The Final Awkward Rose

I mean, I still have no words. I am literally stunned into silence. The most you could hear out of me last night was exaggerated gasps. What.the.hell.was.that?????

I keep trying to start this next paragraph & I just don't even know where to begin. I suppose I can start at the beginning and work from there. My phone & Facebook are blowing up with people recapping this nonsense that we were stupidly sucked into. My best description of this season was that it was like watching a train wreck - we couldn't look away, but it was painful to look straight at it.

The first mistake was not heading for the hills when they met his family. He's difficult. He's made me cry too. I think he might be ready for all of this. This, dear women, is what we call a RED FLAG! You should have run so fast your feet caught fire. He's a jerk. His family spelled it out and they just sat there. That would have been my cue to exit stage right. Go enjoy St Lucia by yourself, then head on home to find someone who is nice and doesn't make his mother cry!

Clare, dear Clare. Why didn't you run away when he opened his filthy mouth? I don't really know you & you don't really know me, but I like ________ you. For someone who blames a lot of the confusion on his lack of understanding the English language, he sure knew how to use that word properly.

Well, golly. I wish more men would say something like that to me. ARE YOU INSANE?! RUN! RUN AWAY! I liked what Sean said when he said that you could hear a collective sigh in the audience when she started to change her mind in the living room. You know you were shouting at the TV when you saw her start to move towards him again. UGH! Minus 10 points for womankind.

However, Clare, you redeemed yourself in a big, fat way when you let him have it at the final rose ceremony.

I happened to read Reality Steve's blog, like I do every season, so I knew his choice was Nikki. I wasn't surprised when we first saw Clare step out of the boat. However, I do think that most of us thought they had the best connection, she was the most enamored with this moron (the only fitting words were potty words, so I had to think to a little harder to find a PG word), and they were clearly physically attracted to each other. That he had the cajones to stand in front of her and act like he barely knew her, and that he had no intention of ever picking her was jaw-dropping. And her response was phenomenal!

Clare: This entire time, I've stuck around, because I believed in you. I saved this moment for the man of my dreams and I thought that was you. You had every opportunity to tell me how you felt. 
Pabs: Do you know how I feel? Do you know when I made my decision.
Clare: It doesn't matter to me. I lost respect for you. I thought I knew what kind of man you were. What I just went through? I would never want my children to have a father like you.

Aaaand womankind is redeemed.

Now back to Nikki. Girlfriend wanted him to say that he loved her. Well, we all know that they never say it on camera because they want the final rose to be a surprise. I'm sure that other Bachelors have said it before that time, but come on, Nikki. Pull it together. How can he legitimately say that to you when he was macking on Clare not 24 hours prior? Do you ever feel like other women make us all look bad?

So, he picks Nikki in the most unromantic, formal way. I have a ring in my pocket that I'm going to take back to the motherland and use it on another girl and I'm not going to use it. I really like you a lot. Well, gosh, Pabs. You sure know how to make a woman go weak in the knees. I like chocolate a lot. I like New Girl a lot.

Music fades in as we all sit there in silence watching this awkward train wreck finally come to an end.

I seriously need to dig out a Thesaurus in order to accurately describe how painfully awkward and uncomfortable the After The Rose episode was. I am still unsure of what I witnessed last night. Good for Clare for saying her piece and leaving it there. Although, I am sure we would have all felt better if she had taken that stiletto off and just thrown it at him.

To see Chris Harrison visibly confused, irritated and flummoxed was a first. That man had no idea how to host this train wreck. Pabs & Nikki were painful to watch. I don't even have the words. She was clearly unhappy, and he was clearly running the show. She was suddenly submissive when Pabs sat down with her. Why she didn't rip that mic off of her dress and stomp off that stage is beyond me. I have never seen anyone treat Chris with such disrespect in an interview. And he did it more than once! Good for Chris for not flipping Pabs the bird. Sean & Catherine's stunned responses were great. They got to say everything we were thinking. Although, I think there would have been more swearing coming from some of you that I have already spoken to this morning.

The show is over and my IQ has taken a serious hit. I need to watch some Discovery channel or read a dictionary to make up for all the brain cells lost on this smut. And yet, I looked at my MIL after they announced Andi as the Bachelorette, and said, "Well, I'll be bringing the twins over every Tuesday to watch!"

ABC, you knew what you were doing this season. The romantics out there wanted so badly to believe there would be a true love story, but this was not one of those seasons. However, by picking Pabs, you knew that we wouldn't be able to look away. Well, played, ABC, well played.