great. It really was." Really? Tell that to your face. It looks as if you're talking about how great a pelvic exam is.
Again, it's Iowa. No one is asking you to move to Antartica. 
"I just don't wanna blame it on Iowa. It's, like, a struggle." Is this Old Yeller? Just shoot him & put him out of his misery.
If it were ok or appropriate to give a Bachelorette contestant a standing ovation, this would have been the perfect moment. Chris was the ultimo supremo stand-up guy while Andi told him that she is trying to force herself into feelings for him & that Iowa is the problem. You dodged a bullet, my friend.

Rose Ceremony.
And then, there were 2. 

Next week.
Boys turn into Mean Girls & reveal all the crap that happened behind the scenes, they gang up on one or more of the contestants, then Andi comes out & they ask her why she sent them home when they had such a deep connection.

And again, I have lost more brain cells.

a.

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