The Best Damn Bachelor in Paradise Recap | Week 1

My favorite part of this picture is Evan's shirt. Do NOT take your shirt off. We want people to watch this, not commit suicide.

Y'all roped me in. I'm in this for the absolute shit-show that is Hurricane Chad. My inbox is flooded with messages about what a complete and total train wreck he is, so naturally, I was intrigued. 

We are forced to deal with a long string of intros, as if we don't know who these people are. They are has-beens who can't actually meet people in real life and have meaningful relationships. BIP is basically Castaway for the rejects.

Whiny, nasally Amanda is back. Way to show your girls how to be a responsible adult. And can we talk about the Goldie Hawn lips?

Do you know what I hate the most about this season? I am painfully attracted to Nick Vile. I used the correct spelling.

If only he could keep his damn mouth shut. 

CreepO Evan is back. Hope you brought your little blue pills...so that you can use them for your alone time because no one wants to bang you.

Batshit JuJuBee. Ugh.

Carly is ready to find another douche bag.

Daniel's intro is the best. These girls are dogs. I need to drink myself blind to hit any of it. 

Something more succulent and juicy. I threw up in my mouth.

The dumbest twins in the world are back. Daniel Jr. suddenly perked up.

Izzy. Does anyone remember her?

Crazy Lace. I can't believe she's not crying yet.

V for Vendetta is back. 

E.D. really doesn't want to see Chad, but I think what he's actually saying is, I'm super gay for him and I hope I can get some alone time with him.

Enter: The Chad.

Guys, I legit have butterflies. This is going to be such a disaster.

E.D.: Chad makes me really nervous because I just want him in the gay way.

The first romance kicks off nearly immediately. Forget the hot girls up on the beach, let's just dude it up down here.

Chad to Harrison: I'm just really ready to find love.

Chad to Brosef: Let's stack the twins on top of each other and have a foursome.

Chace

Something about being half-naked in Mexico makes you do stupid stuff, like make out with the craziest person on the entire continent.

Cops already need to be called because they are already beating the shit out of each other, but like sex fighting. Like, they're grinding while slapping each other. This has happily ever after written all over it. 

During all of this sexual abuse, Jared and Ju are on a creepy date where a terrifying clown jumps out. OMG, you guys. Jared is so into this. 

Meanwhile...Nick can't even bother to flirt because the greatest show on television has recommenced. 

Chad:  I will tie you under a bus with duct tape and make sure you smell like peppermint.

After being called a bitch 895347957 times, this is the final straw for Lace. She can only dish out the insults and being murdered isn't her thing.

And just like that, their romance is over. Britney Spears would be proud.

The protein has gotten to Hurricane Chad and he's on this creepy murderous rampage:

I'll murder everyone here..I’ll build them into a bottle!

I'll kill your children and eat your families!

Sarah: I didn't come here to be verbally abused by a douche bag. *Lace quickly slips out of Paradise*

Sarah gets pissed and gets completely trashed on national television trying to take The Chad down: F that one-armed bitch.

The Morning After

Was the 2 straight minutes of Chad snoring necessary? Are we really that strapped for material, ABC?

If you are so blasted that you shit yourself, please leave your email in the comments. I need to be friends with you.

Harrison: Why am I here, Chad?
Chad: Because you can't get a real job.

Harrison: You told everyone at this hotel suck a d***.

Since when did they make Harrison the heavy?

Chad goes into a Hulk rage, and everything makes him mad.

Where are there so any crabs everywhere? F*** you, crabs.

I have nothing. F*** you, Chris Harrison. Come at me. 

In a crazy twist, Chad has made both Lace & Nick seem far less crazy.

Have I mentioned that I love this show?