The Best Damn Bach Recap | Week 5

Let's be real - when the nation turns on ABC on Monday night, we are not interested in the political climate of our country. Do you think THIS is the audience that gives a shit about who will be our president? Unless Chris Harrison is in the running, we don't care. Give us our smut television.

This week we are in the opium capital of the world: Mexico. And we're going to need a hit or twelve to continue watching this.

Olivia: There's a bidet. I don't know if everyone has one. Even Mexico knows you're full of shit.

Amanda's Date
(I typed that in my nasal voice)

Ben decides that 4:20am is an appropriate time to wake everyone up in search of Amanda. My guess is he wanted to know who was the ugliest without makeup or their effing weave so that she could be eliminated at this week's rose ceremony. Smart play.

Miraculously, Amanda looks like Sleeping Effing Beauty with her hair and makeup set perfectly. 

Another hot air balloon ride. BFD. Been there, done that. And, literally, I don't even know what they talked about because her voice can only be heard by dogs.

Ben to Amanda: Hi, I'm Ben. Nice to meet you.
Amanda: You like always make me feel like so comfortable. 
Ben: Which one are you again?


I'm so happy for Lauren H.

Group Date

The group date this week is in the kitchen. #sexist 

Before Ben takes the hoes to the kitchen, they are forced to put their Spanish 102 skills to the test. It's as bad as you think it would be. 

And in typical Olivia fashion, she takes it all literally and believes Ben was actually proposing. I propose some antipsychotics.

The entire segment is to be done in Spanish: cooking, reading, speaking. 

EmilyHow do you say "holy shit" in Spanish? 

Olivia is apparently known for having dragon breath. Suddenly, Ben is on a mission to find mint.

Ben: Cooking's my thing. I love to cook. I'm no longer the Bachelor - I'm the Spatulor. We'll work on the jokes, Benji.

Mustachioed chefThere's a saying in Mexico: "If you know how to cook, you are ready to get married." Oh yeah, that classic saying.

JoJo: I can't wait for the chefs to taste my taco. Ben already tasted my taco and he loved it. 

Olivia: We made duck sandwich and I threw some crickets on it because these Mexicans love crickets on their shit.

Meanwhile, Ben takes Lauren in some back alley to make out while Jubs loses her shit because she is a toddler.

Jubs: Thanks for the 1-on-1 time, but I'm just going to whine & complain about how I am overshadowed by all these Barbies.

Ben: I don't know how to fix this.

Jubs: I am going to make you feel like shit for 20 minutes, and then beg you not to give up on me.

KICK HER OUT, BEN!! For the love of all that is holy, kick her ass out!

Oh, thank God.

Ben: #byefelicia

Just as we start to think that we are all tracking with Ben, he hands the date rose to EFFING OLIVIA!?!?!??!?!

Lauren H.'s Date

The most awkward chick is forced to walk the catwalk.

Also, she has the Making a Murderer town voice. 


Lauren makes her final effort to snag the rose with the classic: I was cheated on. I am funny, silly, and serious. Rose, please.

It works. She gets the rose.

Rose Ceremony

Olivia: I feel like I'm watching an episode of Teen Mom.

Amanda: I will cut you.

Olivia: I'm going to cry now to make myself look better. Wait! Are the cameras catching these tears?

It's time for the yearly tattle. Emily throws Olivia under the bus, questioning "if she's really right for Ben based on his decisions", and then calls her twin, crying about it. 

Emily: He gave her a rooooooosssseeee!!
Haley: IDGAF

Olivia, then, turns on damage control by giving Ben a promise ring. Gag.

After learning what a douche canoe Olivia is, Ben asks to speak to Olivia as the credits roll...

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