The Best Damn Bach Recap | Week 8

Hometown week is my absolute favorite because it is awkward AF. You are basically being rejected because of your weird ass family. Or in this case, your screaming, psychotic toddlers.

Like we didn't see that coming.

Amanda

On tonight's special episode of Teen Mom, Ben learns what it's like to be a parent to someone else's children. One car ride with toddlers and Ben makes an appointment for a vasectomy.

Amanda takes Ben to meet her family & bursts into tears as if she didn't just see them all day to prep them for today's interview. Relaxicab.

Ben looks like he just had a colonoscopy the entire time he is at Amanda's house. He face does not change.

Amanda's Dad: How do you feel about all your money going to diapers and formula?
Ben: I love coloring and running on the beach.

Lauren

Omg. I totally 'ship them.

For the first time ever in Bachelor history, contestants are seen eating food.

Like she didn't run to a port-a-potty to throw up that butter.

Lauren's sister: What makes Lauren stand out to you?
Ben:

And we all went weak in the knees.

We are all waiting for Lauren to drop the L bomb, but instead, we watch as Ben drives away and LoLo is standing in the middle of the street, looking like a girl trying to remember if she unplugged her curling iron.

Caila

Caila: My dad owns a toy factory and we need laborers.

Things get awkward immediately when Caila's mom throws down the race card.

Caila's Mom: HAVE YOU EVER MET FILIPINOS BEFORE? 

Ben: Umm...

Caila's Dad: I love Filipinos and you will too.

Ben: ...

Caila has a heart to heart with Daddy and says,  I love him. Daddy is not impressed. That's nice. You're about to get crushed.

JoJo

This episode was boring AF, but JoJo's Godfather family redeemed it.

In a last ditch effort by Bach to think of something new, JoJo's "ex" writes her a letter professing his love. Looks like Chris Harrison's handiwork. 

Guido is having none of Ben's bullshit.

Guido: You brainwashed my sister. She belongs to us, not you. You are being coached.

Ben: I really do care about your sister. I promise! I'm pretty sure he just shit his pants.

Capone: We love her indefinitely. We will kill you indefinitely.

Ben: I swear I'm not lying.

JoJo's mom is my spirit animal.

Rose Ceremony

Amanda: You like made me drive like all the way from the OC to LA to like dump me. That was like 30 minutes. I can't like believe you would like do that to me.

Watch for Amanda's new reality show coming soon: The Real Teen Moms of Orange County.

With the exception of watching Olivia's psychotic breakdown, the best part of this season is the previews.

Two women, two I love you's. Who will he choose? Duh. We already know.

The Best Damn Bach Recap | Week 7

Looking at you, Emily.

When your hometown is known as the "Orthopedic Capital of the World," you know you're about to party your ass off.

Warsaw, Indiana // location: fly over state

Lauren's Date

Ben takes Lauren to the youth center who used to work for where they make out in front of the children. 

Then, our collective ovaries exploded when he talked to the kid crying in the corner. 

Ben: Apparently, everyone thinks you're a bitch.

Lauren: Was it that bitch, Leah? I will cut her.

JoJo's Date

Let's find love in the windy city or some shit.

Emily: I mean, it's windy here...

Becca: The Windy City is Chicago, you dipshit.

Watching girls play sports is, literally, the worst thing in the world. 

Blah blah blah I'm falling in love with Ben, but I'm scared... I can't even with this fecking conversation on every fecking date every fecking week.

Although, betch redeemed herself and she's now my new favorite with this classic ass-grab.

Group Date

The most miserable group of bitches you ever did see.

Becca and Amanda have a romantic boat ride. 

Literally, every talking head is just one betch betching about not getting a 1-on-1 date. Ben, pick a ho and end this before we all end up a looney boon.

Caila: I picture myself as mold. I just need someone to attach myself to.

Ben: 

Amanda gets the rose. She gets a hometown. Boyfriend, you better not dump her after she introduces you to her kids. Shoulda sent that one packin'.

Ben: Let me show you where you'll be working after we get married.

Emily's Date

Caila: Emily is like a puppy. Everything is new & exciting.

Classic quotes from Emily:

Talking to people is, like, really hard.

I don't travel a lot, so I love the ducks!

I've grown so much in things that I didn't know I needed growing on.

My biggest dream is to be an NFL cheerleader.

I've always been average at everything, but I know I will be an above average mom and wife. 

Please STFU.

Tigger is blindsided by Ben sending her home after such a great conversation with his mom.

Rose Ceremony

Beccs, your crazy is showing. Tuck that shit back in.

Join us next week for hometowns where everyone cries and all the parents disapprove.

How to Throw the Perfect Galentine's Day Brunch

Galentine's Day Banner

It is no secret that having girlfriends who cry with you, laugh with you, cuss with you, threaten your enemies (in group chat) for you, drink with you, eat with you, and party with you is literally (said in my best Chris Traeger voice) the best thing in life.

I didn't like girls in high school. They were catty, slutty, mean, and everything nasty in between. Most of my closest friends were boys because they were less drama. I didn't realize that kind, caring, FUN, hilarious, amazing women were out there, needing friends just like I was.

So, what do you do when you find your squad? You celebrate the shit out of them with a massive Galentine's Day Celebration, showering them with decadent food, mimosas, flowers, and gifts.

Save this post for next year because I am going to detail where you can get every single item you see in this post and recreate the perfect Galentine's Day Brunch for your gals!

Our beautiful and tasty cookies were all courtesy of DaddyCakes Bakery. I wanted girlie Valentine's cookies, and DaddyCakes delivered!

White linen tablecloth // Pink sequin runner

These little tasties were some of the easiest things I have ever made. The ladies were shocked that I made these from "scratch." Scratch included 2 pie crust rounds, 1 can of strawberry pie filling, egg wash, coarse sugar, and a heart-shaped cookie cutter. Boom. Done. Recipe this week!

Fresh flowers are one of my favorite things in the entire world. They bring a smile to my face when I walk past them. Every table setting should include tons of flowers, especially for da hoes.

Chargers and plates // Target

Waffle Iron

This was the catalyst: my heart-shaped waffle iron. I had really been wanting a waffle iron, I happened to be watching Parks & Rec, and started Googling. Lo and behold, this beautiful iron was bought and paid for in a matter of minutes.

And finally, you need your ladies and laughter. So much that your sides hurt. Celebrate how unique they are, how much fun they are, how much you love and appreciate them, and how precious and irreplaceable in they are in your life.

The Best Damn Bach Recap | Week 6

The drama continues on the Bachelor...

Ben: You're the mean girl.

Olivia: I'm sorry that I don't like painting my nails & curling my hair. I want to talk smart things.

Ben: I'm going to keep you because I'm pretty sure you are going to Texas chainsaw massacre me in my sleep if I don't.

Olivia: OMG.  You love me so much!

Rose Ceremony

All you need to know is that some girl named Jennifer? goes home. #byefelicia

No season of the Bachelor is complete without a trip to some island because it is impossible to fall in love with someone just hanging out in America.

Caila's Date

While Ben and Caila talk about nothing of importance on a boat, Leah has taken center stage as this week's drama queen. You're just NOW realizing he's just not that into you? Duh. 

In one of the most ridiculous conversations ever witnessed on Bachelor history, Caila tells Ben that she's not ready to be open, she's pretty she's in love with him, but she's pretty sure she's going to break his heart. 

Caila: I'm a confusing person. I think my heart is in love, but not my brain.

Ben: Good enough for me. Rose?

Group Date

Becca, Amanda, Jojo, Lauren H., & Leah put on their skimpiest bikinis and head to a boat. The date card said something about the unpredictability of life or some shit, so...

Pigs, obviously.

I know I think of pigs swimming in the ocean when I think of the Bahamas.

What was meant to be a fun date suddenly turned into a horror film where the girls all get eaten by pigs. 

The end.

j/k We can dream.

Ben feels uncomfortable because the bimbos aren't into the pigs and they are ignoring him. The girls, not the pigs.

Then Leah launches into tears and the guilt trip. 

Leah: Why don't you love me?! You should have given me the 1-on-1. 

Ben: Can you just pretend to have fun, please? kthxbye

Leah: He's an idiot. He has no idea how amazing I am. 

Well, that'll win him over. Call him stupid. Guys love that. Oh, and then throw your competition under the bus. Class act. And lie about it. Great.

After one of the most excruciating dates in Bachelor history, Amanda gets the rose. And we all breathe a sigh of relief that this suck fest is over.

In a massive dick move to secure a rose, however, Leah continues her bitch fest and tells Ben what a horrible person Lauren B is.

Ben: You're a bitch. Goodbye.

Olivia vs. Emily

Let's be real: we all know Olivia is going home before the date even starts.

Olivia: I'm so wonderful. I'm so smart. I'm in love with myself you.

Ben: ...thank you.

I have never had more respect for Ben than in watching him pick up the rose, take Olivia aside, and tell her to go the f*ck home. I did the Carlton. I swear.

Rose Ceremony

Ben's had enough of the bullshit, as we all have, and cancels the cocktail party. 

Ben: Lauren H, I can only have one Lauren because I can't tell you two apart, so bye.

Lauren H: I doughn't rally gat whaat hee waants...

Someone with a less annoying accent.