The Best Damn Bachelorette Recap | Week 1

Let me start this by saying, HE'S FINE, but my plans to start this post were thwarted by a fall/concussion/seizure/ER stint with Jett yesterday. Yes, he's fine. No, we will never go to the park again. And yes, we are co-sleeping until he's 18.

And with that, on to the lighter side of life.

Cocktails and Has-beens

Kaitlyn, Ali, and Des meet up with Boobs Fletcher to discuss their mistakes, make-outs, and regrets.

They offer nothing of value, so I will forge ahead.

Boobs Meets Her Boy Toys

He's trying so hard not to look at her boobs.

Robby: I'm here to find a wife to pay my bills because my current occupation is former swimmer. Here's some wine to get you drunk, so you'll propose to me and pay my bills.

Alex is too short and not cute, but he's from my hometown of #oside, so props brotha. And thanks for your service.

Chad. Wow. 

Daniel, Canadian is not an occupation. Get.a.job.

James Taylor. He looks good for his age.

Santa. No. I've never had a lady boner for Santa. Just, no.

Wells, you win at life. Bring All-4-One to sing for a girl and you are looking at HEA. However, all I can see is this: 

Damn Daniel.

Free booze is not always a good thing when you are searching for your future wife.

Have you been following the internet for the last few years?

The Rose Ceremony

In walks Jake Pavelka. He clearly needs money. They have a history? Does Boobs know about this history? Get out. I'm tired of watching this damn show.

I can't tell the difference between any of these mofos because they all have the stubble and that nasty hipster, shaved sides, grease ball comb over hair. 

Luke, Wells, James, Grant, Derek, Christian, Chad, Chase, Alex, Brandon, James, Ali, Saint Nick, Will, James S., Danny, Evan, and Damn Daniel (for ratings, obvs).

I'm already over it, guys. Chad is hot, but super douchey. The rest are meh. Where are all the hot people?

Thoughts? Comments? Bitch rants? Comment below!

xoxo.