The Best Damn Bachelorette Finale Recap

It's here. We made. I feel such a sense of relief.

We are down to the final two, the Asshole or Eyeballs, in the most romantic place in the world: Phuket. Never a more fitting place for the finale episode.

Jordan Meets the Family

I, seri, got giddy thinking about seeing Mama JoJo (aka my spirit animal) again. Is it too much to hope she drinks straight from a wine bottle again?

She's begging Jordan to insult her. Mama JoJo likes it rough.

Mama JoJo: Please don't cheat on her, mmmkay?
Jordan: Let me let this awkward pause linger so that you aren't sure what I'm going to say.

Mama JoJo: This is going to end in disaster.
JoJo: No, you're wrong.
Mama JoJo: Oh, ok. Never mind.

This may be the worst meet the parents episode ever. Everyone can see the handwriting on the wall, and they were like, kthxbye.

Robby Meets the Parents

I don't know how I missed it, but his eyeballs. They are just very open.

Personalized wine bottle. Mama JoJo picks him.

Family Meeting

Family: He's actually in love with you. Jordan is in love with himself. 

Brother JoJo: You're not picking a NYE date. You're picking a life partner.

JoJo: So, but tell me all the things that are wrong with Robby.

Robby: Dr. JoJo, yada yada yada, will you adopt me? 

Mama JoJo: Jordan didn't even ask if he could marry you.

JoJo: Shut up, Mom. You're stupid.

Date with Robby

Robby: I want to sit on the couch while you burn meatloaf with your little shits running around in the background.

JoJo: Shit. I think he may propose.

He actually loves her, and she likes guys who are assholes who are in love with themselves.

Robby: It's just her and I looking into each other's eyes with an entire film crew, hair & makeup artists, cue card holder, camera men, and Chris Harrison. We are secluded with these 35 other people. It's just so romantic.

Is it me or have these bitches become worse and worse at faking the audience out on who they are going to pick? 

Date with Jordan

JoJo: Did you ask my dad to marry me? 
Jordan: No. I DRGAF. You have to give me something before I bother.
JoJo: OMG. You love me so much.
Jordan: Meh, we'll see what happens. The ball is in your court. 
JoJo: You're the winner, ok? You win. I've been telling you this whole time.

The narcissism in him is amazing. He manipulates her all night, strings her along, and she thanks him when he leaves. 

So, he asks the parents, they say yes because they are just ready for this shit to be over.

He picks the ring with as much emotion as I have when I pick out broccoli. Whereas, Robby can't stop smiling and picks out a ring "that describes my love for JoJo." WTF ever that means. Neil should have been like, dude. Don't bother.

I, literally, threw up on my keyboard as they read Jordan's letter out loud. If you look up the definition of bullshit in the dictionary, there is a picture of this letter.

JoJo: This is what I'm supposed to want to hear, but Robby is just my bff. Omg. I need a paper bag.

The Breakup/Proposal

Wait. Why are the Cowboys' Cheerleaders there? 

Cue: the limo, the loser, and the proposal that turns into a breakup. I've come to realize that the point of this show is national humiliation.


JoJo: My heart is broken. 

...Wait. Now this is the best day of my life!!

I give it 3 months.

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