The Best Damn Bachelor in Paradise Recap | Week 2, Part 1

We open on Chad's Hulk rage, as he tells Chris Harrison to F off, and says he's going to Tijuana. He also lets slip that he will, now, never be able to be the Bachelor.

Personally, I would watch that show so hard, but whatever, ABC.

Leah is back and acting all peachy. One of the twins predicts a tornado of drama. I, seri, can't wait. She walks in with a date card, looking for the proteinaholic.

Everybody Loves Nick

Possibly my favorite Nick line of all-time: Just in fairness alone, I would like to get to know Leah from a sexual chemistry standpoint.

So, Nick & Leah go on a date and she is practically asking him to rape her in the streets.

Nick: Thanks for asking me on this date.
Leah: Thanks for coming.
I'm burning with passion, guys.

She gets jealy when Amanda when takes him out and makes out with him. Relax. It's just a giant orgy - paradise is not where you find your soulmate.

Carly & Evan

Oh, Evan. Evan, Evan. He has, obviously, roofied Carly's drink because she somehow wants him.

So, they finally kiss because Carly makes the man move.

Evan's monologue screams: Am I convincing you I'm straight yet? 

And Carly: My uncle kisses better than Evan.

Lace & Grant

Just...the moaning. I, legit, got sick.

Last Ditch Efforts

I love the hour leading up to the rose ceremony. Everyone kisses everyone in an effort to secure at least one rose. 

Vinny kisses Sarah and Izzy just in case.
Sarah: Vinny is just such an amazing guy.

Leah: I have a lot of the qualities you are looking for. 
Nick: I appreciate what you're saying, but no.

Rose Ceremony

Grant & Lace
Nick & Amanda
Evan & Carly: Let's see where this goes...maybe a threeway with Chad or whatever...I don't know...
Jared & Emily & Haley - gag
Vinny & Izzy: But obviously because their kiss was the tonguiest.
Daniel & Sarah

And this. This was actually pretty cute, but he's such a douche canoe that I can't.

Enter The Josh

And all the girls drop their roses and swoon.

Perhaps they should pick up a copy of Andi Dorfman's book

What people didn’t know was after two shows, I had become a twenty-seven-year-old woman who walked on eggshells in her own home. What they didn’t know is I was trapped with someone who, in my opinion, often behaved like an emotional abuser. Yes, I said it, and I’m not taking it back. He was good-looking, with an electric smile and the ability to charm anyone, and his affection in public made people believe that he was a loving partner, but by the end of our relationship, it was just a mask covering the control he exerted in private. He had an uncanny way of manipulating situations and conversations to make me feel like the worst person in the world. In his own words, I was not only selfish and unappreciative, but the “most miserable person he’d ever met.” If we didn’t get invited to a red-carpet event, he’d say it was “because of my actions with Number Twenty-Five [Nick Viall].” If I talked to another man, I was a “whore.” If I disagreed, I was “argumentative.” If I defied him, I was a “bitch.”

Amanda: So, you were engaged...
Josh: I was. We just had different values. I wanted to beat her and threaten her, and she didn't like that.
Amanda: You poor thing. That must be so terrible.

Other Inane Bullshit

Emily: Jared and I have so much in common.
Emily: What's your favorite color?
Jared: Blue.
Emily: NO WAY! Me too!
Emily: What are you thinking about?
Jared: ...paradise.

Followed by the mercy kiss.

Nick: I don't know if you know, but I'm into Amanda.
Josh: Yeah, I'm just here to find love. It's all in God's hands.
Nick: I've never see anyone be so unapologetic about being an asshole.
In what alternative universe have we entered? How am I #teamnick?!

To be continued...

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